Sadness....A Huge Step Up from Depression!

This morning I felt a deep pain in my heart.(ouch) My first response was "omg, I've been so happy for over a week, I hope this isn't depression".(fear)  I'm happy to say that it wasn't. I was just feeling some sadness of being in my hometown and not having my mom or little brother alive anymore, combined with being told a few weeks ago by my older sister/surrogate mother, that she would not be talking to me for 5 months.(loss)   She claimed she was doing a silent retreat, but I keep running into people that say she is calling them.(liar) So, the reality is that she is "cutting me off", again, for now.(abandoner)  This is actually a wonderful thing for me on all accounts because truthfully, our relationship is extremely toxic. Still, there is a part of me that wants to believe in "Santa Claus" and had an expectation that she'd somehow be sane, truthful and loving even though she's proven over and over that she is incapable of being that way consistently with me.(fantasy addict)  THAT's where the grief comes in. When I can fully accept her and myself EXACTLY the way we are, with no expectations, I will be free. (don't hold your breath)

One voice that I need to let go of is the voice that says...."You should have already healed this by now!". That is actually my biggest weakness. Telling myself I'm weak. LOL I wonder where I learned that programming? Thanks sis! (passive/aggressive sarcasm)

I did what my programs suggest and called people that could hear my truth, see me and accept me. (real love)  After the 5th call, I finally made contact with my best male friend (John) and not only did I get "loved up", he got "loved up" too. Why does that phone weigh 10,000 pounds when I need to share a weak moment? (exaggerator)  It's so light when I am feeling good or helping others.

Writing this journal has helped me feel better. I hope it in some way helps you.  As always, comments are welcome as we navigate this journey together.

Find Your Soulmate and You'll Find Happiness.......NOT!

I love fairy tales.  There's always a wonderful romance and the couple finds love and happiness in each other.  I always had the fantasy that if I found the ideal girl, I'd be happy.  I also thought if I could find a fulfilling career that paid me well, I'd be happy.  I had both of these things from 1985-1988.  Guess what?   I wasn't happy.  I ended up pushing the girl away through my womanaholia.  OK, maybe I just wasn't ready but truly if I ever got a chance again, I'd do the right thing and be happy.  Right?   Well, I had these things again from 2001-August 2011.  Guess what?  I still wasn't happy.  What is this illusive thing called "Happiness"?


During one of my amazing 12 step groups (this particular one I believe would benefit everyone), I had an awareness. Imagine that we come into this world a bit like an empty glass.  Life, parents, siblings, TV, friends, teachers, our own thinking etc. attempt to fill this glass.  What if the only thing that can truly fill our glass is "enoughness", unconditional love, connection, oneness, peacefulness, compassion etc.?  But what if we didn't get much or any of that stuff?  We may try to fill our glass with pleasure, approval, money, career, attractiveness, relationships, nice things, travel, addictions, praise, power, safety etc.  Ultimately none of these things really fill us up.

Then what good are these "non-glass filling things"?  I had an image of a "koozie".  You know, one of those things that people put on bottles, cans etc to keep their drinks warm or cold and make it more comfortable to hold.   What if relationships, careers, health, material things, money, etc are all just koozies, here to make our lives more comfortable but can't really fill us up?  DUH!

Lately I have been taking many koozies out of my glass.  I want to fill my glass with love and enoughness.  I really didn't have much room for those because my glass was so filled up with the koozies and I didn't even know it.  Unfortunately, having a glass filled with these things felt a lot better than what I've been experiencing lately....an empty glass.  Still, I know it's a necessary step to a much more happy, peaceful, connected, fulfilling life.

I've been taking a really deep look at how my wonderful marriage/partnership with Angelina fills us both  and what parts may be just a koozie.  Obviously, having a wonderful partner that mirrors unconditional love is beneficial for each of us and the world AND really fills our glass.  What I've realized lately is that I have often tried to use our sexual relationship koozie to fill my glass too.  I know that sex is a wonderful part of life AND as I look transparently at all the ways I've used it to fill my glass, it becomes increasingly apparent that I have also done that with Angelina.

As an experiment, I am choosing to become sexually abstinent for an undetermined time.  This did not go over well at all with Angelina.  Her comment was "you're the one that wants to give up all your pleasures but now you're making me give up one of mine!.  I totally see her, accept her and love her for expressing that.  Unfortunately, I feel that this is important for me right now and will make more room for the "glass filling love" that I am so thirsting for.  I was celibate for 10 years once but then I turned 11 and said "enough is enough"! (adapted from Swami Beyondananda)  Still, since then I have never gone more than 8 days purely abstinent so we'll see how this all goes.

Until then, I am looking forward to growing even more deeply in-love with my bride as we connect in many non-sexual ways. I don't know what the future will bring. What I do know, is that I am more in-love with Angelina than I've ever been and she says the same about me.  I can only imagine that as I get more real and more present, more love can and will flow between us.

UPDATE 12/30/2011.....We only made it 2 weeks abstinent. My new experiment is to abstain from orgasm and see how that goes.  This does not apply to Angelina. She can have as many as she wants.

Jesus Christ!..........I Finally Get it!

Lately I've become more and more aware that "unconditional love" is what we all crave and so few of us got very much of it.  I've been attending 12-step meetings and Real Love groups, all designed to give pure love and acceptance regardless of what is going on in our lives.  Judgment seems to be the antithesis of unconditional love and I am looking at ways to see when I and others are using imitation love to protect or get something in return. (see RealLove.Com)

After spending 15 hours surrounded by Christians that believe that Jesus died for their sins, is the Lord, is the only son of God, knows every hair on their head and that anything that is in contradiction to the Bible (word of God) is false, ie, evolution, dinosaurs, age of our planet,  I finally felt on a soul level what in God's name could motivate people to believe this way.  Here's what came to me....

According to Greg Baer/Real Love...."since most of us know very little about Real Love, we spend our lives filling up on imitation love".  We also search fearlessly for any example of Real Love.  We look for anyone that can accept us for who we are without needing anything in return.  Most of us have found at least a few people we can intimately share our truths with and will see us and accept us. Still, since the unconscious mind is directing most of what we think, do and feel, we need lots of this Real Love to feel enough and counteract the old imitation love programming. Sure, dogs give us unconditional love but it doesn't translate to "we are loved" the way it does when it comes from a human. 

Along comes the concept of Jesus.  This man came to earth to save us.  He wanted nothing in return.  He knows everything about us and accepts us unconditionally.  We can nail him to a cross and his love and acceptance doesn't diminish.  No wonder people give into this completely.  Even if they feel it nowhere else, there is Real Love there.  They can actually stop putting so much time into finding Real Love and live a life of service. They can build schools, adopt children, support orphanages, feed the poor, bring water to villages who have none, etc etc.  I've often wondered why the Christians seem to be the ones giving up their time and money to help the needy. They want to give back.  They have this dude that gave his all to them and they want to pay it back. It's not so important that they become fully self-loving and expand our consciousnesses like all of us new age/new thought folks are trying desperately to do.  What's important is how much they can serve the other inhabitants of Mother Earth.  We have "the law of attraction", they have "love thy neighbor".  Whether it comes back to you or not. It doesn't matter, they know they are loved and give for the sake of giving.

I'm still a pragmatic agnostic and will continue to do what I can to fill myself up with Real Love.  In the meantime, I hope to adopt more of the Christian philosophy of giving my time and energy to lift my brother, feed a child, serve a community and nurture humanity.

Saturday I Occupied Sonoyta Mexico

Early Saturday morning we headed to Sonoyta, a border town 3 hours southwest of Phoenix. We went to do mission work for a small orphanage.  I didn't know what I was doing but felt a call to go. The whole day was life-changing and really gave me a new perspective.  When I saw the children, my heart broke and opened all at the same time.  The orphanage was in many ways falling apart.  I've never seen poverty like I did in that town. Still, there was an appreciation in many people's smiles. Not sure what they appreciated. Maybe life. Maybe love. Overall, there seemed to be a sense of simple contentment.  They also seemed to know that they were loved as did many of the folks we met.

It appeared that there was much less association of money with success.  I couldn't help but think of the USA. How so many of us seem less appreciative and have so much more material wealth and financial security.  The children were playing in the dirt and it didn't matter. There had food, clothing and some form of shelter and that was enough.  We brought lots of things to help them have a more abundant Christmas. A simple meal was cooked by volunteers and freely offered to all of us and anyone else on the street that was hungry.  Many orphans are a result of druggie parents etc. Others are there because their parents have immigrated illegally across the border and were unable or unwilling to come back and get them. I couldn't help but see the irony that so many are risking their lives to come to the US and most of us are sick of our country and occupying many cities in revolt.

While we were there, we took part in a celebration that included giving gifts to the children and spreading the message of Jesus Christ to anyone open to becoming "saved".  I couldn't help but laugh at that irony because I'm agnostic and am not even sure if Jesus existed other than in myth.  Still, it didn't matter what it was disguised as, the love and compassion that was given and felt was amazing. I was on the verge of tears the whole day but held it in to be present to the children, make sandwiches for the attendees and serve in whatever way I could.  Most of the day I just played with the kids and made them laugh.

My Spanish is not very good so I did my best to communicate with the children.  Still, the language of love, compassion and care seemed to be what everyone was speaking the most.  I got back to my car in AZ at 11pm.  The minute I said goodnight and left the others, I burst into tears.  I felt so many emotions: sadness, love, compassion, connection, guilt, emptiness, loss, confusion, etc.  The Mexican people reminded me that I somehow lost the simple purity that I once had. Yes I am grateful for all the wealth I have known AND it not only never gave me what I really needed, it also immunized me a bit to what was really important in life.  I know that I went there to share my love, time and service with the children but I really feel like I received more than I gave.

The next time I feel any lack in my life, or the urge to complain, I will remember those simple, smiling, loving faces and remember how blessed I am.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny If.......

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you think you are more spiritual than everyone you know.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "It's all Good" a lot.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never seem to have steady employment.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you liked the "old Armand" better.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; you use words like; vibration, aura, alignment, maya, illusion.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   you give full body hugs to everyone you meet.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   you insist on hugs to the right so you are "heart-to-heart".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "Cancel/Clear" when you hear anything negative.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never show overt anger but use lots of passive/aggressive behaviour, ie. things come out sideways.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you take credit for "attracting" good things into your life but it's "Divine Order" when you don't get the desired result.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are single because other people are too co-dependent.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; you're constantly correcting all masculinity by making it feminine or adding female gender. (ie. Amen becomes Awomen or Aperson. God becomes God/Goddess, etc)

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have changed your name at least once, especially if you changed it to Feather, Bliss, Joyful, Abundance, Peace or an east Indian name like Shakti, Shanti or Krishna or add "ananda" as in Armandananda.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are unable to hear or read anything without translating it into words that are more positive or happy. 

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are a vegetarian and righteous about it.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you rarely ever cry except for "tears of joy and gratitude".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you rarely allow yourself to express uncomfortable emotions.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are constantly taking other people's inventory judging all their actions by your own righteous standards.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you speak in spiritual platitudes when something is bothering you.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; your kids don't feel they can count on you and think you are a "flake".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't buy your clothes anywhere but Pyramid Collection and at New Age shops. (A and A)

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you think you are the happiest person you know.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  people follow you thinking you are a "Master" or are "enlightened"

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you tend to fear intimate connection.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid commitment because you like to stay "in the Now".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you spend much of your time in ashrams and other spiritual centers.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you stare uncomfortably long into others' eyes.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  most people haven't a fucking clue what you are talking about.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you need to find a positive reason for everything that happens.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   any of this bothers you.  This is almost a guarantee.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  your diet changes like the weather and includes lots of restrictions from foods that may be "too grounding".  OK, busted.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you believe that you have transcended your shadow or it doesn't affect you because it's an illusion.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are scared to death of Pain, Sadness, Fear or Illness.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid your biological family because they "bring you down".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  your finances are a mess because you will not buy into the illusion of lack.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have a HUGE "sense of entitlement" because you are GOD.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you feel the need to be sexually free because it's more evolved than monogamy.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you believe in reincarnation and that this will be your last lifetime.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have lots of sacred cows.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  when confronted, you say "that's your projection".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  spiritual laws pertain to others but you have risen above them.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you constantly feel that others are judging you.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  one day everyone will come around to your philosophy just like realizing the earth is round.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you use superlatives a lot. (ie, this is the best day ever; that was the most amazing speaker; this new workshop blows all others away;  this healing modality is the best; you are the worst, best, or least-evolved person I know.)  OK, busted again.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid all media for fear it will take you out of  "la la land".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't think about poverty, rape, murder, etc because "it's not your problem".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never express despair.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you don't seem to have any long-term relationships.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "All is Well" even in the light of human tragedy.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't stand Bliss Bunnies. OK, busted again.

Here are some definitions of  Bliss Bunny:  1. one who avoids uncomfortable emotions at all costs. 2. one who pursues ecstatic states obsessively. 3. one who is addicted to bliss; 4. one who just wants to have a good time.

Is the cup half-empty? Is the cup half-full? YES

The more I awaken, the more paradoxical life appears.  Also, the more I open to the idea that harmony can exist within opposing beliefs.

Let's take the whole omnivore vs. vegetarian conflict:  Can a vegetarian diet be healthy? YES  Can an omnivorous diet be healthy?  YES  Can a vegetarian diet support sustainability? YES  Can an omnivorous diet support sustainability? YES.  Are there hateful vegetarians?  YES  Are there loving, kind omnivores? YES (see my blog; Meat, to Eat or Not to Eat)

What about the two major political parties?  Is there wisdom in the Democratic agenda? YES  Is there wisdom in the Republican agenda? YES  Is there stupidity amongst both parties?  YES  Are there humanitarian, ecologically minded Republicans? YES  Are there racist, sexist, greedy Democrats?  YES (see my blog; Republicrats Unite)

What about God?   Is there evidence to support the existence of God? YES  Is there evidence to support the non-existence of God?  YES  Did Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and Muhammad all share wisdom about how to find peace while on earth?  YES  Is there evidence that they didn't actually exist and are all mythical beings? YES  Do religions serve the people? YES  Do religions create separation? YES.

How about Philosophy?  Is there evidence to support Predestination?  YES  Is there evidence to support Free Will?  YES  Is there evidence to support we create our reality?  YES  Is there evidence to support we don't create our reality?  YES  Can one find peace through solitude?  YES  Can one find peace through partnership?  YES  Can gratitude enhance our lives?  YES  Can gratitude worsen our lives?  YES (see my blog: The Dark Side of Gratitude) Can the death penalty be humane?  YES  Can the death penalty be inhumane?  YES (see my blog on the death penalty)
Is abortion a woman's right? YES  Is abortion killing? YES

What about technology?  Is the Internet good for humanity? YES Is the Internet bad for humanity?  YES  Can TV be a distraction pulling us away from Oneness?  YES  Can TV inspire us to feel more Oneness? YES

How about drugs?  Can psychedelic drugs destroy our brains and make us less functional?  YES Can psychedelic drugs expand our minds, making us more of service to ourselves and society?  YES  Do pharmaceutical drugs give us symptomatic relief, doing nothing to fix the real cause of the problem?  YES  Do pharmaceutical drugs help us to live more balanced, pain-free lives?  YES

What about ETs?  Is there evidence to support the existence of Extra-terrestrials?  YES Is there evidence to support that we are alone?  YES  Is there evidence that ETs are benevolent?  YES  Is there evidence that ETs are sinister with anti-human agendas? YES

John Dimartini says "there is a front and a back to everything.  Like flip sides of a coin.  If we try to separate one from the other, we end up with two worthless pieces of metal."  I believe that one of the new paradigms that is being ushered in with the whole 2012 consciousness shift is the idea that it's perfectly OK to allow contradictory ideas to co-exist in our minds.  Not only is it OK, it may be essential if we are to evolve.  We may need to move from strong fast-held beliefs, to open-minded preferences. 

I look forward to the day when we can all see that the cup is half empty and half full!!  Then again, maybe it isn't. LOL

Father Mother God Broke My Heart Just Like My Other 3 Parents..

I have made God a central part of my life for as long as I can remember. In the beginning it was because I was told that He loved me and created me and the earth and that "the right thing to do" was to believe in Him, praise Him, apologize to Him for my sins, and mostly to be grateful to Him for all that He has given me and the world (you know, taking a week of His precious time to make the universe and everything).  Oh, and especially for allowing His "only" Son to die on the cross for us. Then, He'd reward me maybe in this life, if He wanted to, but for sure in Heaven.  What a set up for a sick, co-dependent, demoralizing relationship. Sounds a like like my surrogate mother.  Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is true for all Christians, only IMHO, most of them.  If this is not true for you, please don't take it personally/poisonally.

OK, I'm done ranting. I have definitely got all the symptoms of a broken heart.  I've been grieving loss for several months now with bouts of depression which now seems to be moving into anger.  Yippeee!!!   Part of me is really sad at the loss of God in my life.  When I look deeper, I see it's my "Faith in a separate God" that I've lost.  It's very similar to other break-ups that I've had in the past.  In the beginning I feel sad that things didn't work out the way I had planned.  Then I feel angry at the person for not living up to my expectations. Eventually I realize that I had faith is something that didn't exist. I forgive the other person, forgive myself for my part in it, especially my self-betrayal and move on. 

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that some of what I have been doing within my spirituality was because of an expectation of external rewards.  For over a decade, I have been tithing as much as 20%, supporting charities and folks in need, turning the other cheek (or cheeks depending upon the situation),  counseling many folks for free, speaking and singing at some churches for well below our financial desires and just being an "all around good guy".  When much of the external support (mostly career and finances) stopped happening,  it triggered a whole array of disappointment. I also know that most of what I was doing was because it felt good in the moment, and was an expression of my gratitude for all of my blessings. I am still grateful for all my blessings AND I don't want to let that gratitude keep me from being fully authentic.

As I go deeper, I see that this new disappointment has enlightened me to a ton of unresolved issues I had in my emotional, mental and physical body that I had cleverly masked through positivity, new relationships, fantasy, faith in God, people pleasing and performing highs.  So as I let go of all of these masks, at least for now, I am flooded with decades of emotions that are "kicking my ass" good.  I am trusting that the only way out of this is to allow myself to go through it.  This has not been fun!

So, I am looking at how I was able to find peace and resolution with my mother, my father and my surrogate mother (who co-raised me during my early years).  It tooks years of learning and acknowledging what the issues were, lots of therapy and workshops, tons of forgiveness, Angelina's healing love and support, years of "yoga of relationship", 8 days at the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and ultimately, weekly mental/emotional release work with my surrogate mother, who is my only parental figure still alive. How can I apply this same healing to my issues with
Father/Mother/God?

My first idea was to completely let go of any belief in a separate Father/Mother/God.  Still, that didn't do much to heal my heart. In some ways, it made it hurt more because I still had the broken heart but had lost all my Faith in a Power to heal it.  As always, it's an inside job.  If I truly acknowledge the issue, it's attachment to a result and a lack of faith in myself.  Like Buddhism says...."belief in the existence of God is not important. What is important is peace, kindness, compassion and freedom." 

I feel peace when I let go of all my faith in an external Creator to do anything for me.  I feel peace when I believe that all is working out the way it's supposed to, in everyone's best interest. (The Script, Divine Order, Karma)  I feel peace when I trust in my own Higher Power to supply me with strength, compassion, answers, hope and passion.  I feel peace when I trust that life is but a dream and need not be taken so seriously.  I feel peace when I stay sober from anything that masks my authentic self.

First A Heart Breaks...by Armand

First a heart breaks, then it breaks open, finding my way, no more hopin',
Welcome now, tears are welcome now.
Feel so lost, picking up pieces, finding my way, pain releases,
Open now, heart is open now.

Mano-pause...why don't I feel "Hotter Than Ever"?

Well, it's time to address a little known condition called "Andropause, sometimes colloquially called "Mano-pause".  It is a name that has been given to a menopause-like condition in aging men. This relates to the slow but steady reduction of the production of the hormones testosterone and dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) in middle-aged men."...wikipedia
When I went in for blood work a few years ago, we were told I had adrenal fatigue and low testosterone. The adrenal fatigue was not surprising given all the balls I've been juggling for the last 30 years, but low testosterone? How could this be?  Angelina fainted.  Proof again that the #1 erogenous zone is the brain.  Still, it was very helpful for me to support my adrenals through supplementation, exercise, and stress reduction, while at the same time taking some testosterone replacement.  I was feeling better within a month and this lasted pretty much 2 years even though I stopped supplementing after a year.

For about 2 months, I've been experiencing the previous symptoms plus a whole array of mental/emotional conditions.  New evidence lists these symptoms for mano-pause too....."loss of libido and potency, nervousness, depression, impaired memory, the inability to concentrate, fatigue, insomnia, hot flushes, and sweating. Heller and Myers found that their subjects had lower than normal levels of testosterone, and that symptoms decreased dramatically when patients were given replacement doses of testosterone." ...wikipedia   Fortunately for Angelina and me, my libido, though a bit diminished, is still in tact.

This is also called ...."The Tunnel".  A time in a man's life when he no longer fully relates to his current life and enters a dark tunnel as he moves towards his new life.  In The Male Road Map by Al Polito, "the tunnel" is described as "the time a man begins to live life for himself in a way that he hasn't done.  If his youth was sheltered, he might have an uncontainable urge to begin experimenting with his fascinations.  Sometimes, the man will find that the kingdom he built was not the kingdom he wanted at all.  In the process, various aspects of a man’s life may be shed: his career, his practical car, his significant other, his pretense, his inhibitions, whatever worked in the past that no longer serves—ultimately his inauthenticity.  It may be a rough time." (boy is that an understatement!) This is one of the roughest times of my life. I can really understand why some folks end it all during this phase.  It can feel overwhelmingly hopeless.

"The magnitude of the changes called for may cause some men to shut down and settle back into their lives without making any changes. Such a man’s mind, heart, soul and body will rebel against him. His kingdom will be poisoned. All archetypes, high and low, have their proper place in every man, but for healthy men, the boyish, self-centered ego (which governs the low archetypes) will, in the end, be set aside (not banished) in order for the man’s sense of purpose and duty to prevail. This is the theme of true adulthood."

"So, standing at the entrance and facing his tunnel, a man has the great opportunity to examine which archetypes have been running the show, and why, even if he doesn't use this Jungian language. Maybe a boy has been running the show, medicating with drugs or alcohol to avoid grief, or running a parade of women through his life in search of power or validation. Or conversely, a man who spent his life being a “caretaker” personality may find that the boy within him never got to play, and demands a good time." This feels so right on to me.  I feel like I'm smack dab in the middle of the tunnel with little light visible on either end.

According to Al, here's the good news...."Whatever the challenge of his tunnel, after he has been through his, a man will have emerged with a stronger sense of self. He will know what interests him and what does not. His tolerance for things he has left behind will evaporate. He has determined who he is and what he serves. He now bears the crown of the king."

Lately, I've lost my faith in an external God. I've lost my faith in major parts of my personality. I've lost my passion for work.  I've lost my faith in positive thinking and the law of attraction.

What I've gained is: a faith in Divine Order/Karma/Predestination. More awareness that there is a unifying power and presence within me and the Universe and that presence is LOVE!. I've learned to love and honor parts of me I had denied. I've recognized a cunning addiction that was running much of my life and committed to a new sobriety from it. I've become more present to myself, Angelina and my world.  Ultimately, I've sacrificed much of what I knew in order to gain more peace and freedom.

It's really hard to explain that I could possibly have gained all these things and still feel so confused, depressed, angry, lost, afraid and even a bit cynical.  Well, it just feels, and I have been told, that it's a natural symptom of my house of cards falling down and "this too shall pass".  After 2 months in "the tunnel", I'm already starting to feel a bit better for days at a time.  Last night and today I've actually (don't tell anyone) felt really happy. Maybe I've just gone insane!Hurry up 2012. I'm ready for A New Earth!

Polyintimacy: The Hunger Beneath All Hungers!

Polyintimacy has a variety of definitions, but my definition is...."any practice in which one person may have relationships with more than one person, which are more emotionally intimate than the type of interaction normally associated with friendships and family, and which may be consistent with some definitions of the term `love.'  Intimate is defined as...1. belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature; 2. marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity and 3. of a very personal or private nature.
Intimacy is defined as....1. emotional warmth and closeness; 2. sexual relations; 3. something that is very personal and private — usually plural. Funny how sex gets brought into the equation even though the word intimacy was derived from the word intimate, which has nothing to do with sex.  I have to laugh when Angelina and I shop at the "intimate apparel" section of a department store.  LOL  Actually, I can say with relative surety that sex that is intimate is the exception to the rule. Most people I know that have sex and/or love addictions (almost everyone), have never been addicted to intimate sex and love. Some may never have even experienced it.  Pornography, Strip Clubs, Prostitution, Swinging, Obsession, Casual Sex, Fantasy Masturbation, Massage Parlors, etc. have nothing to do with intimacy. I don't judge any of it but these are the things people most often get addicted to.  Not quality, intimate, sexual relationships. 

The definition of intimate itself would foster a sense of self worth, connection and safety. These are exactly opposite of what someone that becomes addicted feels.  As I experience deeper and deeper levels of emotional/sexual sobriety, I'm getting more and more in touch with what I've truly been longing for my whole life.  A true sense of connection to myself and the world, self worth and a sense of safety in expressing my thoughts and feelings.  Recently at a mixed 12 step meeting, I realized, as I heard the other men and women sharing their experience, strength and hope, that this deep, open, transparent fellowship had triggered a profound sense of oneness, which is beginning to fill the "love-shaped hole" that I've had as long as I can remember. This is the true polyintimacy I've been longing for. 

Oh My God! I Swear To God, I think I'm Agnostic!! I'm just not sure.

This is crazy. I've been pursuing a belief in God since Catechism as a young boy.  I became a born-again Christian when I was in middle school, spoke in tongues and was fully baptized too.  I have been ministering since I was 11, speaking full time in churches since 1996 and was ordained in 2000. I have considered my deep belief in God to be the cornerstone of my philosophy. 
Lately I've been questioning everything.  I've been resonating more and more with Hinduism and Buddhism and less and less with any form of Christianity.  The beautiful thing about New Thought is that it is such an open philosophy that even my new tangent can still wonderfully fit into the broader New Thought perspective.  Whew, I almost lost my part-time job!!

For some reason, I looked up the word agnostic today and was blown away.  I have thought for some time that the concept of God and the workings of Existence was too vast for our human thoughts and words.  I have lately begun to believe that any book or talk on the subject must be, by its very nature, made up. This lead me to make up my own "spiritual teaching" based upon everything I have ever studied and strongly influenced by Angelina's philosophy that Free Will and Divine Order are mutually exclusive, combined with letting go of anything that did not offer me sustained, non-judgmental Peace.  As many know, I call this new spirituality.....The Script.

Still, I have lots of confusion even within The Script. Did God create Life or was it our Egos like the Course in Miracles concludes?  Do we have free will over our thoughts? How do I pray if I don't believe it has any physical effect? Who do I pray to if I don't believe in a Creator.  OMG, I need not know any of this if I claim my agnosticism.  Deep breath!  Ahhhhhhhhh

Agnosticism is the view that the truth value of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—is unknown or unknowable. Well, that's exactly what I've been feeling for many months now.  I used to think that religion was the problem but now it appears that fervent belief in the truth value of a certain religion is more like the problem.  I even had a pretty heated discussion recently with a dear friend who is a Course in Miracles enthusiast.  I take responsibility for my part AND it appears to me that the underlying challenge is that she believes that the CIM is true. Period!  How many times have I had that same belief about my particular religion or spiritual/philosophical views, which only lead to separation?

The Dalai Lama states clearly..."we need to have many religions in order for every one's spiritual needs to be met".  He didn't say "we need to find the one truth" or "Buddhism is right for everyone". I find Buddhism's lack of focus upon God or Supreme Being very enlightening because it focuses more upon the now and how to be the best we can be. 

Like Atheism, New Thought and Buddhism, Agnosticism is not a religion but more of a spiritual philosophy.  Religion usually has a deity or God/Creator.  Buddhists generally do not believe in a Creator/God, an entity that is separate from, independent of, and superior to humans, but rather "a spiritual nature" as an intricately linked part of all things, and that we all have this nature often referred to a Buddha nature. This is similar to what is called "Christ consciousness" or "The I AM Presence" in new thought/new age philosophies.  In 12-step recovery, this is often referred to as "Higher Power".

Agnostics can be divided into many categories. Here are a few I like:

Agnostic atheism

Agnostic atheists are atheistic because they do not have belief in the existence of any deity, and agnostic because they do not claim to know that a deity does not exist.

Agnostic theism

The view of those who do not claim to know of the existence of any deity, but still believe in such an existence.

Apathetic or pragmatic agnosticism

The view that there is no proof of either the existence or nonexistence of any deity, but since any deity that may exist appears unconcerned for the universe or the welfare of its inhabitants, the question is largely academic.

It appears that my best self description (for today. lol) is...."I'm a Pragmatic Agnostic, Buddhist,  Scriptist.  Funny thing is.....I feel less confused than ever.   Angelina just reminded me that we also believe in the presence of the "angelic realm" which makes us just weird!! 

Regardless of what or who you believe in. We believe in You. We believe in Love and we believe in Armand and Angelina.  As always, I'm open to feedback and more awakening.

A 3D Experience...Desire, Disappointment and Destiny

Wow!  I had no idea how 2 dimensional my world had been until I started experiencing 3D reality. Some of my peeps don't ever go to 3D movies because they find it unnerving and anxiety producing. I can totally relate and I guess that's why I never truly went here to this level.  I do however love 3D on the big screen as long as my emotional/mental duality approves of the content. I'm defining 3D as fully embracing ALL of our emotions, thoughts, and physicality as they come up. I believe healthy children experience life in 3D.  Unfortunately, many of us try to bypass 3D by way of pseudo-spirituality and mental gymnastics and end up having to go back and clean some things up. That's certainly been true and humbling for me.

For the last 2 months I've been really embracing "disappointment".  Like most of us, my life has been "full of it". (pun intended)  Still, I always managed to go back to 2D reality by repressing the accompanying feelings and refocusing upon something more hopeful.  I still believe in refocusing but not until I've gotten the gift from the feelings.

In Buddhism it is said "desire leads to suffering".  I'd like to make a distinction here. Desire without attachment has not necessarily lead to suffering. A symptom of desire with attachment would be "hunger".  Today I desire an email or phone call from someone offering to pay us to perform.  There will be no suffering involved no matter what because I am not hungry for the call or attached to it.  Actually, that's not entirely true. If I get a call for something that excites me, I may get attached to its fruition which could lead to disappointment and suffering. Shit!!

There was so much suffering around our involvement with "Reality TV" (oxymoron) because we now realize that we were extremely attached to a perceived form of career advancement. Our former career was no longer fulfilling us financially or emotionally and all the career advancement that we so longed for did not materialize. Talk about disappointment!  We have been living largely on savings for 2 months and that has been quite a learning expericnce too. This time, we are not running from the fear but making peace with the unknown. That is really new for us since we've been practicing and teaching financial abundance for many years and now don't seem to have as much. 

This has been the most disappointment we have felt since our former musical partner split with us in 2003 and an ugly legal and emotional battle ensued.  Of course I never full dealt with that until recently, either. LOL  He continues to threaten legal action now and then but the emotional sting gets more and more benign as I take it less personally and deal with the anger as it shows up.  Recently, I had a dream where I verbally and physically abused this man for all the pain I have felt.  I don't want to be too graphic but let's just say that after I was done, I didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore and I was orgasmic.  In the past I'd have pushed that away. Instead I allowed those angry parts to fully express in me and even did a physical exercise that made it more real.  After it was over and I stopped screaming, I began to weep and I felt like I had finally validated an unowned part of me. I have felt better about him ever since and have found deeper levels of peace around the whole situation.

For the first time in my life, I'm embracing the 3D experience of life fully and this has brought me into some sort of depression.(I just took a depression test and the results say I scored a 63 out of a possible 100)  I'm seeing this depression as a symptom of my former repression and that by facing everything head on, I can powerfully transform this temporary depression into a fully expressed 3D life experience.

I no longer believe that suffering is avoidable.  That's not the same as saying we can't be free of it.  I also don't believe that suffering is a sign of weakness. These perceptions kept me in a 2D reality. According to Buddhism, suffering can be caused by....desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Wow, that has described so much of my motivations with women and career.  No wonder I've suffered so much.  The good news is, by letting go of these motivations, suffering can be diminished. Maybe not avoided but certainly not invited.

What has been my spiritual foundation (since much of my previously desired life seemed to fall apart in September), has been my belief and commitment to the idea of Destiny.  As long as I fully embrace the notion that everything happens for a divine purpose, I can keep attachment and judgment at bay. As long as I believe that everything is ultimately conspiring on my behalf, I can stay hopeful.  As long as I see this whole experience as a movie with all characters, events and scenes being divinely orchestrated by LOVE, I feel peace and freedom.

I am also very enthusiastic about moving into a 4D experience that I believe is the natural progression on the other side of this 3D experience.  Not where I pretend to be spiritual because I am afraid to be human, but where I allow deeper authentic spirituality to arise as a result of my being so fully human.

Americans Unite!!!

The older I get, the less polar I find myself becoming.  Most of my life, I have resonated more with the Democratic platform and as a result, have found myself often baffled by and judgmental of those who didn't.  Most of the people in our lives are liberals too.   Still, both Angelina's and my biological family are mostly conservative so in order to have an awesome relationship with them, I needed to open up a bit.  A funny note...recently while spending a week with Angelina's parents,  we joked to ourselves when each TV was tuned in to Bill.  Bill O'Reilly downstairs and Bill Maher upstairs.

I have found myself more and more repelled by judgmental Liberals.  Of course I've always been repelled by judgmental Conservatives.   In the last few years, as I hit midlife, I find myself more and more relating to conservativism.  Recently I met a man that I really resonated with and after many hours of talk, he said he was a Republican.  I was like, "really, please tell me your political views".  Well, after a few minutes it became clear that he was open minded and addressed each idea individually.  He sounded more Red, White and Blue to me, which is what I've identified with for the last few years. 

I guess what I'm feeling more and more is that these polar platforms are keeping us separate.  Often, a choice in politics, lifestyle, diet etc is just an opportunity for superiority and judgment.  This shows up in many ways like Vegetarian/Omnivore; Liberal/Conservative; Open relationship/Monogamy; Christian/non-Christian; Theist/Atheist; and the list goes on.  Not to mention all the non-choice identities like Black/White; Gay/Straight; etc.  It appears to me that we can usher in the new consciousness of acceptance and harmony most effectively when we embrace what Buddha calls  "the middle path". This doesn't mean we can't promote what we believe in, but to fight for something that has a winner/loser dynamic seems ultimately ineffective.

I say "Americans Unite", add some conservative spice to your liberal soup.  Loosen up your conservative belts.  Have a meal with no animal products now and then.  Open to the idea that humans may be omnivorous. Talk to someone in an open relationship with curiosity and respect. Think of monogamy as something other than a loss of freedom. Open up to the idea that God isn't religious. Open up to the idea that everything is energy and there may be no "supreme being".

I know this is radical but aren't we ready for some radical reform?  What we've been doing certainly hasn't worked very well!!!  Then again, maybe it's all been perfectly orchestrated to get us to where we are right now.  2012, here we come.!!

Getting Sober from the "Drunkenness of Positivity"

It's been 42 days since I began recovery to abstain from my addiction to "Fantasy".  It appears that sobriety from one behaviour may lead to sobriety from others.  It is becoming increasingly clear that I was also using "Positivity" in a compulsive, addictive way.  Although "Positivity", like all other concepts, is ultimately "neutral".  When used to avoid our feelings, it will most likely lead to repression, addictive behaviour and numbing out.  This has certainly been true for me.

Both my parents were infectiously positive most of the time.  This was counter-balanced with bouts of rage, but overall, they were the "life of the party" and conditioned us to stay positive. They also did everything to discourage expressions of sadness and/or anger.  The message I heard mostly when I expressed sadness was..."I'll give you something to cry about!" or "I don't have time or energy to deal with that".  My surrogate mother (the female who mostly influenced me throughout my life) was also very positive.  She even wrote a few books on the subject.  The message I got from her was... "Be positive you worthless unwanted burden or I'll punish you harshly.  Only an unevolved piece of shit would focus upon anything other than joy and bliss."  Obviously, when choosing between repression and violence, I chose repression. LOL (well maybe not.) Disclaimer: I have made peace with and forgiven both my deceased parents and my living surrogate who is currently an important part of my life.

Last night, before my 12-step meeting, I was expressing to the others in the group that I was feeling some anger because I had worked my regular weekly speaking and singing job today and had only cleared about 50% of our weekly expenses.  Of course I heard..."make a gratitude list" and "I would do a re-frame".  F*#$%&*k that!!!!  When did it become politically incorrect to be authentic?  Sure I recognize the value of gratitude and re-framing.  For God's sake I have been teaching those techniques for 15 years.  Still, I now also see the value of recognizing the feelings of The Now and allowing them to guide us to a hidden issue that needs to be addressed.  Disclaimer:  I know that the income we made this week is equivalent to the average human's yearly income. I get it!

I'm getting more and more that there is a mass consciousness fear and disdain of painful emotions.  I'm wondering how much of the "new age/new thought spiritual movement" was developed to avoid feeling fear, anger and sadness.  A few years ago a friend, who was taking prescription antidepressants, told me that most of the people he knew were on some form of these drugs. OK, it appears that when our current spiritual climate warrants the rampant use of prescription and non-prescription drugs, something is missing.  Obviously, positive thinking is not working!!  As long as I was making good money, receiving adoration from audiences, getting my love and sexual needs met, and having positive fantasies about the future, the facade of happiness prevailed.  However, as soon as the American public rejected us on national T.V., we stopped working, I got sober and the money stopped coming in,  there was a different reality.  I heard that you find out what's in you when you get squeezed.  When I got squeezed, fear, anger and depression came out.  I also know it's just a f.a.d.

I'm reminded of the blockbuster spiritual movie and book The Secret.  This was made up of "commercially successful", "living their dreams", "commercially attractive" "role models" that gave us all hope and inspiration that we too could achieve our dreams and aspirations.  I wonder what would come out if they got squeezed?   Can you say James Ray????   I heard a rumor that he was on prescription drugs too.  Of course it is highly unlikely that any of these leaders will be forced to get that real since they are financially and emotionally supported by so many of us. LOL  It's like they are "positivity addicts" and we are supplying them with the funds to feed their habit. Iyanla Vanzant is another "spiritual leader" whose bubble burst when she got squeezed many years ago.  I wonder how many folks are now in therapy because they put all their faith in us spiritual leaders that were selling them a "temporary fix" and once the drug wore off or didn't work for them, became even more depressed and hopeless.?

I can say with relative sureness that had our experience on America's Got Talent turned out the way we had planned, affirmed, received support for and believed, I'd still be living the illusion that I was a happy, sober man. I also believe that the opportunities for sexual fantasy and reality would have increased hundredfold and I shudder to think of what I would have succumbed to with all of that temptation.  Here's a re-frame....I am so grateful to our painful, humiliating AGT experience for being a catalyst for one of the most powerful realizations of my life. I am also grateful that our dreams of nationwide validation and appreciation were not fulfilled!  I am however very open that some new support and appreciation of our musical gifts, that is more in alignment with our highest destiny, becomes manifest.

I apologize to all of the tens of thousands of audience members, friends etc. that I may have influenced to use the "drug of positivity" in a compulsive, avoidance way.  I can only say that I really believed that what I was saying and doing was healthy and life-enhancing.  In other words, I'm not only the president of "The Positivity Club for Men, Women and Children", I'm also a client.  Actually, used in a non-obsessive way, I still believe in positivity.  We just have to realize that pain, anger and positivity are not mutually exclusive.

The 12 Steps...revised for 2012* by swami armandananda

1. We admitted we were powerless over our compulsions and our lives had become insane.**
2. Came to believe that a higher power could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this higher power as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, our thoughts and our behaviours.
5. Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our insane thoughts and behaviours.
6. Were entirely ready to forgive ourselves fully for these insane thoughts and behaviours.
7. Humbly invited our higher power to replace these thoughts and behaviours with new higher power inspired thoughts and behaviours.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we erred, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through stillness and/or meditation to improve our conscious contact with our higher power, as we understood it, asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the wisdom to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, agreed to carry this message to others desiring freedom from compulsive thought and behaviour and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

* ...these revisions are not in any way endorsed by AA or any other anonymous program.
**insane-lack of soundness of body and mind. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Is Your GOD better than My GOD?

The concept of GOD is becoming more and more difficult for me to grasp these days.  What is this illusive concept?  Is it a being? Is it an energy?  Why does it cause so many problems and wars?  I let go of the idea that GOD was a separate being years ago, yet I still find myself thanking GOD now and then with confusion.  I also know that atheists and other non-GOD-believers don't resonate with this concept. Is there a universal principle that runs through all religions and spiritual beliefs that even atheists can relate to?

In the 12-step programs they refer to GOD as "Higher Power".  This really resonates with me, because even though it is very apparent that much of this earth experience seems devoid of "Higher Power", there is still so much going on that appears to be "Higher Power" influenced.  If GOD is ALL, then GOD must not be here because much of what I see and experience is far from what I would imagine GOD to be.  However, if "Higher Power" is that part of us that knows and experiences Oneness, then this would always be present even when not being experienced. When I see and hear of the tragedies around the world, I don't feel that GOD made it happen or is a part of it. I do however see that "our recognition of our oneness" can heal it all.  In other words, the truth of who we are, one with a "Higher Power" that unites us all, is always present within, even when we don't experience it without.

Still, "Higher Power" seems a bit esoteric for me and I hunger for something more palatable.  What is a synonym for "our recognition of our oneness"?  What about LOVE?  For me the concept of LOVE is more universal and easier to digest.  Thank you LOVE for helping me to see things in a new way.  Thank you LOVE for inspiring forgiveness of myself and everyone.  Thank you LOVE for guiding me towards that which will allow me to be fully self-expressed.  Thank you LOVE for bringing Angelina and me together.  Thank you LOVE for my painful emotions that guide me away from certain individuals and experiences and towards others.  Thank you LOVE for this current "Divine Discontent" that is opening me to new possibilities.  Thank you LOVE for inspiring gratitude for what I have vs. thanking GOD for my blessings.  As long as we give GOD credit for some things, we may subconsciously blame GOD for others.  However, when we thank LOVE for peace, compassion and understanding, we know it's just lack of "feeling" LOVE that prevents us from having them. Hatred and war will then not be seen as the opposite of LOVE, but as symptoms of a disconnection from one's Higher Power/LOVE resulting in a lack of feeling LOVE.  This brings "Higher Power/GOD/Spirit" home and not off is some far-away Heaven.

Fantasy, Pink Clouds, Romance and other Drugs!!

This is a powerful subject for me.  To do this topic justice, I'll need to share a bit of my history in "Dick and Jane" style.  I was born into a wonderful, middle class family in the early 60's.  When I was 3, Mom had an affair with an alcoholic. Dad found out. Dad left mom. Dad took all 4 kids and demonized Mom. Older Sister became surrogate mother to me. Mom married alcoholic.  My Heaven turned to Hell!  Eventually moved back with mom and new husband. New husband was abusive. Mom threw husband out. Husband ate barrel of pistol and blew his head off.  And we all lived happily ever after.....NOT!

I learned early on that life was not warm and stable but through my imagination, anything was possible.  Rather than face a life of disappointment, I imagined I was OK seeing mom only occassionally.  I imagined that my sister's punishments were good for me because she loved me (gotta love that one).  I imagined that it was OK for Dad to not forgive Mom.  I imagined that stepfather's physical abuse of Mom and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time.  I imagined Dad's physical abuse of Sister and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. (Plus she deserved it. LOL) I learned that life was more bearable if I spent much of my time day-dreaming and imagining that I was happy.  That was the start of a condition called "Fantasy Addiction" or in more common terms....."artist".

When I was 10, I met a school girl under a dock and kissed her on the lips for a few seconds.  That was the first time that I had a physical pleasure that matched my imagination.  I wanted to do it all day and she finally pulled away (I am French and Italian you know).  Long story short....I spent the next 40 years chasing that "high".  I heard that crack cocaine and crystal meth have similar effects upon many first time users.  This "high" had a big advantage/disadvantage though.....it was legal, condoned and free (well not really in the big picture).

Since I was not Hugh Hefner and able to be with new women constantly,  I found other ways to get "high".  Somehow Mom's abuse of alcohol, cigarettes and sex caused me to rebel against any type of substance use.  That created a righteousness about substances that helped mask other addictive behaviour that was less obvious.  I developed "process addictions".  Things like addiction to control, spiritual righteousness, work, love, and all sorts of intrigue. (still working on the control thing)

I was always diving into some new romance whether physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual.  It didn't matter the form.  As long as I could escape deeply into the process, I was OK for a while.  Some examples were: performing in rock bands; Spiritual teachings; workshops; self help books (I was once told by a lover in 1991 that I had Wayne Dyerrhea lol); speaking at churches; being a youth leader; and most recently....12 step recovery.

It usually took about 9-18 months before the "buzz" would wear off and then I was in need of a "new drug" (ie. Huey Lewis song).  This is often called "New Relationship Energy" and it's highly addictive. It's been proven scientifically that in early romance, the brain emits endorphens like oxcitosin and other drugs that produce euphoria.  It is said that this is to ensure the propogation of the species and creativity. More often it just propogates addiction, affairs, social diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, everyone has a natural joy when they are into something new and exciting.  Unfortunately for a Fantasy Addict, it feels like a matter of life and death.  The need for the intoxication becomes a driving force vs a pure and natural enjoyment of the "high". 

In romantic relationships (my specialty), this intoxication is especially dangerous and destructive because it inspires people to do things with others that a sober person would never do.  I am always a bit apprehensive when I hear...."I just met the person of my dreams and we are planning to get married soon".  I find it extremely unwise and immature to make big purchases or investments when intoxicated.  It tells me that most likely, there is pain avoidance going on AND when the "buzz" wears off, there will be more pain.  Still, most people are completely unaware of how "drunk out of their minds" they are when they fall in love with someone.  There brain is wired to say..."this is real. I've never felt like this before. he's/she's the one."  (I've only felt that 100 times so it must be true.  Ha.)

I believe that it takes as much as 3 years for sanity and sobriety to return to a couple in love (maybe less if you are over 50) and I would recommend that people allow that much time before making big decisions.  This would have saved me and others much pain and disappointment, including, but not limited to: failed marriages,loss of health, painful divorces, loss of property, emotionally distraught children, etc.   By the way, I did not use this information with Angelina.  After only 9 months, I had moved in and we were building our life together. (well, 13's the charm) I do know that had we waited, we'd still be together.  I never heard of two matched people breaking up because they waited a few years to get married or make big investments. I have however heard hundreds of horror stories by people who wished they had waited. (can you say "most people's first marriages"?)

So here I am, diving deeply into 12 step recovery, having as many as 4 meetings a day,  putting off work to be more available for my recovery and healing, and feeling a certain "high" from it all.  In recovery it's called "the Pink Cloud".  For me it's become a bit of "damage control" or "the lesser of two evils".  Whatever I need to do right now that will support complete sobriety from any form of "love or romance fantasy" is ultimately good for me.  Sure it would be more balanced to work recovery into a healthy life but that's not my addictive style. LOL Today I celebrate 30 days of my new sobriety and I'm excited to see if I can find balance and happiness when the Pink Cloud wears off.  My hope and belief is that by facing the grief and fear that I so often avoided with fantasy, I will heal the lies that created the condition in the first place.  I'll keep you posted.


**unfortunately, many people were harmed in the making of this story. Mostly myself.

Fear-the emotion vs Fear-the thought

Obviously this is up for me these days. LOL  In an earlier post I made peace with the emotion of fear and had many find that impossible to relate to.  In my efforts to learn as much as possible, anything that will make this journey more fun for me and others, I inquired within and without for some answers. 
The ideas of False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything is All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship all seem more valid when talking about "fearful thoughts" or "fears" vs the emotion of fear.  While the emotion is merely our guidance system alerting us, fearful thoughts are mostly lies made up or believed by our egos that inspire us to feel small, weak, insecure and separate.  In many Christian traditions, this would be called "satan" or "the devil".  While I differ on synonyms, I completely agree with the sentiment and feel that these "fearful thoughts" when unsubstantiated, need to be reprogrammed and/or eliminated.

Sometimes it's as simple as replacing them with a truth. Sometimes it takes facing them and proving to ourselves that they are false.  Numbing out with obsessions/compulsions etc. only really keeps us from feeling the "symptoms of fear" and keeps us in the "thought prison" even more.  In my case, I was not able to just replace them or face them fully until I abstained from certain behaviours that I had been using for 47 years, (mainly fantasy), and started dealing with the feelings I was avoiding.  I'm not there yet for sure.  I believe that underneath most, if not all suffering is merely a bunch of lies and I commit my life to exposing these lies in myself and others.

In closing....it appears that the emotion of fear is our friend and "nonfactual fearful thoughts" are our foes.

FEAR.....Friend, Foe or 4-letter Word??

A few days ago, a childhood love of mine opened my mind a bit.  In the world at large, fear is considered the enemy.  Something to vanquish and overcome. We've been told "There's nothing to fear but fear itself". It's said to stand for False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything's All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship.  All of those catchy phrases imply that fear is an illusion or  lie.  A lie is a thought or a collection of words. Fear, on the other hand is an emotion.  I have been so afraid to face that emotion, that I have built facade after facade to avoid it. I believed that feeling fear was a sign of weakness. I now feel that it takes more courage to face it than to hide from it.  I'm starting to believe that like all things, we have not been told the whole truth about fear and may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Here's a few definitions: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat; a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psychophysiological responses to a real external threat or danger, including agitation, alertness, tension, and mobilization of the alarm reaction.

I'm starting to see that fear, like all things, is not positive or negative but may be harmful or useful depending upon the situation and how it's used.  It also seems that much depends upon whether or not the fear is real or imagined.  Abraham, as channeled through Esther Hicks says "your emotions are your guidance system", so how can any part of your guidance system be bad??  So, where fear is concerned, if you feel it, you are either making up something that is not real, in which case, changing your thoughts and beliefs will alleviate the fear.  Or you are recognizing a real threat (something you don't want) and are being guided to take appropriate actions. So, we can be plagued by fear or inspired by it.  Example...if Angelina believes that because of my past, I will eventually leave her for another woman(which she has thought many times in the past), she will feel a distressing emotion, based upon an imagined result, guiding her to trust me more and ask for support.  If I believe that Angelina will leave me if I do not treat her like the goddess she is, while devoting my life and body to her, I will feel a distressing emotion, based upon a fact, guiding me to commit to doing whatever it takes to meet her needs and desires.  Pretty simple huh?

Here's another def; to have a reverential awe.  Wow, reverential.  I have developed that definition for the fear I have for addiction.  I am in sheer awe of it's power over me and what it takes to stay sober.  I guess I could say "I'm in such fear of loss of personal freedom and power, that I abstain from my addiction."  I am grateful to fear for inspiring me to change my beliefs and/or take appropriate, fear alleviating action.

So for anyone that likes simple analogies like I, fear is like an alarm, when it goes off, don't build a sound-proof room around it.  Don't break it. Don't pretend it isn't going off. Don't go get high so you don't hear it. Don't beat yourself up for having it. Instead, feel it, ask for the gift, take appropriate action or change your thoughts and allow it to silence on it's own.  This is my journey right now.  I am tearing down the sound-proof room, making friends with it, staying sober and lovingly accepting that I have it.  It was loud as hell a week ago.  Now it's getting quieter.  I do prefer that my life be guided more by joyous passion than by fear. Still, I'll take all the guidance that divine intelligence has to offer.

BEING AFRAID OF FEAR CAUSES MORE SUFFERING THAN THE FEAR ITSELF....swami armandananda

Do Men Have 2 Brains and Only Enough Blood to Support 1 at a Time?

OK, now that I have your attention, this applies to women and men but in different ways.  For men it often appears that when the 2nd chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well.  For women it often appears that when the 1st  chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well.  Although some of this is basic survival instinct, much of it is due to other circumstances which can be overridden.  Firstly, we rarely are in survival mode like our animal/limbic brain would have us believe, so most of this is old worn-out software that tries to stress us in to believing we are in real danger when we are not.

The less obvious reason for this apparent dis-connect is "addiction".  Almost everyone is addicted to some substance, behaviour, pattern, thought process etc.  Unfortunately,  the addiction's need for satisfaction will override all other thoughts and behaviours until the addiction is recognized, refused it's drug and dis-identified from.  Even then, deeper mental/emotional vacancies will need to be addressed.

In my case, I can look at almost all the pain that was experienced by the people in my life and it is related to romantic/sexual behaviour.  As I have been examining my motives, it had very little to do with my 2nd chakra, "little brain", being Italian, high testosterone, etc.  It had everything to do with a God Shaped Hole that developed in early childhood that seemed to vanish when engaging in romantic/sexual behaviour.  This seeming solution created the "dis-ease" or "unhealthy brain receptors" that craved satisfaction at the sacrifice of everything else.  In some ways it's similar to a diabetic that needs insulin to function, the addiction "dis-ease" needs it's drug to function.  I believe that 90% or more of men and women suffer from some form of love and/or sexual addiction. (unconfirmed except by experience. LOL)

Fortunately, addiction dis-ease can be rendered powerless where other physical dis-eases are often just managed with drugs etc.  Addiction is rarely ever managed effectively.  Until we abstain completely from the thoughts and behaviours that feed it, it will still be in charge. Even then, unless we learn to fill the God Shaped Hole with something that gives us a true sense of well being and enoughness, the "dis-ease" will haunt us to act out again and again.

(the following is approved by Angelina)
Angelina can trace most of her suffering to the belief "I am not strong enough to ask for what I want".  This was certainly true in her first marriage and also true of our first 6 years together.  During that time we had an open-relationship which meant that we were free to engage with others as long as it was honest and fit our personal agreements with each other. Because this was my idea and she only went along with it because she wanted to support me, there was quite a bit of pain associated with this lovestyle.  When we examined her pain, it was rarely about what I was doing and mostly to do with what she made it mean, like "what if he leaves me for another?"; "what if he likes her better?", "why am I'm not enough for him?" "why can't I stand up to him and demand monogamy" etc.  She eventually realized that she did not want that lovestyle, would find a way to be happy without me and gave me a choice between her or the lovestyle. 

At that time, I was so heavily influenced by the dis-ease, that I could not fathom ever being happy or fullfilled without the drug.  Fortunately, I simultaneously realized that I would never find a person that was more perfect for me than Angelina so I chose monogamous misery. After 1 year of abstinence, I found a happiness never before achieved or imagined. Can you see how addiction lies to us?  Unfortunately, I was merely "managing" my addiction so this really didn't fix the problem, it just alleviated the symptoms AND gave Angelina what she wanted. Unfortunately, the "dis-ease" resented the heck out of her for taking away it's drug and the resentment did not go away until I went deeper. (see earlier blog on Romance and Sexual Addiction).

So here I am, going to Sex and Love Addiction meetings, filling the God Shaped Hole with Love, Acceptance and Knowing, abstaining from all thoughts that would feed the addiction, and feeling more free than I ever thought possible. For the first time in my life, I don't even want that high any more, even if Angelina OK'd it because I finally see how much more painful feeding the addiction is than abstinence. 

So, there is plenty of blood to support every healthy, natural part of us.  Unfortunately, addictions are more powerful than our human ability to deal with them and most of us will need a Higher Power to move us from "Slavery to Freedom"

The Dance of F.E.A.R. and F.A.I.T.H.

I've heard that FEAR stands for Forgetting Everything's All Right and that FAITH stands for Feeling Alright In The Heart.  Sure it's just a clever way of looking at it but when I get down to my truth, it feels right on for me. 

For the last 5 months, I've been dancing with these a lot.  I stopped booking churches last April in order to leave the calender open to reach a larger audience, and do something new and more financially lucrative.  Unfortunately, as the old career wound down, our hopes and dreams of replacement bookings did not happen. We spent all of this month "between careers" and that time off gave our minds wonderful opportunities to dig up old fears.  I say dig up because I don't believe that they are new, just dormant for the last 7 years since we always had work, money and a sense of financial security.

Here's what fear brought to the table:

1. What's gonna happen to us financially?
2. Why are no agents getting back to us?
3. Where did I go wrong?
4. What good am I if I can't provide financially for my wife and self?
5. Will I have to go back to full time churches even though my heart's no longer into it?
6. Do we really have something special to share with the world or am I delusional?

I have been dancing with those thoughts more and more lately and truthfully, fear has often taken the lead. Angelina and I even had some rare disconnection because of my lack of enthusiasm to vigorously pursue work and the "almighty dollar" the way I have done my whole life.  Fortunately I was able to not take this too personally as I would have done in the past.  The good news is that each dance with fear is an opportunity for me to observe and heal some old patterns that are coming up to be released.

Here's what FAITH brought to the table:

1. Haven't you always been provided for?
2. There's no such thing as rejection, just life pointing us in another direction.
3. What part of patience do you not understand?
4. Your worth is not valued by what you do. It's automatically valued by who you are!
5. Don't worry about the future, just take it one day at a time.
6. You came together for a special, romantic, musical reason.  Trust and allow that to unfold.
7. Use this time to love yourself more.
8. You deserve this time of rest and relaxation.
9. How would you feel if this were possibly your last year to live?
10. Everything is as it should be.
11. All is Well!!

Well, today I could feel FAITH taking the lead for the first time in several weeks. I realize that by allowing myself to embrace the unknown, I have been able to identify many old beliefs and patterns that were sabatoging my peace and joy.  I have also been able to get in touch with an inner knowing and trust that brings me closer to Spirit.  Yes it's been painful, but on the other end of that, there appears to be a deeper connection with Truth. 

May we all find Peace within the chaos as 2012 appears to bring to the surface much of what we've all avoided, through relationship drama, health issues, climate changes, addiction awareness and economic instability.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!

Love and Romance Addiction.....From Shame to Grace

Funny, for 44 years I have struggled with shame and pain in association with one form or another of  love and romance addiction. I now feel that it may become my most powerful healing and teaching tool.  Until recently, all my work on this subject has been a negotiation. How can I manage this addiction?  I've been concerned with what was appropriate, honest, legal, acceptable by others, acceptable by my partners, etc. Still, because this addiction is so damaging, misunderstood and judged AND triggers others' fears and their own unresolved issues, I've attracted lots of drama for over 30 years.

Most of the drama ceased when I committed to my most dramatic negotiation with Angelina on June 15, 2007. I committed to "physical monogamy".  I only use this distinction because my mind has been anything but monogamous. lol  Before 2007, I was never able to commit to fidelity with anyone.  I justified this by being honest about it and contributing my inability to commit this way to my being polyamorous, a lovestyle/orientation that I believed did not give me the choice to be monogamous.  I know better now.  I have come to believe that polyamory (see definition below) is a choice and is only healthy when all parties involved make a conscious choice to live this lovestyle. In her desire to support me, Angelina agreed to this lovestyle for over 6 years before giving me an ultimatum which started me on the path to recovery. 

This commitment has given us the foundation to feel safe as I continued to navigate these turbulent waters. For over 4 years, we've had little drama between us and for the first time since the age of 3, I feel safe and trusting of a woman.  Still, how can one manage an addiction which is inherently unmanageable and progressive?  My conclusion (for me) is,  I can't. I need help from something bigger than ME. I am grateful that this awareness was not in any way inspired by Angelina.  She was fully content with me already.  Still, I know that she will benefit most (after me), from my new awareness.

It wasn't until last Sunday, 9/11 that it really clicked for me that I was still plagued by compulsive/obsession about love and new romance.  This may surprise many of you since this is not obvious in my adult and youth ministry. I've purposely hidden this aspect of my life from my ministry, partially out of fear and shame, but mostly since it's not what my ministry is about.  This has been a personal struggle. Still, it has caused problems with my career, partially because it's the nature of people with addictions to sabotage what they love and also because certain individuals and "Associations" have made inaccurate assumptions about me, thinking I might be dangerous or inappropriate with congregates and/or youth.  Fortunately, I have been honest enough with myself and others, to refrain from these imagined behaviours. 

My most recent revelation occurred when a dear friend, off the cuff, said....."I've never met anyone that talks about sex more than you".  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!  I realized in that moment that even with all the therapy, workshops, vulnerability, support, negotiations, etc., I still was not free.  The addiction was making choices for me.  As a recovering "control freak",  I was not about to let this continue. lol  It was time to get super real, get more humble and admit "I, on my own, was powerless over this addiction and was not able to manage it."  I can just hear all the "bliss bunnies" and "new age/new thought fundamentalists" freaking out right now. This kind of surrender and humility is rare, especially among men, so I know it's gonna push some buttons.  It's also not fully supported in the new age/new thought community which is mostly about the mental and spiritual aspects of life.  That's not my stuff.  What is my stuff is "my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I know God" and to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself". 

What I realized in this inventory is that I have a "romantic fantasy addiction". Somehow, deep within my psyche is the "fantasy of a utopic world of free love " and this world has the ability to make all my pain go away..  This is the root of all my addictive thoughts and past behaviours.  Like all addictions, the subject itself is not negative. Alcohol, coffee, work, food, gambling, fantasy, sex, love, etc. are all just parts of life. It's only when they become obsessive/compulsive that they are a problem.

In one week, I've found a huge network of support groups that are available every day all over the country to help me and others with this challenge. I've been to 7 meetings in 7 days and am devoting myself to go to meetings as often as possible until I can truthfully say that I am free of  the obsessive drive to mentally fantasize and objectify women that I see.  I've only been "fantasy sober"(see definition below) for 11 days and I already have a new excitement about life and feel more present to every part of this wonderful matrix.  I feel that my physical, mental and emotional health are improving now that I am no longer feeding this "fantasy obsession virus" which took much of my energy and life force.

Like all 12 step programs concur, I don't believe that I will ever be free of this dis-ease.  Yes, I use the word dis-ease because I believe that my brain is altered permanently and I don't have any delusions that I can engage in thoughts and practices that may be healthy for others but feed my "virus". I know that's gonna push some buttons too. LOL  I feel a bit like Forest Gump when he ran so fast that he lost his leg braces and no longer needed them.  I am grateful to my dear friends and beloved bride Angelina for knowing that I "have an addiction", but that I "am not my addiction". For letting me know that I was innocent just the way I was. 

One way I amend the 12 steps is...rather than say "I am an addict", I say "I have an addiction".  I can say for sure that shame feeds addictions, inspires "acting out" and keeps addictions in darkness.  The light of truth, understanding and acceptance is the only way out of this stuff.  If this is what was necessary for me to be the man I was born to be, then I accept it fully and am grateful for it.  It's been the most difficult journey of my life and I can only hope that I will use it to help others recognize hope, innocence and self-love, as a result of my awareness.  For weeks I have wondered why we have no work. Now I realize that it was perfectly orchestrated so I would have the time and freedom to reflect upon myself, gain these insights and have lots of time to dive into recovery.  Again, everything is ultimately conspiring on our behalves.  As I learn more and more, I commit to teaching others to heal this way. 

You may not be able to relate to this directly, but it is my belief that we all have a version of this. Some obsession/compulsion that is keeping us from being truly free.  I encourage you to look within and discover what patterns are driving you. 2012 appears to be about self-love, breaking free from destructive patterns and shining light upon all areas of darkness.  I commit to join you on this journey, without the distraction of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. OK, I admit it, I'm a bit obsessive about my recovery. LOL

In closing, I want to apologize to all the women of the world and ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all men, in and out of recovery, for any behaviours and/or thoughts that hurt, abused, abandoned, obsessed, objectified, demeaned, etc, any woman at any time.  I am meeting with many of these honest, courageous men every day and I can assure you this,  we were led by a drive/addiction that was stronger than we knew.  Had we known what we know now, we'd have been different.  Many of these men have deep difficulty ever forgiving themselves for past transgressions, even though recovery teaches full forgiveness.  For romance and love addiction to heal, it will take effort from society as a whole to love and forgive ourselves and others for all our transgressions.  I am so grateful for this path... "From Shame to Grace"..........Armand
    
*sobriety-abstinence from addictive and/or compulsive behaviour
*polyamory-conscious non-monogamy