Getting Sober from the "Drunkenness of Positivity"

It's been 42 days since I began recovery to abstain from my addiction to "Fantasy".  It appears that sobriety from one behaviour may lead to sobriety from others.  It is becoming increasingly clear that I was also using "Positivity" in a compulsive, addictive way.  Although "Positivity", like all other concepts, is ultimately "neutral".  When used to avoid our feelings, it will most likely lead to repression, addictive behaviour and numbing out.  This has certainly been true for me.

Both my parents were infectiously positive most of the time.  This was counter-balanced with bouts of rage, but overall, they were the "life of the party" and conditioned us to stay positive. They also did everything to discourage expressions of sadness and/or anger.  The message I heard mostly when I expressed sadness was..."I'll give you something to cry about!" or "I don't have time or energy to deal with that".  My surrogate mother (the female who mostly influenced me throughout my life) was also very positive.  She even wrote a few books on the subject.  The message I got from her was... "Be positive you worthless unwanted burden or I'll punish you harshly.  Only an unevolved piece of shit would focus upon anything other than joy and bliss."  Obviously, when choosing between repression and violence, I chose repression. LOL (well maybe not.) Disclaimer: I have made peace with and forgiven both my deceased parents and my living surrogate who is currently an important part of my life.

Last night, before my 12-step meeting, I was expressing to the others in the group that I was feeling some anger because I had worked my regular weekly speaking and singing job today and had only cleared about 50% of our weekly expenses.  Of course I heard..."make a gratitude list" and "I would do a re-frame".  F*#$%&*k that!!!!  When did it become politically incorrect to be authentic?  Sure I recognize the value of gratitude and re-framing.  For God's sake I have been teaching those techniques for 15 years.  Still, I now also see the value of recognizing the feelings of The Now and allowing them to guide us to a hidden issue that needs to be addressed.  Disclaimer:  I know that the income we made this week is equivalent to the average human's yearly income. I get it!

I'm getting more and more that there is a mass consciousness fear and disdain of painful emotions.  I'm wondering how much of the "new age/new thought spiritual movement" was developed to avoid feeling fear, anger and sadness.  A few years ago a friend, who was taking prescription antidepressants, told me that most of the people he knew were on some form of these drugs. OK, it appears that when our current spiritual climate warrants the rampant use of prescription and non-prescription drugs, something is missing.  Obviously, positive thinking is not working!!  As long as I was making good money, receiving adoration from audiences, getting my love and sexual needs met, and having positive fantasies about the future, the facade of happiness prevailed.  However, as soon as the American public rejected us on national T.V., we stopped working, I got sober and the money stopped coming in,  there was a different reality.  I heard that you find out what's in you when you get squeezed.  When I got squeezed, fear, anger and depression came out.  I also know it's just a f.a.d.

I'm reminded of the blockbuster spiritual movie and book The Secret.  This was made up of "commercially successful", "living their dreams", "commercially attractive" "role models" that gave us all hope and inspiration that we too could achieve our dreams and aspirations.  I wonder what would come out if they got squeezed?   Can you say James Ray????   I heard a rumor that he was on prescription drugs too.  Of course it is highly unlikely that any of these leaders will be forced to get that real since they are financially and emotionally supported by so many of us. LOL  It's like they are "positivity addicts" and we are supplying them with the funds to feed their habit. Iyanla Vanzant is another "spiritual leader" whose bubble burst when she got squeezed many years ago.  I wonder how many folks are now in therapy because they put all their faith in us spiritual leaders that were selling them a "temporary fix" and once the drug wore off or didn't work for them, became even more depressed and hopeless.?

I can say with relative sureness that had our experience on America's Got Talent turned out the way we had planned, affirmed, received support for and believed, I'd still be living the illusion that I was a happy, sober man. I also believe that the opportunities for sexual fantasy and reality would have increased hundredfold and I shudder to think of what I would have succumbed to with all of that temptation.  Here's a re-frame....I am so grateful to our painful, humiliating AGT experience for being a catalyst for one of the most powerful realizations of my life. I am also grateful that our dreams of nationwide validation and appreciation were not fulfilled!  I am however very open that some new support and appreciation of our musical gifts, that is more in alignment with our highest destiny, becomes manifest.

I apologize to all of the tens of thousands of audience members, friends etc. that I may have influenced to use the "drug of positivity" in a compulsive, avoidance way.  I can only say that I really believed that what I was saying and doing was healthy and life-enhancing.  In other words, I'm not only the president of "The Positivity Club for Men, Women and Children", I'm also a client.  Actually, used in a non-obsessive way, I still believe in positivity.  We just have to realize that pain, anger and positivity are not mutually exclusive.

The 12 Steps...revised for 2012* by swami armandananda

1. We admitted we were powerless over our compulsions and our lives had become insane.**
2. Came to believe that a higher power could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this higher power as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, our thoughts and our behaviours.
5. Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our insane thoughts and behaviours.
6. Were entirely ready to forgive ourselves fully for these insane thoughts and behaviours.
7. Humbly invited our higher power to replace these thoughts and behaviours with new higher power inspired thoughts and behaviours.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we erred, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through stillness and/or meditation to improve our conscious contact with our higher power, as we understood it, asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the wisdom to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, agreed to carry this message to others desiring freedom from compulsive thought and behaviour and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

* ...these revisions are not in any way endorsed by AA or any other anonymous program.
**insane-lack of soundness of body and mind. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Is Your GOD better than My GOD?

The concept of GOD is becoming more and more difficult for me to grasp these days.  What is this illusive concept?  Is it a being? Is it an energy?  Why does it cause so many problems and wars?  I let go of the idea that GOD was a separate being years ago, yet I still find myself thanking GOD now and then with confusion.  I also know that atheists and other non-GOD-believers don't resonate with this concept. Is there a universal principle that runs through all religions and spiritual beliefs that even atheists can relate to?

In the 12-step programs they refer to GOD as "Higher Power".  This really resonates with me, because even though it is very apparent that much of this earth experience seems devoid of "Higher Power", there is still so much going on that appears to be "Higher Power" influenced.  If GOD is ALL, then GOD must not be here because much of what I see and experience is far from what I would imagine GOD to be.  However, if "Higher Power" is that part of us that knows and experiences Oneness, then this would always be present even when not being experienced. When I see and hear of the tragedies around the world, I don't feel that GOD made it happen or is a part of it. I do however see that "our recognition of our oneness" can heal it all.  In other words, the truth of who we are, one with a "Higher Power" that unites us all, is always present within, even when we don't experience it without.

Still, "Higher Power" seems a bit esoteric for me and I hunger for something more palatable.  What is a synonym for "our recognition of our oneness"?  What about LOVE?  For me the concept of LOVE is more universal and easier to digest.  Thank you LOVE for helping me to see things in a new way.  Thank you LOVE for inspiring forgiveness of myself and everyone.  Thank you LOVE for guiding me towards that which will allow me to be fully self-expressed.  Thank you LOVE for bringing Angelina and me together.  Thank you LOVE for my painful emotions that guide me away from certain individuals and experiences and towards others.  Thank you LOVE for this current "Divine Discontent" that is opening me to new possibilities.  Thank you LOVE for inspiring gratitude for what I have vs. thanking GOD for my blessings.  As long as we give GOD credit for some things, we may subconsciously blame GOD for others.  However, when we thank LOVE for peace, compassion and understanding, we know it's just lack of "feeling" LOVE that prevents us from having them. Hatred and war will then not be seen as the opposite of LOVE, but as symptoms of a disconnection from one's Higher Power/LOVE resulting in a lack of feeling LOVE.  This brings "Higher Power/GOD/Spirit" home and not off is some far-away Heaven.

Fantasy, Pink Clouds, Romance and other Drugs!!

This is a powerful subject for me.  To do this topic justice, I'll need to share a bit of my history in "Dick and Jane" style.  I was born into a wonderful, middle class family in the early 60's.  When I was 3, Mom had an affair with an alcoholic. Dad found out. Dad left mom. Dad took all 4 kids and demonized Mom. Older Sister became surrogate mother to me. Mom married alcoholic.  My Heaven turned to Hell!  Eventually moved back with mom and new husband. New husband was abusive. Mom threw husband out. Husband ate barrel of pistol and blew his head off.  And we all lived happily ever after.....NOT!

I learned early on that life was not warm and stable but through my imagination, anything was possible.  Rather than face a life of disappointment, I imagined I was OK seeing mom only occassionally.  I imagined that my sister's punishments were good for me because she loved me (gotta love that one).  I imagined that it was OK for Dad to not forgive Mom.  I imagined that stepfather's physical abuse of Mom and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time.  I imagined Dad's physical abuse of Sister and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. (Plus she deserved it. LOL) I learned that life was more bearable if I spent much of my time day-dreaming and imagining that I was happy.  That was the start of a condition called "Fantasy Addiction" or in more common terms....."artist".

When I was 10, I met a school girl under a dock and kissed her on the lips for a few seconds.  That was the first time that I had a physical pleasure that matched my imagination.  I wanted to do it all day and she finally pulled away (I am French and Italian you know).  Long story short....I spent the next 40 years chasing that "high".  I heard that crack cocaine and crystal meth have similar effects upon many first time users.  This "high" had a big advantage/disadvantage though.....it was legal, condoned and free (well not really in the big picture).

Since I was not Hugh Hefner and able to be with new women constantly,  I found other ways to get "high".  Somehow Mom's abuse of alcohol, cigarettes and sex caused me to rebel against any type of substance use.  That created a righteousness about substances that helped mask other addictive behaviour that was less obvious.  I developed "process addictions".  Things like addiction to control, spiritual righteousness, work, love, and all sorts of intrigue. (still working on the control thing)

I was always diving into some new romance whether physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual.  It didn't matter the form.  As long as I could escape deeply into the process, I was OK for a while.  Some examples were: performing in rock bands; Spiritual teachings; workshops; self help books (I was once told by a lover in 1991 that I had Wayne Dyerrhea lol); speaking at churches; being a youth leader; and most recently....12 step recovery.

It usually took about 9-18 months before the "buzz" would wear off and then I was in need of a "new drug" (ie. Huey Lewis song).  This is often called "New Relationship Energy" and it's highly addictive. It's been proven scientifically that in early romance, the brain emits endorphens like oxcitosin and other drugs that produce euphoria.  It is said that this is to ensure the propogation of the species and creativity. More often it just propogates addiction, affairs, social diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, everyone has a natural joy when they are into something new and exciting.  Unfortunately for a Fantasy Addict, it feels like a matter of life and death.  The need for the intoxication becomes a driving force vs a pure and natural enjoyment of the "high". 

In romantic relationships (my specialty), this intoxication is especially dangerous and destructive because it inspires people to do things with others that a sober person would never do.  I am always a bit apprehensive when I hear...."I just met the person of my dreams and we are planning to get married soon".  I find it extremely unwise and immature to make big purchases or investments when intoxicated.  It tells me that most likely, there is pain avoidance going on AND when the "buzz" wears off, there will be more pain.  Still, most people are completely unaware of how "drunk out of their minds" they are when they fall in love with someone.  There brain is wired to say..."this is real. I've never felt like this before. he's/she's the one."  (I've only felt that 100 times so it must be true.  Ha.)

I believe that it takes as much as 3 years for sanity and sobriety to return to a couple in love (maybe less if you are over 50) and I would recommend that people allow that much time before making big decisions.  This would have saved me and others much pain and disappointment, including, but not limited to: failed marriages,loss of health, painful divorces, loss of property, emotionally distraught children, etc.   By the way, I did not use this information with Angelina.  After only 9 months, I had moved in and we were building our life together. (well, 13's the charm) I do know that had we waited, we'd still be together.  I never heard of two matched people breaking up because they waited a few years to get married or make big investments. I have however heard hundreds of horror stories by people who wished they had waited. (can you say "most people's first marriages"?)

So here I am, diving deeply into 12 step recovery, having as many as 4 meetings a day,  putting off work to be more available for my recovery and healing, and feeling a certain "high" from it all.  In recovery it's called "the Pink Cloud".  For me it's become a bit of "damage control" or "the lesser of two evils".  Whatever I need to do right now that will support complete sobriety from any form of "love or romance fantasy" is ultimately good for me.  Sure it would be more balanced to work recovery into a healthy life but that's not my addictive style. LOL Today I celebrate 30 days of my new sobriety and I'm excited to see if I can find balance and happiness when the Pink Cloud wears off.  My hope and belief is that by facing the grief and fear that I so often avoided with fantasy, I will heal the lies that created the condition in the first place.  I'll keep you posted.


**unfortunately, many people were harmed in the making of this story. Mostly myself.

Fear-the emotion vs Fear-the thought

Obviously this is up for me these days. LOL  In an earlier post I made peace with the emotion of fear and had many find that impossible to relate to.  In my efforts to learn as much as possible, anything that will make this journey more fun for me and others, I inquired within and without for some answers. 
The ideas of False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything is All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship all seem more valid when talking about "fearful thoughts" or "fears" vs the emotion of fear.  While the emotion is merely our guidance system alerting us, fearful thoughts are mostly lies made up or believed by our egos that inspire us to feel small, weak, insecure and separate.  In many Christian traditions, this would be called "satan" or "the devil".  While I differ on synonyms, I completely agree with the sentiment and feel that these "fearful thoughts" when unsubstantiated, need to be reprogrammed and/or eliminated.

Sometimes it's as simple as replacing them with a truth. Sometimes it takes facing them and proving to ourselves that they are false.  Numbing out with obsessions/compulsions etc. only really keeps us from feeling the "symptoms of fear" and keeps us in the "thought prison" even more.  In my case, I was not able to just replace them or face them fully until I abstained from certain behaviours that I had been using for 47 years, (mainly fantasy), and started dealing with the feelings I was avoiding.  I'm not there yet for sure.  I believe that underneath most, if not all suffering is merely a bunch of lies and I commit my life to exposing these lies in myself and others.

In closing....it appears that the emotion of fear is our friend and "nonfactual fearful thoughts" are our foes.

FEAR.....Friend, Foe or 4-letter Word??

A few days ago, a childhood love of mine opened my mind a bit.  In the world at large, fear is considered the enemy.  Something to vanquish and overcome. We've been told "There's nothing to fear but fear itself". It's said to stand for False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything's All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship.  All of those catchy phrases imply that fear is an illusion or  lie.  A lie is a thought or a collection of words. Fear, on the other hand is an emotion.  I have been so afraid to face that emotion, that I have built facade after facade to avoid it. I believed that feeling fear was a sign of weakness. I now feel that it takes more courage to face it than to hide from it.  I'm starting to believe that like all things, we have not been told the whole truth about fear and may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Here's a few definitions: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat; a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psychophysiological responses to a real external threat or danger, including agitation, alertness, tension, and mobilization of the alarm reaction.

I'm starting to see that fear, like all things, is not positive or negative but may be harmful or useful depending upon the situation and how it's used.  It also seems that much depends upon whether or not the fear is real or imagined.  Abraham, as channeled through Esther Hicks says "your emotions are your guidance system", so how can any part of your guidance system be bad??  So, where fear is concerned, if you feel it, you are either making up something that is not real, in which case, changing your thoughts and beliefs will alleviate the fear.  Or you are recognizing a real threat (something you don't want) and are being guided to take appropriate actions. So, we can be plagued by fear or inspired by it.  Example...if Angelina believes that because of my past, I will eventually leave her for another woman(which she has thought many times in the past), she will feel a distressing emotion, based upon an imagined result, guiding her to trust me more and ask for support.  If I believe that Angelina will leave me if I do not treat her like the goddess she is, while devoting my life and body to her, I will feel a distressing emotion, based upon a fact, guiding me to commit to doing whatever it takes to meet her needs and desires.  Pretty simple huh?

Here's another def; to have a reverential awe.  Wow, reverential.  I have developed that definition for the fear I have for addiction.  I am in sheer awe of it's power over me and what it takes to stay sober.  I guess I could say "I'm in such fear of loss of personal freedom and power, that I abstain from my addiction."  I am grateful to fear for inspiring me to change my beliefs and/or take appropriate, fear alleviating action.

So for anyone that likes simple analogies like I, fear is like an alarm, when it goes off, don't build a sound-proof room around it.  Don't break it. Don't pretend it isn't going off. Don't go get high so you don't hear it. Don't beat yourself up for having it. Instead, feel it, ask for the gift, take appropriate action or change your thoughts and allow it to silence on it's own.  This is my journey right now.  I am tearing down the sound-proof room, making friends with it, staying sober and lovingly accepting that I have it.  It was loud as hell a week ago.  Now it's getting quieter.  I do prefer that my life be guided more by joyous passion than by fear. Still, I'll take all the guidance that divine intelligence has to offer.

BEING AFRAID OF FEAR CAUSES MORE SUFFERING THAN THE FEAR ITSELF....swami armandananda