Do Men Have 2 Brains and Only Enough Blood to Support 1 at a Time?

OK, now that I have your attention, this applies to women and men but in different ways.  For men it often appears that when the 2nd chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well.  For women it often appears that when the 1st  chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well.  Although some of this is basic survival instinct, much of it is due to other circumstances which can be overridden.  Firstly, we rarely are in survival mode like our animal/limbic brain would have us believe, so most of this is old worn-out software that tries to stress us in to believing we are in real danger when we are not.

The less obvious reason for this apparent dis-connect is "addiction".  Almost everyone is addicted to some substance, behaviour, pattern, thought process etc.  Unfortunately,  the addiction's need for satisfaction will override all other thoughts and behaviours until the addiction is recognized, refused it's drug and dis-identified from.  Even then, deeper mental/emotional vacancies will need to be addressed.

In my case, I can look at almost all the pain that was experienced by the people in my life and it is related to romantic/sexual behaviour.  As I have been examining my motives, it had very little to do with my 2nd chakra, "little brain", being Italian, high testosterone, etc.  It had everything to do with a God Shaped Hole that developed in early childhood that seemed to vanish when engaging in romantic/sexual behaviour.  This seeming solution created the "dis-ease" or "unhealthy brain receptors" that craved satisfaction at the sacrifice of everything else.  In some ways it's similar to a diabetic that needs insulin to function, the addiction "dis-ease" needs it's drug to function.  I believe that 90% or more of men and women suffer from some form of love and/or sexual addiction. (unconfirmed except by experience. LOL)

Fortunately, addiction dis-ease can be rendered powerless where other physical dis-eases are often just managed with drugs etc.  Addiction is rarely ever managed effectively.  Until we abstain completely from the thoughts and behaviours that feed it, it will still be in charge. Even then, unless we learn to fill the God Shaped Hole with something that gives us a true sense of well being and enoughness, the "dis-ease" will haunt us to act out again and again.

(the following is approved by Angelina)
Angelina can trace most of her suffering to the belief "I am not strong enough to ask for what I want".  This was certainly true in her first marriage and also true of our first 6 years together.  During that time we had an open-relationship which meant that we were free to engage with others as long as it was honest and fit our personal agreements with each other. Because this was my idea and she only went along with it because she wanted to support me, there was quite a bit of pain associated with this lovestyle.  When we examined her pain, it was rarely about what I was doing and mostly to do with what she made it mean, like "what if he leaves me for another?"; "what if he likes her better?", "why am I'm not enough for him?" "why can't I stand up to him and demand monogamy" etc.  She eventually realized that she did not want that lovestyle, would find a way to be happy without me and gave me a choice between her or the lovestyle. 

At that time, I was so heavily influenced by the dis-ease, that I could not fathom ever being happy or fullfilled without the drug.  Fortunately, I simultaneously realized that I would never find a person that was more perfect for me than Angelina so I chose monogamous misery. After 1 year of abstinence, I found a happiness never before achieved or imagined. Can you see how addiction lies to us?  Unfortunately, I was merely "managing" my addiction so this really didn't fix the problem, it just alleviated the symptoms AND gave Angelina what she wanted. Unfortunately, the "dis-ease" resented the heck out of her for taking away it's drug and the resentment did not go away until I went deeper. (see earlier blog on Romance and Sexual Addiction).

So here I am, going to Sex and Love Addiction meetings, filling the God Shaped Hole with Love, Acceptance and Knowing, abstaining from all thoughts that would feed the addiction, and feeling more free than I ever thought possible. For the first time in my life, I don't even want that high any more, even if Angelina OK'd it because I finally see how much more painful feeding the addiction is than abstinence. 

So, there is plenty of blood to support every healthy, natural part of us.  Unfortunately, addictions are more powerful than our human ability to deal with them and most of us will need a Higher Power to move us from "Slavery to Freedom"

The Dance of F.E.A.R. and F.A.I.T.H.

I've heard that FEAR stands for Forgetting Everything's All Right and that FAITH stands for Feeling Alright In The Heart.  Sure it's just a clever way of looking at it but when I get down to my truth, it feels right on for me. 

For the last 5 months, I've been dancing with these a lot.  I stopped booking churches last April in order to leave the calender open to reach a larger audience, and do something new and more financially lucrative.  Unfortunately, as the old career wound down, our hopes and dreams of replacement bookings did not happen. We spent all of this month "between careers" and that time off gave our minds wonderful opportunities to dig up old fears.  I say dig up because I don't believe that they are new, just dormant for the last 7 years since we always had work, money and a sense of financial security.

Here's what fear brought to the table:

1. What's gonna happen to us financially?
2. Why are no agents getting back to us?
3. Where did I go wrong?
4. What good am I if I can't provide financially for my wife and self?
5. Will I have to go back to full time churches even though my heart's no longer into it?
6. Do we really have something special to share with the world or am I delusional?

I have been dancing with those thoughts more and more lately and truthfully, fear has often taken the lead. Angelina and I even had some rare disconnection because of my lack of enthusiasm to vigorously pursue work and the "almighty dollar" the way I have done my whole life.  Fortunately I was able to not take this too personally as I would have done in the past.  The good news is that each dance with fear is an opportunity for me to observe and heal some old patterns that are coming up to be released.

Here's what FAITH brought to the table:

1. Haven't you always been provided for?
2. There's no such thing as rejection, just life pointing us in another direction.
3. What part of patience do you not understand?
4. Your worth is not valued by what you do. It's automatically valued by who you are!
5. Don't worry about the future, just take it one day at a time.
6. You came together for a special, romantic, musical reason.  Trust and allow that to unfold.
7. Use this time to love yourself more.
8. You deserve this time of rest and relaxation.
9. How would you feel if this were possibly your last year to live?
10. Everything is as it should be.
11. All is Well!!

Well, today I could feel FAITH taking the lead for the first time in several weeks. I realize that by allowing myself to embrace the unknown, I have been able to identify many old beliefs and patterns that were sabatoging my peace and joy.  I have also been able to get in touch with an inner knowing and trust that brings me closer to Spirit.  Yes it's been painful, but on the other end of that, there appears to be a deeper connection with Truth. 

May we all find Peace within the chaos as 2012 appears to bring to the surface much of what we've all avoided, through relationship drama, health issues, climate changes, addiction awareness and economic instability.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!

Love and Romance Addiction.....From Shame to Grace

Funny, for 44 years I have struggled with shame and pain in association with one form or another of  love and romance addiction. I now feel that it may become my most powerful healing and teaching tool.  Until recently, all my work on this subject has been a negotiation. How can I manage this addiction?  I've been concerned with what was appropriate, honest, legal, acceptable by others, acceptable by my partners, etc. Still, because this addiction is so damaging, misunderstood and judged AND triggers others' fears and their own unresolved issues, I've attracted lots of drama for over 30 years.

Most of the drama ceased when I committed to my most dramatic negotiation with Angelina on June 15, 2007. I committed to "physical monogamy".  I only use this distinction because my mind has been anything but monogamous. lol  Before 2007, I was never able to commit to fidelity with anyone.  I justified this by being honest about it and contributing my inability to commit this way to my being polyamorous, a lovestyle/orientation that I believed did not give me the choice to be monogamous.  I know better now.  I have come to believe that polyamory (see definition below) is a choice and is only healthy when all parties involved make a conscious choice to live this lovestyle. In her desire to support me, Angelina agreed to this lovestyle for over 6 years before giving me an ultimatum which started me on the path to recovery. 

This commitment has given us the foundation to feel safe as I continued to navigate these turbulent waters. For over 4 years, we've had little drama between us and for the first time since the age of 3, I feel safe and trusting of a woman.  Still, how can one manage an addiction which is inherently unmanageable and progressive?  My conclusion (for me) is,  I can't. I need help from something bigger than ME. I am grateful that this awareness was not in any way inspired by Angelina.  She was fully content with me already.  Still, I know that she will benefit most (after me), from my new awareness.

It wasn't until last Sunday, 9/11 that it really clicked for me that I was still plagued by compulsive/obsession about love and new romance.  This may surprise many of you since this is not obvious in my adult and youth ministry. I've purposely hidden this aspect of my life from my ministry, partially out of fear and shame, but mostly since it's not what my ministry is about.  This has been a personal struggle. Still, it has caused problems with my career, partially because it's the nature of people with addictions to sabotage what they love and also because certain individuals and "Associations" have made inaccurate assumptions about me, thinking I might be dangerous or inappropriate with congregates and/or youth.  Fortunately, I have been honest enough with myself and others, to refrain from these imagined behaviours. 

My most recent revelation occurred when a dear friend, off the cuff, said....."I've never met anyone that talks about sex more than you".  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!  I realized in that moment that even with all the therapy, workshops, vulnerability, support, negotiations, etc., I still was not free.  The addiction was making choices for me.  As a recovering "control freak",  I was not about to let this continue. lol  It was time to get super real, get more humble and admit "I, on my own, was powerless over this addiction and was not able to manage it."  I can just hear all the "bliss bunnies" and "new age/new thought fundamentalists" freaking out right now. This kind of surrender and humility is rare, especially among men, so I know it's gonna push some buttons.  It's also not fully supported in the new age/new thought community which is mostly about the mental and spiritual aspects of life.  That's not my stuff.  What is my stuff is "my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I know God" and to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself". 

What I realized in this inventory is that I have a "romantic fantasy addiction". Somehow, deep within my psyche is the "fantasy of a utopic world of free love " and this world has the ability to make all my pain go away..  This is the root of all my addictive thoughts and past behaviours.  Like all addictions, the subject itself is not negative. Alcohol, coffee, work, food, gambling, fantasy, sex, love, etc. are all just parts of life. It's only when they become obsessive/compulsive that they are a problem.

In one week, I've found a huge network of support groups that are available every day all over the country to help me and others with this challenge. I've been to 7 meetings in 7 days and am devoting myself to go to meetings as often as possible until I can truthfully say that I am free of  the obsessive drive to mentally fantasize and objectify women that I see.  I've only been "fantasy sober"(see definition below) for 11 days and I already have a new excitement about life and feel more present to every part of this wonderful matrix.  I feel that my physical, mental and emotional health are improving now that I am no longer feeding this "fantasy obsession virus" which took much of my energy and life force.

Like all 12 step programs concur, I don't believe that I will ever be free of this dis-ease.  Yes, I use the word dis-ease because I believe that my brain is altered permanently and I don't have any delusions that I can engage in thoughts and practices that may be healthy for others but feed my "virus". I know that's gonna push some buttons too. LOL  I feel a bit like Forest Gump when he ran so fast that he lost his leg braces and no longer needed them.  I am grateful to my dear friends and beloved bride Angelina for knowing that I "have an addiction", but that I "am not my addiction". For letting me know that I was innocent just the way I was. 

One way I amend the 12 steps is...rather than say "I am an addict", I say "I have an addiction".  I can say for sure that shame feeds addictions, inspires "acting out" and keeps addictions in darkness.  The light of truth, understanding and acceptance is the only way out of this stuff.  If this is what was necessary for me to be the man I was born to be, then I accept it fully and am grateful for it.  It's been the most difficult journey of my life and I can only hope that I will use it to help others recognize hope, innocence and self-love, as a result of my awareness.  For weeks I have wondered why we have no work. Now I realize that it was perfectly orchestrated so I would have the time and freedom to reflect upon myself, gain these insights and have lots of time to dive into recovery.  Again, everything is ultimately conspiring on our behalves.  As I learn more and more, I commit to teaching others to heal this way. 

You may not be able to relate to this directly, but it is my belief that we all have a version of this. Some obsession/compulsion that is keeping us from being truly free.  I encourage you to look within and discover what patterns are driving you. 2012 appears to be about self-love, breaking free from destructive patterns and shining light upon all areas of darkness.  I commit to join you on this journey, without the distraction of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. OK, I admit it, I'm a bit obsessive about my recovery. LOL

In closing, I want to apologize to all the women of the world and ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all men, in and out of recovery, for any behaviours and/or thoughts that hurt, abused, abandoned, obsessed, objectified, demeaned, etc, any woman at any time.  I am meeting with many of these honest, courageous men every day and I can assure you this,  we were led by a drive/addiction that was stronger than we knew.  Had we known what we know now, we'd have been different.  Many of these men have deep difficulty ever forgiving themselves for past transgressions, even though recovery teaches full forgiveness.  For romance and love addiction to heal, it will take effort from society as a whole to love and forgive ourselves and others for all our transgressions.  I am so grateful for this path... "From Shame to Grace"..........Armand
    
*sobriety-abstinence from addictive and/or compulsive behaviour
*polyamory-conscious non-monogamy

11 Keys to a Happy, Peaceful, Contented Life!

It is said, "we always teach what we need to learn".  Well, as I am moving past what feels like a mini bout with depression, I'm again reunited with the core beliefs that have sustained me through the years, kept me positive and trumped all sadness and anxiety whenever I held onto them firmly.  As I pondered these ideas, I felt the warmth of happiness wash through me again. I know some of these are radical, especially when they are applied to criminals and the likes. Still, I stand by them at this time because I believe adopting these principles will lead to a more harmonious world. I also believe that much of our need for recovery work, painful consequences and emotional and mental imbalances would be greatly reduced if we really embraced these ideas. Of course, crime rate etc. would also go down.  As always, I'm open and welcoming to any differing points so I may continue to grow and evolve.  I also know that I'm making this all up.

1. We were born as an original blessing.
2. We are always Enough......Period!
3. There is no good/bad/right/wrong, only consequences.
4. We always do the best we can at any given moment.
5. There is no way to make the wrong decision.
6. Noone is better or more worthy of love than anyone else.
7. The more you appreciate and/or accept all of life, the better you feel.
8. We are at the only place we can be right now.
9. Be attached to nothing. This too shall pass. All is impermanent.
10. Serving/helping others is good for the soul (as long as you take care of yourself at the same time)
11. Enerything is perfectly imperfect.

My hope is that something here will trump any sadness or anxiety you may be feeling and we can all get on to the business of Peace......swami armandananda