I love fairy tales. There's always a wonderful romance and the couple finds love and happiness in each other. I always had the fantasy that if I found the ideal girl, I'd be happy. I also thought if I could find a fulfilling career that paid me well, I'd be happy. I had both of these things from 1985-1988. Guess what? I wasn't happy. I ended up pushing the girl away through my womanaholia. OK, maybe I just wasn't ready but truly if I ever got a chance again, I'd do the right thing and be happy. Right? Well, I had these things again from 2001-August 2011. Guess what? I still wasn't happy. What is this illusive thing called "Happiness"?
During one of my amazing 12 step groups (this particular one I believe would benefit everyone), I had an awareness. Imagine that we come into this world a bit like an empty glass. Life, parents, siblings, TV, friends, teachers, our own thinking etc. attempt to fill this glass. What if the only thing that can truly fill our glass is "enoughness", unconditional love, connection, oneness, peacefulness, compassion etc.? But what if we didn't get much or any of that stuff? We may try to fill our glass with pleasure, approval, money, career, attractiveness, relationships, nice things, travel, addictions, praise, power, safety etc. Ultimately none of these things really fill us up.
Then what good are these "non-glass filling things"? I had an image of a "koozie". You know, one of those things that people put on bottles, cans etc to keep their drinks warm or cold and make it more comfortable to hold. What if relationships, careers, health, material things, money, etc are all just koozies, here to make our lives more comfortable but can't really fill us up? DUH!
Lately I have been taking many koozies out of my glass. I want to fill my glass with love and enoughness. I really didn't have much room for those because my glass was so filled up with the koozies and I didn't even know it. Unfortunately, having a glass filled with these things felt a lot better than what I've been experiencing lately....an empty glass. Still, I know it's a necessary step to a much more happy, peaceful, connected, fulfilling life.
I've been taking a really deep look at how my wonderful marriage/partnership with Angelina fills us both and what parts may be just a koozie. Obviously, having a wonderful partner that mirrors unconditional love is beneficial for each of us and the world AND really fills our glass. What I've realized lately is that I have often tried to use our sexual relationship koozie to fill my glass too. I know that sex is a wonderful part of life AND as I look transparently at all the ways I've used it to fill my glass, it becomes increasingly apparent that I have also done that with Angelina.
As an experiment, I am choosing to become sexually abstinent for an undetermined time. This did not go over well at all with Angelina. Her comment was "you're the one that wants to give up all your pleasures but now you're making me give up one of mine!. I totally see her, accept her and love her for expressing that. Unfortunately, I feel that this is important for me right now and will make more room for the "glass filling love" that I am so thirsting for. I was celibate for 10 years once but then I turned 11 and said "enough is enough"! (adapted from Swami Beyondananda) Still, since then I have never gone more than 8 days purely abstinent so we'll see how this all goes.
Until then, I am looking forward to growing even more deeply in-love with my bride as we connect in many non-sexual ways. I don't know what the future will bring. What I do know, is that I am more in-love with Angelina than I've ever been and she says the same about me. I can only imagine that as I get more real and more present, more love can and will flow between us.
UPDATE 12/30/2011.....We only made it 2 weeks abstinent. My new experiment is to abstain from orgasm and see how that goes. This does not apply to Angelina. She can have as many as she wants.
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