Could inner peace and happiness be as simple as feeling lovable? I believe that it may well be. I have been feeling lovable for about 6 weeks now and I am starting to realize how new it is for me. Oh sure, I've thought I was lovable many times in the past. It always wore off though. I will do my best to share my story in a succinct way as not to bore you. Yeah right!
Very early on due to my parents' divorce, etc., I was taught "you are unlovable". I believed it. In 4th grade I was diagnosed with "anxiety disorder'. I spent the next 43 years doing my best to quiet any thoughts that would remind me of that belief that I was unlovable. It originally began with an obsessive need for Attention. Then it moved into an obsession with Females. Then an obsession with Spirituality; and finally My Music Career. Actually, I found a way to have a career that would get me my drugs of: Attention; Females; and Spirituality, Meet "Armand The Musical Minister": A man who wanted to make the world a better place so others wouldn't have to feel the pain and fear that he felt. Of course I was mostly unaware of this until recently.
As long as I was getting my drugs, life was good. However, when anything threatened to take away my drugs, I felt horrible withdrawal and the deep belief that I was unlovable came to the surface. The easiest way I found to avoid this pain, was to always be in a new exciting romance. Almost nothing else mattered when I was in love. Constantly traveling to new churches and events where I was able to inspire others, get attention and possibly meet new women was intoxicating also. There is a certain Power and Praise that comes from being on stage and I shot myself up with that drug as often as I could. One of the things that masked this behaviour from me was the knowing that my ministry was actually helping people and was loaded with loving and empowering messages. How could such a Powerful Spiritual message be motivated by Fear and Sadness? Oh well, it was! I'm sure I'm not the only leader in the Spiritual Movement that was a "praise and power junkie", secretly miserable.
In 2007, Angelina demanded that I give up all other romance or she would leave me. I knew that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was attached to her even more than I was to romantic intrigue, so I agreed reluctantly, as long as I could still fantacize as much as I wanted, and spent the next 9 months in pain, fear and anger as I let go of my "drug of choice". I eventually realized how addicted to other women I had been and began to understand how much healthier monogamy was for me. Still, I became increasingly aware of how unlovable I felt and unconsciously went for a stronger dose of Career (ie, power, praise and safety) to compensate.
I was no longer satisfied with the church ministry, I wanted national success, recognition, more money, etc. We got a financial backer, hired a producer and set out to make a CD that would be more mainstream so we could pursue a record company and management. The CD gave us a few new opportunities but ultimately did not give us what we had hoped for. Then we had the brilliant (lol) idea to audition for America's Got Talent! This had enormous potential for success or failure. The results were more horrifying than we could ever have imagined. This devastated me internally because I realized that I was not going to get my drugs ever again.
For the first time in my life, I decided to empty myself of as much as I could of anything that was numbing me from feeling what was really going on inside me. I stopped booking almost any work. I gave up any fantasies about women or career. I entered 3 long term recovery support groups to keep me sober from my drugs. I challenged all my Spiritual beliefs about positivity, law of attraction, free will, etc. to make sure I wasn't using God/Spirituality to avoid my pain. I started studying Real Love by Greg Baer and attending "Real Love Groups" as often as I could. I even tried periods of celibacy to keep me from "using Angelina for drugs".
I slipped into what felt like "depression". I now see it more as "a full recognition of how scared, angry, and unlovable I felt" or "deep expression". I could have taken the advice of many and gone the psychiatric/pharmaceutical route. I could also have, at any time, numbed out again like I had done so many times before but I chose to just be with all of it. This was super hard on Angelina but she supported me fully and we had some savings to cover the bills for about 8 months, so we were OK. This lasted about 5 months until I was insane enough to register for a Course in Vipassana Meditation. This would be a 10 day silent instructional meditation course that involved 10 hours a day of meditation. I was truly alone. This rocked my world!
This course brought decades of fears, anxiety, pain, anger, vindictiveness and hopelessness to the surface. It also gave me awareness's and insights as to my true innocent, lovable, worthy nature that I hadn't felt since early childhood. This intrinsic nature did not need attention, women, spirituality or career to be present. I felt my attachment to all of my drugs begin to diminish. I even felt a healthy non-attachment to Angelina. I wanted to just stay at the retreat center forever. I had never felt this good about myself and I was afraid to lose it. Still, I needed to go home and face my world and find a way to incorporate my new peace and lovableness into my relationship and life.
Re-entry at home was extremely difficult. I wanted to be alone to process my new awareness's with little regard for how it would affect Angelina. After 2 weeks of disconnection, Angelina and I found a new groove and became even more connected and loving than ever before. She noticed that I was more at peace and began to feel even more loved, cherished and respected by me.
I have not felt depressed/unlovable/hopeless or anything like that for 6 weeks. I have a new enthusiasm for our simple church and event career. I don't crave power, praise, sex, women, fantasy, pleasure, or external success anymore. Vipassana is the first technique that I have found that works this way for me. It requires daily practice to continue to allow the darkness to be released and keeps me aware of my beautiful, lovable self. Every time I meditate, do yoga, exercise, eat healthy foods, practice loving-kindness, rest, spend time in nature, tell the truth about myself and reach out for loving support, I remind myself that I am lovable and worthy of peace and happiness. Then I have more loving-kindness to share with others.
I have a new "three-legged stool" of Vipassana, Real Love and Sobriety. Without all three, my support will fail. I feel that my emptying, awareness's and new practices have cured me of my "deep expression" (anxiety and depression) and I plan to spend the rest of my life becoming more and more awake to what is real and true. I am honored to share this journey with you all. May we all find the peace, serenity and happiness that we all so deserve. "What a long, strange trip it's been..Grateful Dead
