Father Mother God Broke My Heart Just Like My Other 3 Parents..

I have made God a central part of my life for as long as I can remember. In the beginning it was because I was told that He loved me and created me and the earth and that "the right thing to do" was to believe in Him, praise Him, apologize to Him for my sins, and mostly to be grateful to Him for all that He has given me and the world (you know, taking a week of His precious time to make the universe and everything).  Oh, and especially for allowing His "only" Son to die on the cross for us. Then, He'd reward me maybe in this life, if He wanted to, but for sure in Heaven.  What a set up for a sick, co-dependent, demoralizing relationship. Sounds a like like my surrogate mother.  Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is true for all Christians, only IMHO, most of them.  If this is not true for you, please don't take it personally/poisonally.

OK, I'm done ranting. I have definitely got all the symptoms of a broken heart.  I've been grieving loss for several months now with bouts of depression which now seems to be moving into anger.  Yippeee!!!   Part of me is really sad at the loss of God in my life.  When I look deeper, I see it's my "Faith in a separate God" that I've lost.  It's very similar to other break-ups that I've had in the past.  In the beginning I feel sad that things didn't work out the way I had planned.  Then I feel angry at the person for not living up to my expectations. Eventually I realize that I had faith is something that didn't exist. I forgive the other person, forgive myself for my part in it, especially my self-betrayal and move on. 

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that some of what I have been doing within my spirituality was because of an expectation of external rewards.  For over a decade, I have been tithing as much as 20%, supporting charities and folks in need, turning the other cheek (or cheeks depending upon the situation),  counseling many folks for free, speaking and singing at some churches for well below our financial desires and just being an "all around good guy".  When much of the external support (mostly career and finances) stopped happening,  it triggered a whole array of disappointment. I also know that most of what I was doing was because it felt good in the moment, and was an expression of my gratitude for all of my blessings. I am still grateful for all my blessings AND I don't want to let that gratitude keep me from being fully authentic.

As I go deeper, I see that this new disappointment has enlightened me to a ton of unresolved issues I had in my emotional, mental and physical body that I had cleverly masked through positivity, new relationships, fantasy, faith in God, people pleasing and performing highs.  So as I let go of all of these masks, at least for now, I am flooded with decades of emotions that are "kicking my ass" good.  I am trusting that the only way out of this is to allow myself to go through it.  This has not been fun!

So, I am looking at how I was able to find peace and resolution with my mother, my father and my surrogate mother (who co-raised me during my early years).  It tooks years of learning and acknowledging what the issues were, lots of therapy and workshops, tons of forgiveness, Angelina's healing love and support, years of "yoga of relationship", 8 days at the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and ultimately, weekly mental/emotional release work with my surrogate mother, who is my only parental figure still alive. How can I apply this same healing to my issues with
Father/Mother/God?

My first idea was to completely let go of any belief in a separate Father/Mother/God.  Still, that didn't do much to heal my heart. In some ways, it made it hurt more because I still had the broken heart but had lost all my Faith in a Power to heal it.  As always, it's an inside job.  If I truly acknowledge the issue, it's attachment to a result and a lack of faith in myself.  Like Buddhism says...."belief in the existence of God is not important. What is important is peace, kindness, compassion and freedom." 

I feel peace when I let go of all my faith in an external Creator to do anything for me.  I feel peace when I believe that all is working out the way it's supposed to, in everyone's best interest. (The Script, Divine Order, Karma)  I feel peace when I trust in my own Higher Power to supply me with strength, compassion, answers, hope and passion.  I feel peace when I trust that life is but a dream and need not be taken so seriously.  I feel peace when I stay sober from anything that masks my authentic self.

First A Heart Breaks...by Armand

First a heart breaks, then it breaks open, finding my way, no more hopin',
Welcome now, tears are welcome now.
Feel so lost, picking up pieces, finding my way, pain releases,
Open now, heart is open now.