Today during my morning Vipassana meditation, my old nemesis "depression" came-a-callin'. I felt myself starting to feel sadness and was being guided to cut my meditation short, give up my morning yoga and workout, and crawl back into bed to process. I resisted the urge to give in and went to the lake to do my practices. On the way I started crying over a painful amends I had made on Sunday. After a few minutes of tearful release, I felt better. Then I did my yoga practices and I felt great.
I realized that "depression" is extremely opportunistic and looks for gateways back into my psyche like H.A.L.T.-hunger, angryness, loneliness and tiredness. It also can use unreleased sadness or physical pain as an entry point. It felt really good to nip it in the bud by checking in with my body and emotions and see what was present. To quote Ram Dass..."I still have all my neurosis'. The difference is, now when they knock on my door, I invite them in for a quick drink before showing them the door to leave."
May We All Be Happy,
May We Find Peace of Mind,
May We All Know the Freedom,
Of Accepting All Life.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
"Cheat Meditate Love"...from Polyamory, to Monogamy, to Sobriety, to Peace
For over 11 years I've always known that Angelina was the most amazing, spiritual, beautiful, kind, funny, loving, sexy, compassionate, talented, supportive, perfect for me woman in the world. I was a raving womanaholic when we met. I told her I could never be monogamous and she agreed to give my lovestyle a try. After 6 1/2 years of open honest polyamory, she said "I'm not able to handle this anymore. It's too painful for me and if something doesn't change, I'm going to have to leave". It was one of the most difficult things I ever did but to keep her happy, I chose monogamy and it was such a positive decision which quite possibly saved my life.
Then, on my own in Sept. I realized that even though I had been monogamous, I was still thinking and fantacizing about other women constantly. She couldn't care less because I wasn't acting on it. Still, I believe she deserves a fully present man of strict fidelity so I joined a long term recovery program, did 90 meetings in 90 days and have been sober since Sept 11th. That sobriety for me took away a constant morphine drip that I had relyed on since I was 10 years old to ease wounds of childhood trauma that I was afraid to fully confront and thus unable to heal. Add to this that 40% of our income went away for two years, I had lost my interest in my wonderful career of 16 years and was humiliated on mainstream tv in front of 15 million people and 100's of thousands of youtube viewers.
I became horribly depressed for 2 months and then gradually moved up to apathy until I attended a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation course in late January. In this course I was able to connect with my magical, divine, innocent beauty in a way I had never experienced. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I felt complete PEACE at moments. I also was made aware of tons of my shadow and I was suicidal many of those days. I also saw more clearly some shadow in my relationship that I'll just generalize as "codependency". I was told clearly by my higher power, "in order to move into your new destiny, this shadow in your marriage must be healed". So I came home, in a bit of a manic, rehabilitated stupor and asked Angelina if we could take some time off from our relationship so I could find myself and integrate these new awarenesses. I stupidly used the words "temporary 6 month separation" and the rest is history. We are moving wonderfully forward from the hell we were in and I believe the "fire" was a painfully divine part of our healing.
Oh I already know my critics are going to find this a massive case of "victim consciousness" and I'm OK with that. This is my journey however, not theirs, and I am grateful for these last 5 months of discovery, regardless of my pain and weakness through it. Angelina and I are finding new depths of intimacy and healthy connection. We are not "out of the woods" yet but I am completely trusting that we will do what we've done for 11 years and continue to get closer, healthier and more conscious and loving in our partnership. I also have a renewed enthusiasm for life, re-establishing our musical ministry, exercise, my new meditation and loving-kindness practice and "being in the now".
Today we had another confirmation of the value of our marriage......we saved $200 on our car insurance with Geico. Ok, not Geico but we did save $200 on our tax accountant because for the first time, we are able to fill a joint return. There's such power in committed partnership!!!
Then, on my own in Sept. I realized that even though I had been monogamous, I was still thinking and fantacizing about other women constantly. She couldn't care less because I wasn't acting on it. Still, I believe she deserves a fully present man of strict fidelity so I joined a long term recovery program, did 90 meetings in 90 days and have been sober since Sept 11th. That sobriety for me took away a constant morphine drip that I had relyed on since I was 10 years old to ease wounds of childhood trauma that I was afraid to fully confront and thus unable to heal. Add to this that 40% of our income went away for two years, I had lost my interest in my wonderful career of 16 years and was humiliated on mainstream tv in front of 15 million people and 100's of thousands of youtube viewers.
I became horribly depressed for 2 months and then gradually moved up to apathy until I attended a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation course in late January. In this course I was able to connect with my magical, divine, innocent beauty in a way I had never experienced. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I felt complete PEACE at moments. I also was made aware of tons of my shadow and I was suicidal many of those days. I also saw more clearly some shadow in my relationship that I'll just generalize as "codependency". I was told clearly by my higher power, "in order to move into your new destiny, this shadow in your marriage must be healed". So I came home, in a bit of a manic, rehabilitated stupor and asked Angelina if we could take some time off from our relationship so I could find myself and integrate these new awarenesses. I stupidly used the words "temporary 6 month separation" and the rest is history. We are moving wonderfully forward from the hell we were in and I believe the "fire" was a painfully divine part of our healing.
Oh I already know my critics are going to find this a massive case of "victim consciousness" and I'm OK with that. This is my journey however, not theirs, and I am grateful for these last 5 months of discovery, regardless of my pain and weakness through it. Angelina and I are finding new depths of intimacy and healthy connection. We are not "out of the woods" yet but I am completely trusting that we will do what we've done for 11 years and continue to get closer, healthier and more conscious and loving in our partnership. I also have a renewed enthusiasm for life, re-establishing our musical ministry, exercise, my new meditation and loving-kindness practice and "being in the now".
Today we had another confirmation of the value of our marriage......we saved $200 on our car insurance with Geico. Ok, not Geico but we did save $200 on our tax accountant because for the first time, we are able to fill a joint return. There's such power in committed partnership!!!
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