Sadness....A Huge Step Up from Depression!

This morning I felt a deep pain in my heart.(ouch) My first response was "omg, I've been so happy for over a week, I hope this isn't depression".(fear)  I'm happy to say that it wasn't. I was just feeling some sadness of being in my hometown and not having my mom or little brother alive anymore, combined with being told a few weeks ago by my older sister/surrogate mother, that she would not be talking to me for 5 months.(loss)   She claimed she was doing a silent retreat, but I keep running into people that say she is calling them.(liar) So, the reality is that she is "cutting me off", again, for now.(abandoner)  This is actually a wonderful thing for me on all accounts because truthfully, our relationship is extremely toxic. Still, there is a part of me that wants to believe in "Santa Claus" and had an expectation that she'd somehow be sane, truthful and loving even though she's proven over and over that she is incapable of being that way consistently with me.(fantasy addict)  THAT's where the grief comes in. When I can fully accept her and myself EXACTLY the way we are, with no expectations, I will be free. (don't hold your breath)

One voice that I need to let go of is the voice that says...."You should have already healed this by now!". That is actually my biggest weakness. Telling myself I'm weak. LOL I wonder where I learned that programming? Thanks sis! (passive/aggressive sarcasm)

I did what my programs suggest and called people that could hear my truth, see me and accept me. (real love)  After the 5th call, I finally made contact with my best male friend (John) and not only did I get "loved up", he got "loved up" too. Why does that phone weigh 10,000 pounds when I need to share a weak moment? (exaggerator)  It's so light when I am feeling good or helping others.

Writing this journal has helped me feel better. I hope it in some way helps you.  As always, comments are welcome as we navigate this journey together.

Find Your Soulmate and You'll Find Happiness.......NOT!

I love fairy tales.  There's always a wonderful romance and the couple finds love and happiness in each other.  I always had the fantasy that if I found the ideal girl, I'd be happy.  I also thought if I could find a fulfilling career that paid me well, I'd be happy.  I had both of these things from 1985-1988.  Guess what?   I wasn't happy.  I ended up pushing the girl away through my womanaholia.  OK, maybe I just wasn't ready but truly if I ever got a chance again, I'd do the right thing and be happy.  Right?   Well, I had these things again from 2001-August 2011.  Guess what?  I still wasn't happy.  What is this illusive thing called "Happiness"?


During one of my amazing 12 step groups (this particular one I believe would benefit everyone), I had an awareness. Imagine that we come into this world a bit like an empty glass.  Life, parents, siblings, TV, friends, teachers, our own thinking etc. attempt to fill this glass.  What if the only thing that can truly fill our glass is "enoughness", unconditional love, connection, oneness, peacefulness, compassion etc.?  But what if we didn't get much or any of that stuff?  We may try to fill our glass with pleasure, approval, money, career, attractiveness, relationships, nice things, travel, addictions, praise, power, safety etc.  Ultimately none of these things really fill us up.

Then what good are these "non-glass filling things"?  I had an image of a "koozie".  You know, one of those things that people put on bottles, cans etc to keep their drinks warm or cold and make it more comfortable to hold.   What if relationships, careers, health, material things, money, etc are all just koozies, here to make our lives more comfortable but can't really fill us up?  DUH!

Lately I have been taking many koozies out of my glass.  I want to fill my glass with love and enoughness.  I really didn't have much room for those because my glass was so filled up with the koozies and I didn't even know it.  Unfortunately, having a glass filled with these things felt a lot better than what I've been experiencing lately....an empty glass.  Still, I know it's a necessary step to a much more happy, peaceful, connected, fulfilling life.

I've been taking a really deep look at how my wonderful marriage/partnership with Angelina fills us both  and what parts may be just a koozie.  Obviously, having a wonderful partner that mirrors unconditional love is beneficial for each of us and the world AND really fills our glass.  What I've realized lately is that I have often tried to use our sexual relationship koozie to fill my glass too.  I know that sex is a wonderful part of life AND as I look transparently at all the ways I've used it to fill my glass, it becomes increasingly apparent that I have also done that with Angelina.

As an experiment, I am choosing to become sexually abstinent for an undetermined time.  This did not go over well at all with Angelina.  Her comment was "you're the one that wants to give up all your pleasures but now you're making me give up one of mine!.  I totally see her, accept her and love her for expressing that.  Unfortunately, I feel that this is important for me right now and will make more room for the "glass filling love" that I am so thirsting for.  I was celibate for 10 years once but then I turned 11 and said "enough is enough"! (adapted from Swami Beyondananda)  Still, since then I have never gone more than 8 days purely abstinent so we'll see how this all goes.

Until then, I am looking forward to growing even more deeply in-love with my bride as we connect in many non-sexual ways. I don't know what the future will bring. What I do know, is that I am more in-love with Angelina than I've ever been and she says the same about me.  I can only imagine that as I get more real and more present, more love can and will flow between us.

UPDATE 12/30/2011.....We only made it 2 weeks abstinent. My new experiment is to abstain from orgasm and see how that goes.  This does not apply to Angelina. She can have as many as she wants.

Jesus Christ!..........I Finally Get it!

Lately I've become more and more aware that "unconditional love" is what we all crave and so few of us got very much of it.  I've been attending 12-step meetings and Real Love groups, all designed to give pure love and acceptance regardless of what is going on in our lives.  Judgment seems to be the antithesis of unconditional love and I am looking at ways to see when I and others are using imitation love to protect or get something in return. (see RealLove.Com)

After spending 15 hours surrounded by Christians that believe that Jesus died for their sins, is the Lord, is the only son of God, knows every hair on their head and that anything that is in contradiction to the Bible (word of God) is false, ie, evolution, dinosaurs, age of our planet,  I finally felt on a soul level what in God's name could motivate people to believe this way.  Here's what came to me....

According to Greg Baer/Real Love...."since most of us know very little about Real Love, we spend our lives filling up on imitation love".  We also search fearlessly for any example of Real Love.  We look for anyone that can accept us for who we are without needing anything in return.  Most of us have found at least a few people we can intimately share our truths with and will see us and accept us. Still, since the unconscious mind is directing most of what we think, do and feel, we need lots of this Real Love to feel enough and counteract the old imitation love programming. Sure, dogs give us unconditional love but it doesn't translate to "we are loved" the way it does when it comes from a human. 

Along comes the concept of Jesus.  This man came to earth to save us.  He wanted nothing in return.  He knows everything about us and accepts us unconditionally.  We can nail him to a cross and his love and acceptance doesn't diminish.  No wonder people give into this completely.  Even if they feel it nowhere else, there is Real Love there.  They can actually stop putting so much time into finding Real Love and live a life of service. They can build schools, adopt children, support orphanages, feed the poor, bring water to villages who have none, etc etc.  I've often wondered why the Christians seem to be the ones giving up their time and money to help the needy. They want to give back.  They have this dude that gave his all to them and they want to pay it back. It's not so important that they become fully self-loving and expand our consciousnesses like all of us new age/new thought folks are trying desperately to do.  What's important is how much they can serve the other inhabitants of Mother Earth.  We have "the law of attraction", they have "love thy neighbor".  Whether it comes back to you or not. It doesn't matter, they know they are loved and give for the sake of giving.

I'm still a pragmatic agnostic and will continue to do what I can to fill myself up with Real Love.  In the meantime, I hope to adopt more of the Christian philosophy of giving my time and energy to lift my brother, feed a child, serve a community and nurture humanity.

Saturday I Occupied Sonoyta Mexico

Early Saturday morning we headed to Sonoyta, a border town 3 hours southwest of Phoenix. We went to do mission work for a small orphanage.  I didn't know what I was doing but felt a call to go. The whole day was life-changing and really gave me a new perspective.  When I saw the children, my heart broke and opened all at the same time.  The orphanage was in many ways falling apart.  I've never seen poverty like I did in that town. Still, there was an appreciation in many people's smiles. Not sure what they appreciated. Maybe life. Maybe love. Overall, there seemed to be a sense of simple contentment.  They also seemed to know that they were loved as did many of the folks we met.

It appeared that there was much less association of money with success.  I couldn't help but think of the USA. How so many of us seem less appreciative and have so much more material wealth and financial security.  The children were playing in the dirt and it didn't matter. There had food, clothing and some form of shelter and that was enough.  We brought lots of things to help them have a more abundant Christmas. A simple meal was cooked by volunteers and freely offered to all of us and anyone else on the street that was hungry.  Many orphans are a result of druggie parents etc. Others are there because their parents have immigrated illegally across the border and were unable or unwilling to come back and get them. I couldn't help but see the irony that so many are risking their lives to come to the US and most of us are sick of our country and occupying many cities in revolt.

While we were there, we took part in a celebration that included giving gifts to the children and spreading the message of Jesus Christ to anyone open to becoming "saved".  I couldn't help but laugh at that irony because I'm agnostic and am not even sure if Jesus existed other than in myth.  Still, it didn't matter what it was disguised as, the love and compassion that was given and felt was amazing. I was on the verge of tears the whole day but held it in to be present to the children, make sandwiches for the attendees and serve in whatever way I could.  Most of the day I just played with the kids and made them laugh.

My Spanish is not very good so I did my best to communicate with the children.  Still, the language of love, compassion and care seemed to be what everyone was speaking the most.  I got back to my car in AZ at 11pm.  The minute I said goodnight and left the others, I burst into tears.  I felt so many emotions: sadness, love, compassion, connection, guilt, emptiness, loss, confusion, etc.  The Mexican people reminded me that I somehow lost the simple purity that I once had. Yes I am grateful for all the wealth I have known AND it not only never gave me what I really needed, it also immunized me a bit to what was really important in life.  I know that I went there to share my love, time and service with the children but I really feel like I received more than I gave.

The next time I feel any lack in my life, or the urge to complain, I will remember those simple, smiling, loving faces and remember how blessed I am.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny If.......

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you think you are more spiritual than everyone you know.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "It's all Good" a lot.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never seem to have steady employment.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you liked the "old Armand" better.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; you use words like; vibration, aura, alignment, maya, illusion.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   you give full body hugs to everyone you meet.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   you insist on hugs to the right so you are "heart-to-heart".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "Cancel/Clear" when you hear anything negative.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never show overt anger but use lots of passive/aggressive behaviour, ie. things come out sideways.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you take credit for "attracting" good things into your life but it's "Divine Order" when you don't get the desired result.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are single because other people are too co-dependent.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; you're constantly correcting all masculinity by making it feminine or adding female gender. (ie. Amen becomes Awomen or Aperson. God becomes God/Goddess, etc)

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have changed your name at least once, especially if you changed it to Feather, Bliss, Joyful, Abundance, Peace or an east Indian name like Shakti, Shanti or Krishna or add "ananda" as in Armandananda.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are unable to hear or read anything without translating it into words that are more positive or happy. 

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are a vegetarian and righteous about it.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you rarely ever cry except for "tears of joy and gratitude".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you rarely allow yourself to express uncomfortable emotions.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are constantly taking other people's inventory judging all their actions by your own righteous standards.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you speak in spiritual platitudes when something is bothering you.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if; your kids don't feel they can count on you and think you are a "flake".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't buy your clothes anywhere but Pyramid Collection and at New Age shops. (A and A)

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you think you are the happiest person you know.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  people follow you thinking you are a "Master" or are "enlightened"

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you tend to fear intimate connection.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid commitment because you like to stay "in the Now".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you spend much of your time in ashrams and other spiritual centers.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you stare uncomfortably long into others' eyes.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  most people haven't a fucking clue what you are talking about.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you need to find a positive reason for everything that happens.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;   any of this bothers you.  This is almost a guarantee.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  your diet changes like the weather and includes lots of restrictions from foods that may be "too grounding".  OK, busted.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you believe that you have transcended your shadow or it doesn't affect you because it's an illusion.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you are scared to death of Pain, Sadness, Fear or Illness.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid your biological family because they "bring you down".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  your finances are a mess because you will not buy into the illusion of lack.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have a HUGE "sense of entitlement" because you are GOD.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you feel the need to be sexually free because it's more evolved than monogamy.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you believe in reincarnation and that this will be your last lifetime.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you have lots of sacred cows.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  when confronted, you say "that's your projection".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  spiritual laws pertain to others but you have risen above them.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you constantly feel that others are judging you.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  one day everyone will come around to your philosophy just like realizing the earth is round.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you use superlatives a lot. (ie, this is the best day ever; that was the most amazing speaker; this new workshop blows all others away;  this healing modality is the best; you are the worst, best, or least-evolved person I know.)  OK, busted again.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you avoid all media for fear it will take you out of  "la la land".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't think about poverty, rape, murder, etc because "it's not your problem".

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you never express despair.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you don't seem to have any long-term relationships.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you say "All is Well" even in the light of human tragedy.

You May Be a Bliss Bunny if;  you can't stand Bliss Bunnies. OK, busted again.

Here are some definitions of  Bliss Bunny:  1. one who avoids uncomfortable emotions at all costs. 2. one who pursues ecstatic states obsessively. 3. one who is addicted to bliss; 4. one who just wants to have a good time.