This morning I felt a deep pain in my heart.(ouch) My first response was "omg, I've been so happy for over a week, I hope this isn't depression".(fear) I'm happy to say that it wasn't. I was just feeling some sadness of being in my hometown and not having my mom or little brother alive anymore, combined with being told a few weeks ago by my older sister/surrogate mother, that she would not be talking to me for 5 months.(loss) She claimed she was doing a silent retreat, but I keep running into people that say she is calling them.(liar) So, the reality is that she is "cutting me off", again, for now.(abandoner) This is actually a wonderful thing for me on all accounts because truthfully, our relationship is extremely toxic. Still, there is a part of me that wants to believe in "Santa Claus" and had an expectation that she'd somehow be sane, truthful and loving even though she's proven over and over that she is incapable of being that way consistently with me.(fantasy addict) THAT's where the grief comes in. When I can fully accept her and myself EXACTLY the way we are, with no expectations, I will be free. (don't hold your breath)
One voice that I need to let go of is the voice that says...."You should have already healed this by now!". That is actually my biggest weakness. Telling myself I'm weak. LOL I wonder where I learned that programming? Thanks sis! (passive/aggressive sarcasm)
I did what my programs suggest and called people that could hear my truth, see me and accept me. (real love) After the 5th call, I finally made contact with my best male friend (John) and not only did I get "loved up", he got "loved up" too. Why does that phone weigh 10,000 pounds when I need to share a weak moment? (exaggerator) It's so light when I am feeling good or helping others.
Writing this journal has helped me feel better. I hope it in some way helps you. As always, comments are welcome as we navigate this journey together.
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