The more I awaken, the more paradoxical life appears. Also, the more I open to the idea that harmony can exist within opposing beliefs.
Let's take the whole omnivore vs. vegetarian conflict: Can a vegetarian diet be healthy? YES Can an omnivorous diet be healthy? YES Can a vegetarian diet support sustainability? YES Can an omnivorous diet support sustainability? YES. Are there hateful vegetarians? YES Are there loving, kind omnivores? YES (see my blog; Meat, to Eat or Not to Eat)
What about the two major political parties? Is there wisdom in the Democratic agenda? YES Is there wisdom in the Republican agenda? YES Is there stupidity amongst both parties? YES Are there humanitarian, ecologically minded Republicans? YES Are there racist, sexist, greedy Democrats? YES (see my blog; Republicrats Unite)
What about God? Is there evidence to support the existence of God? YES Is there evidence to support the non-existence of God? YES Did Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and Muhammad all share wisdom about how to find peace while on earth? YES Is there evidence that they didn't actually exist and are all mythical beings? YES Do religions serve the people? YES Do religions create separation? YES.
How about Philosophy? Is there evidence to support Predestination? YES Is there evidence to support Free Will? YES Is there evidence to support we create our reality? YES Is there evidence to support we don't create our reality? YES Can one find peace through solitude? YES Can one find peace through partnership? YES Can gratitude enhance our lives? YES Can gratitude worsen our lives? YES (see my blog: The Dark Side of Gratitude) Can the death penalty be humane? YES Can the death penalty be inhumane? YES (see my blog on the death penalty)
Is abortion a woman's right? YES Is abortion killing? YES
What about technology? Is the Internet good for humanity? YES Is the Internet bad for humanity? YES Can TV be a distraction pulling us away from Oneness? YES Can TV inspire us to feel more Oneness? YES
How about drugs? Can psychedelic drugs destroy our brains and make us less functional? YES Can psychedelic drugs expand our minds, making us more of service to ourselves and society? YES Do pharmaceutical drugs give us symptomatic relief, doing nothing to fix the real cause of the problem? YES Do pharmaceutical drugs help us to live more balanced, pain-free lives? YES
What about ETs? Is there evidence to support the existence of Extra-terrestrials? YES Is there evidence to support that we are alone? YES Is there evidence that ETs are benevolent? YES Is there evidence that ETs are sinister with anti-human agendas? YES
John Dimartini says "there is a front and a back to everything. Like flip sides of a coin. If we try to separate one from the other, we end up with two worthless pieces of metal." I believe that one of the new paradigms that is being ushered in with the whole 2012 consciousness shift is the idea that it's perfectly OK to allow contradictory ideas to co-exist in our minds. Not only is it OK, it may be essential if we are to evolve. We may need to move from strong fast-held beliefs, to open-minded preferences.
I look forward to the day when we can all see that the cup is half empty and half full!! Then again, maybe it isn't. LOL
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Father Mother God Broke My Heart Just Like My Other 3 Parents..
I have made God a central part of my life for as long as I can remember. In the beginning it was because I was told that He loved me and created me and the earth and that "the right thing to do" was to believe in Him, praise Him, apologize to Him for my sins, and mostly to be grateful to Him for all that He has given me and the world (you know, taking a week of His precious time to make the universe and everything). Oh, and especially for allowing His "only" Son to die on the cross for us. Then, He'd reward me maybe in this life, if He wanted to, but for sure in Heaven. What a set up for a sick, co-dependent, demoralizing relationship. Sounds a like like my surrogate mother. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is true for all Christians, only IMHO, most of them. If this is not true for you, please don't take it personally/poisonally.
OK, I'm done ranting. I have definitely got all the symptoms of a broken heart. I've been grieving loss for several months now with bouts of depression which now seems to be moving into anger. Yippeee!!! Part of me is really sad at the loss of God in my life. When I look deeper, I see it's my "Faith in a separate God" that I've lost. It's very similar to other break-ups that I've had in the past. In the beginning I feel sad that things didn't work out the way I had planned. Then I feel angry at the person for not living up to my expectations. Eventually I realize that I had faith is something that didn't exist. I forgive the other person, forgive myself for my part in it, especially my self-betrayal and move on.
I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that some of what I have been doing within my spirituality was because of an expectation of external rewards. For over a decade, I have been tithing as much as 20%, supporting charities and folks in need, turning the other cheek (or cheeks depending upon the situation), counseling many folks for free, speaking and singing at some churches for well below our financial desires and just being an "all around good guy". When much of the external support (mostly career and finances) stopped happening, it triggered a whole array of disappointment. I also know that most of what I was doing was because it felt good in the moment, and was an expression of my gratitude for all of my blessings. I am still grateful for all my blessings AND I don't want to let that gratitude keep me from being fully authentic.
As I go deeper, I see that this new disappointment has enlightened me to a ton of unresolved issues I had in my emotional, mental and physical body that I had cleverly masked through positivity, new relationships, fantasy, faith in God, people pleasing and performing highs. So as I let go of all of these masks, at least for now, I am flooded with decades of emotions that are "kicking my ass" good. I am trusting that the only way out of this is to allow myself to go through it. This has not been fun!
So, I am looking at how I was able to find peace and resolution with my mother, my father and my surrogate mother (who co-raised me during my early years). It tooks years of learning and acknowledging what the issues were, lots of therapy and workshops, tons of forgiveness, Angelina's healing love and support, years of "yoga of relationship", 8 days at the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and ultimately, weekly mental/emotional release work with my surrogate mother, who is my only parental figure still alive. How can I apply this same healing to my issues with
Father/Mother/God?
My first idea was to completely let go of any belief in a separate Father/Mother/God. Still, that didn't do much to heal my heart. In some ways, it made it hurt more because I still had the broken heart but had lost all my Faith in a Power to heal it. As always, it's an inside job. If I truly acknowledge the issue, it's attachment to a result and a lack of faith in myself. Like Buddhism says...."belief in the existence of God is not important. What is important is peace, kindness, compassion and freedom."
I feel peace when I let go of all my faith in an external Creator to do anything for me. I feel peace when I believe that all is working out the way it's supposed to, in everyone's best interest. (The Script, Divine Order, Karma) I feel peace when I trust in my own Higher Power to supply me with strength, compassion, answers, hope and passion. I feel peace when I trust that life is but a dream and need not be taken so seriously. I feel peace when I stay sober from anything that masks my authentic self.
First A Heart Breaks...by Armand
First a heart breaks, then it breaks open, finding my way, no more hopin',
Welcome now, tears are welcome now.
Feel so lost, picking up pieces, finding my way, pain releases,
Open now, heart is open now.
OK, I'm done ranting. I have definitely got all the symptoms of a broken heart. I've been grieving loss for several months now with bouts of depression which now seems to be moving into anger. Yippeee!!! Part of me is really sad at the loss of God in my life. When I look deeper, I see it's my "Faith in a separate God" that I've lost. It's very similar to other break-ups that I've had in the past. In the beginning I feel sad that things didn't work out the way I had planned. Then I feel angry at the person for not living up to my expectations. Eventually I realize that I had faith is something that didn't exist. I forgive the other person, forgive myself for my part in it, especially my self-betrayal and move on.
I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that some of what I have been doing within my spirituality was because of an expectation of external rewards. For over a decade, I have been tithing as much as 20%, supporting charities and folks in need, turning the other cheek (or cheeks depending upon the situation), counseling many folks for free, speaking and singing at some churches for well below our financial desires and just being an "all around good guy". When much of the external support (mostly career and finances) stopped happening, it triggered a whole array of disappointment. I also know that most of what I was doing was because it felt good in the moment, and was an expression of my gratitude for all of my blessings. I am still grateful for all my blessings AND I don't want to let that gratitude keep me from being fully authentic.
As I go deeper, I see that this new disappointment has enlightened me to a ton of unresolved issues I had in my emotional, mental and physical body that I had cleverly masked through positivity, new relationships, fantasy, faith in God, people pleasing and performing highs. So as I let go of all of these masks, at least for now, I am flooded with decades of emotions that are "kicking my ass" good. I am trusting that the only way out of this is to allow myself to go through it. This has not been fun!
So, I am looking at how I was able to find peace and resolution with my mother, my father and my surrogate mother (who co-raised me during my early years). It tooks years of learning and acknowledging what the issues were, lots of therapy and workshops, tons of forgiveness, Angelina's healing love and support, years of "yoga of relationship", 8 days at the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and ultimately, weekly mental/emotional release work with my surrogate mother, who is my only parental figure still alive. How can I apply this same healing to my issues with
Father/Mother/God?
My first idea was to completely let go of any belief in a separate Father/Mother/God. Still, that didn't do much to heal my heart. In some ways, it made it hurt more because I still had the broken heart but had lost all my Faith in a Power to heal it. As always, it's an inside job. If I truly acknowledge the issue, it's attachment to a result and a lack of faith in myself. Like Buddhism says...."belief in the existence of God is not important. What is important is peace, kindness, compassion and freedom."
I feel peace when I let go of all my faith in an external Creator to do anything for me. I feel peace when I believe that all is working out the way it's supposed to, in everyone's best interest. (The Script, Divine Order, Karma) I feel peace when I trust in my own Higher Power to supply me with strength, compassion, answers, hope and passion. I feel peace when I trust that life is but a dream and need not be taken so seriously. I feel peace when I stay sober from anything that masks my authentic self.
First A Heart Breaks...by Armand
First a heart breaks, then it breaks open, finding my way, no more hopin',
Welcome now, tears are welcome now.
Feel so lost, picking up pieces, finding my way, pain releases,
Open now, heart is open now.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Mano-pause...why don't I feel "Hotter Than Ever"?
Well, it's time to address a little known condition called "Andropause, sometimes colloquially called "Mano-pause". It is a name that has been given to a menopause-like condition in aging men. This relates to the slow but steady reduction of the production of the hormones testosterone and dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) in middle-aged men."...wikipedia
When I went in for blood work a few years ago, we were told I had adrenal fatigue and low testosterone. The adrenal fatigue was not surprising given all the balls I've been juggling for the last 30 years, but low testosterone? How could this be? Angelina fainted. Proof again that the #1 erogenous zone is the brain. Still, it was very helpful for me to support my adrenals through supplementation, exercise, and stress reduction, while at the same time taking some testosterone replacement. I was feeling better within a month and this lasted pretty much 2 years even though I stopped supplementing after a year.
For about 2 months, I've been experiencing the previous symptoms plus a whole array of mental/emotional conditions. New evidence lists these symptoms for mano-pause too....."loss of libido and potency, nervousness, depression, impaired memory, the inability to concentrate, fatigue, insomnia, hot flushes, and sweating. Heller and Myers found that their subjects had lower than normal levels of testosterone, and that symptoms decreased dramatically when patients were given replacement doses of testosterone." ...wikipedia Fortunately for Angelina and me, my libido, though a bit diminished, is still in tact.
This is also called ...."The Tunnel". A time in a man's life when he no longer fully relates to his current life and enters a dark tunnel as he moves towards his new life. In The Male Road Map by Al Polito, "the tunnel" is described as "the time a man begins to live life for himself in a way that he hasn't done. If his youth was sheltered, he might have an uncontainable urge to begin experimenting with his fascinations. Sometimes, the man will find that the kingdom he built was not the kingdom he wanted at all. In the process, various aspects of a man’s life may be shed: his career, his practical car, his significant other, his pretense, his inhibitions, whatever worked in the past that no longer serves—ultimately his inauthenticity. It may be a rough time." (boy is that an understatement!) This is one of the roughest times of my life. I can really understand why some folks end it all during this phase. It can feel overwhelmingly hopeless.
"The magnitude of the changes called for may cause some men to shut down and settle back into their lives without making any changes. Such a man’s mind, heart, soul and body will rebel against him. His kingdom will be poisoned. All archetypes, high and low, have their proper place in every man, but for healthy men, the boyish, self-centered ego (which governs the low archetypes) will, in the end, be set aside (not banished) in order for the man’s sense of purpose and duty to prevail. This is the theme of true adulthood."
"So, standing at the entrance and facing his tunnel, a man has the great opportunity to examine which archetypes have been running the show, and why, even if he doesn't use this Jungian language. Maybe a boy has been running the show, medicating with drugs or alcohol to avoid grief, or running a parade of women through his life in search of power or validation. Or conversely, a man who spent his life being a “caretaker” personality may find that the boy within him never got to play, and demands a good time." This feels so right on to me. I feel like I'm smack dab in the middle of the tunnel with little light visible on either end.
According to Al, here's the good news...."Whatever the challenge of his tunnel, after he has been through his, a man will have emerged with a stronger sense of self. He will know what interests him and what does not. His tolerance for things he has left behind will evaporate. He has determined who he is and what he serves. He now bears the crown of the king."
Lately, I've lost my faith in an external God. I've lost my faith in major parts of my personality. I've lost my passion for work. I've lost my faith in positive thinking and the law of attraction.
What I've gained is: a faith in Divine Order/Karma/Predestination. More awareness that there is a unifying power and presence within me and the Universe and that presence is LOVE!. I've learned to love and honor parts of me I had denied. I've recognized a cunning addiction that was running much of my life and committed to a new sobriety from it. I've become more present to myself, Angelina and my world. Ultimately, I've sacrificed much of what I knew in order to gain more peace and freedom.
It's really hard to explain that I could possibly have gained all these things and still feel so confused, depressed, angry, lost, afraid and even a bit cynical. Well, it just feels, and I have been told, that it's a natural symptom of my house of cards falling down and "this too shall pass". After 2 months in "the tunnel", I'm already starting to feel a bit better for days at a time. Last night and today I've actually (don't tell anyone) felt really happy. Maybe I've just gone insane!Hurry up 2012. I'm ready for A New Earth!
When I went in for blood work a few years ago, we were told I had adrenal fatigue and low testosterone. The adrenal fatigue was not surprising given all the balls I've been juggling for the last 30 years, but low testosterone? How could this be? Angelina fainted. Proof again that the #1 erogenous zone is the brain. Still, it was very helpful for me to support my adrenals through supplementation, exercise, and stress reduction, while at the same time taking some testosterone replacement. I was feeling better within a month and this lasted pretty much 2 years even though I stopped supplementing after a year.
For about 2 months, I've been experiencing the previous symptoms plus a whole array of mental/emotional conditions. New evidence lists these symptoms for mano-pause too....."loss of libido and potency, nervousness, depression, impaired memory, the inability to concentrate, fatigue, insomnia, hot flushes, and sweating. Heller and Myers found that their subjects had lower than normal levels of testosterone, and that symptoms decreased dramatically when patients were given replacement doses of testosterone." ...wikipedia Fortunately for Angelina and me, my libido, though a bit diminished, is still in tact.
This is also called ...."The Tunnel". A time in a man's life when he no longer fully relates to his current life and enters a dark tunnel as he moves towards his new life. In The Male Road Map by Al Polito, "the tunnel" is described as "the time a man begins to live life for himself in a way that he hasn't done. If his youth was sheltered, he might have an uncontainable urge to begin experimenting with his fascinations. Sometimes, the man will find that the kingdom he built was not the kingdom he wanted at all. In the process, various aspects of a man’s life may be shed: his career, his practical car, his significant other, his pretense, his inhibitions, whatever worked in the past that no longer serves—ultimately his inauthenticity. It may be a rough time." (boy is that an understatement!) This is one of the roughest times of my life. I can really understand why some folks end it all during this phase. It can feel overwhelmingly hopeless.
"The magnitude of the changes called for may cause some men to shut down and settle back into their lives without making any changes. Such a man’s mind, heart, soul and body will rebel against him. His kingdom will be poisoned. All archetypes, high and low, have their proper place in every man, but for healthy men, the boyish, self-centered ego (which governs the low archetypes) will, in the end, be set aside (not banished) in order for the man’s sense of purpose and duty to prevail. This is the theme of true adulthood."
"So, standing at the entrance and facing his tunnel, a man has the great opportunity to examine which archetypes have been running the show, and why, even if he doesn't use this Jungian language. Maybe a boy has been running the show, medicating with drugs or alcohol to avoid grief, or running a parade of women through his life in search of power or validation. Or conversely, a man who spent his life being a “caretaker” personality may find that the boy within him never got to play, and demands a good time." This feels so right on to me. I feel like I'm smack dab in the middle of the tunnel with little light visible on either end.
According to Al, here's the good news...."Whatever the challenge of his tunnel, after he has been through his, a man will have emerged with a stronger sense of self. He will know what interests him and what does not. His tolerance for things he has left behind will evaporate. He has determined who he is and what he serves. He now bears the crown of the king."
Lately, I've lost my faith in an external God. I've lost my faith in major parts of my personality. I've lost my passion for work. I've lost my faith in positive thinking and the law of attraction.
What I've gained is: a faith in Divine Order/Karma/Predestination. More awareness that there is a unifying power and presence within me and the Universe and that presence is LOVE!. I've learned to love and honor parts of me I had denied. I've recognized a cunning addiction that was running much of my life and committed to a new sobriety from it. I've become more present to myself, Angelina and my world. Ultimately, I've sacrificed much of what I knew in order to gain more peace and freedom.
It's really hard to explain that I could possibly have gained all these things and still feel so confused, depressed, angry, lost, afraid and even a bit cynical. Well, it just feels, and I have been told, that it's a natural symptom of my house of cards falling down and "this too shall pass". After 2 months in "the tunnel", I'm already starting to feel a bit better for days at a time. Last night and today I've actually (don't tell anyone) felt really happy. Maybe I've just gone insane!Hurry up 2012. I'm ready for A New Earth!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Polyintimacy: The Hunger Beneath All Hungers!
Polyintimacy has a variety of definitions, but my definition is...."any practice in which one person may have relationships with more than one person, which are more emotionally intimate than the type of interaction normally associated with friendships and family, and which may be consistent with some definitions of the term `love.' Intimate is defined as...1. belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature; 2. marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity and 3. of a very personal or private nature.
Intimacy is defined as....1. emotional warmth and closeness; 2. sexual relations; 3. something that is very personal and private — usually plural. Funny how sex gets brought into the equation even though the word intimacy was derived from the word intimate, which has nothing to do with sex. I have to laugh when Angelina and I shop at the "intimate apparel" section of a department store. LOL Actually, I can say with relative surety that sex that is intimate is the exception to the rule. Most people I know that have sex and/or love addictions (almost everyone), have never been addicted to intimate sex and love. Some may never have even experienced it. Pornography, Strip Clubs, Prostitution, Swinging, Obsession, Casual Sex, Fantasy Masturbation, Massage Parlors, etc. have nothing to do with intimacy. I don't judge any of it but these are the things people most often get addicted to. Not quality, intimate, sexual relationships.
The definition of intimate itself would foster a sense of self worth, connection and safety. These are exactly opposite of what someone that becomes addicted feels. As I experience deeper and deeper levels of emotional/sexual sobriety, I'm getting more and more in touch with what I've truly been longing for my whole life. A true sense of connection to myself and the world, self worth and a sense of safety in expressing my thoughts and feelings. Recently at a mixed 12 step meeting, I realized, as I heard the other men and women sharing their experience, strength and hope, that this deep, open, transparent fellowship had triggered a profound sense of oneness, which is beginning to fill the "love-shaped hole" that I've had as long as I can remember. This is the true polyintimacy I've been longing for.
Intimacy is defined as....1. emotional warmth and closeness; 2. sexual relations; 3. something that is very personal and private — usually plural. Funny how sex gets brought into the equation even though the word intimacy was derived from the word intimate, which has nothing to do with sex. I have to laugh when Angelina and I shop at the "intimate apparel" section of a department store. LOL Actually, I can say with relative surety that sex that is intimate is the exception to the rule. Most people I know that have sex and/or love addictions (almost everyone), have never been addicted to intimate sex and love. Some may never have even experienced it. Pornography, Strip Clubs, Prostitution, Swinging, Obsession, Casual Sex, Fantasy Masturbation, Massage Parlors, etc. have nothing to do with intimacy. I don't judge any of it but these are the things people most often get addicted to. Not quality, intimate, sexual relationships.
The definition of intimate itself would foster a sense of self worth, connection and safety. These are exactly opposite of what someone that becomes addicted feels. As I experience deeper and deeper levels of emotional/sexual sobriety, I'm getting more and more in touch with what I've truly been longing for my whole life. A true sense of connection to myself and the world, self worth and a sense of safety in expressing my thoughts and feelings. Recently at a mixed 12 step meeting, I realized, as I heard the other men and women sharing their experience, strength and hope, that this deep, open, transparent fellowship had triggered a profound sense of oneness, which is beginning to fill the "love-shaped hole" that I've had as long as I can remember. This is the true polyintimacy I've been longing for.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Oh My God! I Swear To God, I think I'm Agnostic!! I'm just not sure.
This is crazy. I've been pursuing a belief in God since Catechism as a young boy. I became a born-again Christian when I was in middle school, spoke in tongues and was fully baptized too. I have been ministering since I was 11, speaking full time in churches since 1996 and was ordained in 2000. I have considered my deep belief in God to be the cornerstone of my philosophy.
Lately I've been questioning everything. I've been resonating more and more with Hinduism and Buddhism and less and less with any form of Christianity. The beautiful thing about New Thought is that it is such an open philosophy that even my new tangent can still wonderfully fit into the broader New Thought perspective. Whew, I almost lost my part-time job!!
For some reason, I looked up the word agnostic today and was blown away. I have thought for some time that the concept of God and the workings of Existence was too vast for our human thoughts and words. I have lately begun to believe that any book or talk on the subject must be, by its very nature, made up. This lead me to make up my own "spiritual teaching" based upon everything I have ever studied and strongly influenced by Angelina's philosophy that Free Will and Divine Order are mutually exclusive, combined with letting go of anything that did not offer me sustained, non-judgmental Peace. As many know, I call this new spirituality.....The Script.
Still, I have lots of confusion even within The Script. Did God create Life or was it our Egos like the Course in Miracles concludes? Do we have free will over our thoughts? How do I pray if I don't believe it has any physical effect? Who do I pray to if I don't believe in a Creator. OMG, I need not know any of this if I claim my agnosticism. Deep breath! Ahhhhhhhhh
Agnosticism is the view that the truth value of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—is unknown or unknowable. Well, that's exactly what I've been feeling for many months now. I used to think that religion was the problem but now it appears that fervent belief in the truth value of a certain religion is more like the problem. I even had a pretty heated discussion recently with a dear friend who is a Course in Miracles enthusiast. I take responsibility for my part AND it appears to me that the underlying challenge is that she believes that the CIM is true. Period! How many times have I had that same belief about my particular religion or spiritual/philosophical views, which only lead to separation?
The Dalai Lama states clearly..."we need to have many religions in order for every one's spiritual needs to be met". He didn't say "we need to find the one truth" or "Buddhism is right for everyone". I find Buddhism's lack of focus upon God or Supreme Being very enlightening because it focuses more upon the now and how to be the best we can be.
Like Atheism, New Thought and Buddhism, Agnosticism is not a religion but more of a spiritual philosophy. Religion usually has a deity or God/Creator. Buddhists generally do not believe in a Creator/God, an entity that is separate from, independent of, and superior to humans, but rather "a spiritual nature" as an intricately linked part of all things, and that we all have this nature often referred to a Buddha nature. This is similar to what is called "Christ consciousness" or "The I AM Presence" in new thought/new age philosophies. In 12-step recovery, this is often referred to as "Higher Power".
Agnostics can be divided into many categories. Here are a few I like:
Agnostic atheism
Agnostic atheists are atheistic because they do not have belief in the existence of any deity, and agnostic because they do not claim to know that a deity does not exist.
Agnostic theism
The view of those who do not claim to know of the existence of any deity, but still believe in such an existence.
Apathetic or pragmatic agnosticism
The view that there is no proof of either the existence or nonexistence of any deity, but since any deity that may exist appears unconcerned for the universe or the welfare of its inhabitants, the question is largely academic.
It appears that my best self description (for today. lol) is...."I'm a Pragmatic Agnostic, Buddhist, Scriptist. Funny thing is.....I feel less confused than ever. Angelina just reminded me that we also believe in the presence of the "angelic realm" which makes us just weird!!
Regardless of what or who you believe in. We believe in You. We believe in Love and we believe in Armand and Angelina. As always, I'm open to feedback and more awakening.
Lately I've been questioning everything. I've been resonating more and more with Hinduism and Buddhism and less and less with any form of Christianity. The beautiful thing about New Thought is that it is such an open philosophy that even my new tangent can still wonderfully fit into the broader New Thought perspective. Whew, I almost lost my part-time job!!
For some reason, I looked up the word agnostic today and was blown away. I have thought for some time that the concept of God and the workings of Existence was too vast for our human thoughts and words. I have lately begun to believe that any book or talk on the subject must be, by its very nature, made up. This lead me to make up my own "spiritual teaching" based upon everything I have ever studied and strongly influenced by Angelina's philosophy that Free Will and Divine Order are mutually exclusive, combined with letting go of anything that did not offer me sustained, non-judgmental Peace. As many know, I call this new spirituality.....The Script.
Still, I have lots of confusion even within The Script. Did God create Life or was it our Egos like the Course in Miracles concludes? Do we have free will over our thoughts? How do I pray if I don't believe it has any physical effect? Who do I pray to if I don't believe in a Creator. OMG, I need not know any of this if I claim my agnosticism. Deep breath! Ahhhhhhhhh
Agnosticism is the view that the truth value of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—is unknown or unknowable. Well, that's exactly what I've been feeling for many months now. I used to think that religion was the problem but now it appears that fervent belief in the truth value of a certain religion is more like the problem. I even had a pretty heated discussion recently with a dear friend who is a Course in Miracles enthusiast. I take responsibility for my part AND it appears to me that the underlying challenge is that she believes that the CIM is true. Period! How many times have I had that same belief about my particular religion or spiritual/philosophical views, which only lead to separation?
The Dalai Lama states clearly..."we need to have many religions in order for every one's spiritual needs to be met". He didn't say "we need to find the one truth" or "Buddhism is right for everyone". I find Buddhism's lack of focus upon God or Supreme Being very enlightening because it focuses more upon the now and how to be the best we can be.
Like Atheism, New Thought and Buddhism, Agnosticism is not a religion but more of a spiritual philosophy. Religion usually has a deity or God/Creator. Buddhists generally do not believe in a Creator/God, an entity that is separate from, independent of, and superior to humans, but rather "a spiritual nature" as an intricately linked part of all things, and that we all have this nature often referred to a Buddha nature. This is similar to what is called "Christ consciousness" or "The I AM Presence" in new thought/new age philosophies. In 12-step recovery, this is often referred to as "Higher Power".
Agnostics can be divided into many categories. Here are a few I like:
It appears that my best self description (for today. lol) is...."I'm a Pragmatic Agnostic, Buddhist, Scriptist. Funny thing is.....I feel less confused than ever. Angelina just reminded me that we also believe in the presence of the "angelic realm" which makes us just weird!!
Regardless of what or who you believe in. We believe in You. We believe in Love and we believe in Armand and Angelina. As always, I'm open to feedback and more awakening.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A 3D Experience...Desire, Disappointment and Destiny
Wow! I had no idea how 2 dimensional my world had been until I started experiencing 3D reality. Some of my peeps don't ever go to 3D movies because they find it unnerving and anxiety producing. I can totally relate and I guess that's why I never truly went here to this level. I do however love 3D on the big screen as long as my emotional/mental duality approves of the content. I'm defining 3D as fully embracing ALL of our emotions, thoughts, and physicality as they come up. I believe healthy children experience life in 3D. Unfortunately, many of us try to bypass 3D by way of pseudo-spirituality and mental gymnastics and end up having to go back and clean some things up. That's certainly been true and humbling for me.
For the last 2 months I've been really embracing "disappointment". Like most of us, my life has been "full of it". (pun intended) Still, I always managed to go back to 2D reality by repressing the accompanying feelings and refocusing upon something more hopeful. I still believe in refocusing but not until I've gotten the gift from the feelings.
In Buddhism it is said "desire leads to suffering". I'd like to make a distinction here. Desire without attachment has not necessarily lead to suffering. A symptom of desire with attachment would be "hunger". Today I desire an email or phone call from someone offering to pay us to perform. There will be no suffering involved no matter what because I am not hungry for the call or attached to it. Actually, that's not entirely true. If I get a call for something that excites me, I may get attached to its fruition which could lead to disappointment and suffering. Shit!!
There was so much suffering around our involvement with "Reality TV" (oxymoron) because we now realize that we were extremely attached to a perceived form of career advancement. Our former career was no longer fulfilling us financially or emotionally and all the career advancement that we so longed for did not materialize. Talk about disappointment! We have been living largely on savings for 2 months and that has been quite a learning expericnce too. This time, we are not running from the fear but making peace with the unknown. That is really new for us since we've been practicing and teaching financial abundance for many years and now don't seem to have as much.
This has been the most disappointment we have felt since our former musical partner split with us in 2003 and an ugly legal and emotional battle ensued. Of course I never full dealt with that until recently, either. LOL He continues to threaten legal action now and then but the emotional sting gets more and more benign as I take it less personally and deal with the anger as it shows up. Recently, I had a dream where I verbally and physically abused this man for all the pain I have felt. I don't want to be too graphic but let's just say that after I was done, I didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore and I was orgasmic. In the past I'd have pushed that away. Instead I allowed those angry parts to fully express in me and even did a physical exercise that made it more real. After it was over and I stopped screaming, I began to weep and I felt like I had finally validated an unowned part of me. I have felt better about him ever since and have found deeper levels of peace around the whole situation.
For the first time in my life, I'm embracing the 3D experience of life fully and this has brought me into some sort of depression.(I just took a depression test and the results say I scored a 63 out of a possible 100) I'm seeing this depression as a symptom of my former repression and that by facing everything head on, I can powerfully transform this temporary depression into a fully expressed 3D life experience.
I no longer believe that suffering is avoidable. That's not the same as saying we can't be free of it. I also don't believe that suffering is a sign of weakness. These perceptions kept me in a 2D reality. According to Buddhism, suffering can be caused by....desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Wow, that has described so much of my motivations with women and career. No wonder I've suffered so much. The good news is, by letting go of these motivations, suffering can be diminished. Maybe not avoided but certainly not invited.
What has been my spiritual foundation (since much of my previously desired life seemed to fall apart in September), has been my belief and commitment to the idea of Destiny. As long as I fully embrace the notion that everything happens for a divine purpose, I can keep attachment and judgment at bay. As long as I believe that everything is ultimately conspiring on my behalf, I can stay hopeful. As long as I see this whole experience as a movie with all characters, events and scenes being divinely orchestrated by LOVE, I feel peace and freedom.
I am also very enthusiastic about moving into a 4D experience that I believe is the natural progression on the other side of this 3D experience. Not where I pretend to be spiritual because I am afraid to be human, but where I allow deeper authentic spirituality to arise as a result of my being so fully human.
For the last 2 months I've been really embracing "disappointment". Like most of us, my life has been "full of it". (pun intended) Still, I always managed to go back to 2D reality by repressing the accompanying feelings and refocusing upon something more hopeful. I still believe in refocusing but not until I've gotten the gift from the feelings.
In Buddhism it is said "desire leads to suffering". I'd like to make a distinction here. Desire without attachment has not necessarily lead to suffering. A symptom of desire with attachment would be "hunger". Today I desire an email or phone call from someone offering to pay us to perform. There will be no suffering involved no matter what because I am not hungry for the call or attached to it. Actually, that's not entirely true. If I get a call for something that excites me, I may get attached to its fruition which could lead to disappointment and suffering. Shit!!
There was so much suffering around our involvement with "Reality TV" (oxymoron) because we now realize that we were extremely attached to a perceived form of career advancement. Our former career was no longer fulfilling us financially or emotionally and all the career advancement that we so longed for did not materialize. Talk about disappointment! We have been living largely on savings for 2 months and that has been quite a learning expericnce too. This time, we are not running from the fear but making peace with the unknown. That is really new for us since we've been practicing and teaching financial abundance for many years and now don't seem to have as much.
This has been the most disappointment we have felt since our former musical partner split with us in 2003 and an ugly legal and emotional battle ensued. Of course I never full dealt with that until recently, either. LOL He continues to threaten legal action now and then but the emotional sting gets more and more benign as I take it less personally and deal with the anger as it shows up. Recently, I had a dream where I verbally and physically abused this man for all the pain I have felt. I don't want to be too graphic but let's just say that after I was done, I didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore and I was orgasmic. In the past I'd have pushed that away. Instead I allowed those angry parts to fully express in me and even did a physical exercise that made it more real. After it was over and I stopped screaming, I began to weep and I felt like I had finally validated an unowned part of me. I have felt better about him ever since and have found deeper levels of peace around the whole situation.
For the first time in my life, I'm embracing the 3D experience of life fully and this has brought me into some sort of depression.(I just took a depression test and the results say I scored a 63 out of a possible 100) I'm seeing this depression as a symptom of my former repression and that by facing everything head on, I can powerfully transform this temporary depression into a fully expressed 3D life experience.
I no longer believe that suffering is avoidable. That's not the same as saying we can't be free of it. I also don't believe that suffering is a sign of weakness. These perceptions kept me in a 2D reality. According to Buddhism, suffering can be caused by....desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Wow, that has described so much of my motivations with women and career. No wonder I've suffered so much. The good news is, by letting go of these motivations, suffering can be diminished. Maybe not avoided but certainly not invited.
What has been my spiritual foundation (since much of my previously desired life seemed to fall apart in September), has been my belief and commitment to the idea of Destiny. As long as I fully embrace the notion that everything happens for a divine purpose, I can keep attachment and judgment at bay. As long as I believe that everything is ultimately conspiring on my behalf, I can stay hopeful. As long as I see this whole experience as a movie with all characters, events and scenes being divinely orchestrated by LOVE, I feel peace and freedom.
I am also very enthusiastic about moving into a 4D experience that I believe is the natural progression on the other side of this 3D experience. Not where I pretend to be spiritual because I am afraid to be human, but where I allow deeper authentic spirituality to arise as a result of my being so fully human.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Americans Unite!!!
The older I get, the less polar I find myself becoming. Most of my life, I have resonated more with the Democratic platform and as a result, have found myself often baffled by and judgmental of those who didn't. Most of the people in our lives are liberals too. Still, both Angelina's and my biological family are mostly conservative so in order to have an awesome relationship with them, I needed to open up a bit. A funny note...recently while spending a week with Angelina's parents, we joked to ourselves when each TV was tuned in to Bill. Bill O'Reilly downstairs and Bill Maher upstairs.
I have found myself more and more repelled by judgmental Liberals. Of course I've always been repelled by judgmental Conservatives. In the last few years, as I hit midlife, I find myself more and more relating to conservativism. Recently I met a man that I really resonated with and after many hours of talk, he said he was a Republican. I was like, "really, please tell me your political views". Well, after a few minutes it became clear that he was open minded and addressed each idea individually. He sounded more Red, White and Blue to me, which is what I've identified with for the last few years.
I guess what I'm feeling more and more is that these polar platforms are keeping us separate. Often, a choice in politics, lifestyle, diet etc is just an opportunity for superiority and judgment. This shows up in many ways like Vegetarian/Omnivore; Liberal/Conservative; Open relationship/Monogamy; Christian/non-Christian; Theist/Atheist; and the list goes on. Not to mention all the non-choice identities like Black/White; Gay/Straight; etc. It appears to me that we can usher in the new consciousness of acceptance and harmony most effectively when we embrace what Buddha calls "the middle path". This doesn't mean we can't promote what we believe in, but to fight for something that has a winner/loser dynamic seems ultimately ineffective.
I say "Americans Unite", add some conservative spice to your liberal soup. Loosen up your conservative belts. Have a meal with no animal products now and then. Open to the idea that humans may be omnivorous. Talk to someone in an open relationship with curiosity and respect. Think of monogamy as something other than a loss of freedom. Open up to the idea that God isn't religious. Open up to the idea that everything is energy and there may be no "supreme being".
I know this is radical but aren't we ready for some radical reform? What we've been doing certainly hasn't worked very well!!! Then again, maybe it's all been perfectly orchestrated to get us to where we are right now. 2012, here we come.!!
I have found myself more and more repelled by judgmental Liberals. Of course I've always been repelled by judgmental Conservatives. In the last few years, as I hit midlife, I find myself more and more relating to conservativism. Recently I met a man that I really resonated with and after many hours of talk, he said he was a Republican. I was like, "really, please tell me your political views". Well, after a few minutes it became clear that he was open minded and addressed each idea individually. He sounded more Red, White and Blue to me, which is what I've identified with for the last few years.
I guess what I'm feeling more and more is that these polar platforms are keeping us separate. Often, a choice in politics, lifestyle, diet etc is just an opportunity for superiority and judgment. This shows up in many ways like Vegetarian/Omnivore; Liberal/Conservative; Open relationship/Monogamy; Christian/non-Christian; Theist/Atheist; and the list goes on. Not to mention all the non-choice identities like Black/White; Gay/Straight; etc. It appears to me that we can usher in the new consciousness of acceptance and harmony most effectively when we embrace what Buddha calls "the middle path". This doesn't mean we can't promote what we believe in, but to fight for something that has a winner/loser dynamic seems ultimately ineffective.
I say "Americans Unite", add some conservative spice to your liberal soup. Loosen up your conservative belts. Have a meal with no animal products now and then. Open to the idea that humans may be omnivorous. Talk to someone in an open relationship with curiosity and respect. Think of monogamy as something other than a loss of freedom. Open up to the idea that God isn't religious. Open up to the idea that everything is energy and there may be no "supreme being".
I know this is radical but aren't we ready for some radical reform? What we've been doing certainly hasn't worked very well!!! Then again, maybe it's all been perfectly orchestrated to get us to where we are right now. 2012, here we come.!!
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