Today I Admit I Abused My Childhood Caretaker

For over 40 years, I have been working on understanding, healing and forgiving a female caretaker for what I have perceived as emotional, mental and physical abuse.  I have written songs about it, seen counselors and therapists, gone to retreats, attended intensives, meditated, prayed, written letters, gone to groups, talked to friends and family members, and have even given talks and sermons about it.  You name it, I have done it. Throughout the process, my understanding, healing and forgiveness have continually improved.  In December of 2012, I wrote my version of a Ho’oponopono letter to her and have since felt a karmic completion of that relationship.  She moved to Bali and we have not spoken since.  Before leaving, she wrote me a letter stating that she too feels complete with us.

Today while listening to Byron Katie lead a woman through a painful memory of childhood sexual abuse from her father, I realized for the first time how I had abused my caretaker.  This brought me to a deeper level of forgiveness for it allowed me to forgive myself more deeply for something that I knew intuitively but was never able to consciously admit.

Here’s my awareness.  Throughout all the abuse from this woman for over 40 years, there was one common denominator……my tolerance disguised as love.  No wonder I have had so much trouble letting this go, since a part of me needed to acknowledge my part in the whole dysfunctional relationship so I could fully forgive it all.  Each time I allowed the abuse and didn’t take care of myself, I enabled her to do and say things that were painful to us both.  This is not about blame, just acknowledging what really went on.  I am not responsible for, nor can I change anything about her.  What I am responsible for is how I view her, myself and the situation, and what my part was.   

Byron asked the woman, “Who do you believe hurt more, your father who was abusing you or you?”   The woman said that she believed that her father was in the most pain. This allowed her to have a compassion for him that she had never had.  I too believe that my caretaker had to feel great pain in order to do and say the things she said and did. 

Today I feel freer, lighter, more compassionate and more alive than I have ever felt around this story.  Thank you Byron Katie for creating The Work.  Thank you dear friends and supporters for helping me navigate these waters.  Most of all, thank you Life for continuing to show up perfectly and divinely in every moment.

Yes, I abused my childhood caretaker and I deeply apologize to myself, her and everyone ever involved in this painful story.