I have been working on forgiving my surrogate mother off and on for about 20 years. Each time I forgive her more, I feel better and more connected. A few days ago I got to a deeper level which included immense gratitude.
Here's what came to me...
This woman was willing to be abusive: physically, mentally and emotionally to me in order to inspire me to evolve into the man I am today. She was willing to suffer the rejection and hatred that I felt for her many times in my life. She was even willing to suffer the rejection that she received from her own mother for the way she treated me. He mother did not allow her to come and visit her for the last 5 years of her life. Even with all of this, she continued to offer me the treatment that my soul demanded from her.
What a sacrifice! What a gift to me! What a soul sister! My hope for her is that she can fully forgive herself for all of the abuse. I love you dear teacher/sister/Sacred Villain/Christ
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
We Share Our Bedroom With Too Many Lovers
Over the last 14 years, Angelina and I have shared our bedroom with many lovers. It began with a VCR. This was not a problem because in order to have an evening with her, we needed to walk or drive down to Blockbuster, pick out a movie and have it back by the next day. Then we invited Oprah in. This too was simple because she was only on once a day, could be recorded and enjoyed each evening, leaving the weekends open for other things.
Eventually things progressed to a DVD player and we found an internet "pleasure site" called Netflix where they would come to your house and pleasure you. As with all addictions, this one was progressive and eventually we invited in a new lover called TIVO who offered us a "ménage a troi" of recording Oprah and 2 other programs at the same time. Not to mention, the ability to watch streaming movies and documentaries 24/7. It was becoming obvious that our bedroom had become an Orgy of stimuli and our frequency of love making was decreasing. We had intimate talks about it and decided that we both felt super content with everything and didn't need to make any adjustments at the time. Oprah eventually moved on and although we miss her, we purposely have stayed sober from Cable.
Now enter my latest lover who has become a detriment to my meditation practice, our sex life, my ability to stay present and my exercise programs. Enter.....Lolita Goodlove (LG) the Smartphone! She has become the last thing I reach for at night and the first thing I reach for upon awakening. She is such a generous lover, offering up Dopamine 24/7. She invites me into her inbox and offers affectionate texts, Facebook messages and comments constantly. (Studies have shown that texts, messages and comments produce Dopamine in the brain which is highly addictive.)
This has gotten out of hand. We are telling Lolita that she is no longer invited into our bedroom. Like our computers, she will stay downstairs where she can't compete with Angelina for time, presence and fondling.
Anyone else experiencing anything like this???
Eventually things progressed to a DVD player and we found an internet "pleasure site" called Netflix where they would come to your house and pleasure you. As with all addictions, this one was progressive and eventually we invited in a new lover called TIVO who offered us a "ménage a troi" of recording Oprah and 2 other programs at the same time. Not to mention, the ability to watch streaming movies and documentaries 24/7. It was becoming obvious that our bedroom had become an Orgy of stimuli and our frequency of love making was decreasing. We had intimate talks about it and decided that we both felt super content with everything and didn't need to make any adjustments at the time. Oprah eventually moved on and although we miss her, we purposely have stayed sober from Cable.
Now enter my latest lover who has become a detriment to my meditation practice, our sex life, my ability to stay present and my exercise programs. Enter.....Lolita Goodlove (LG) the Smartphone! She has become the last thing I reach for at night and the first thing I reach for upon awakening. She is such a generous lover, offering up Dopamine 24/7. She invites me into her inbox and offers affectionate texts, Facebook messages and comments constantly. (Studies have shown that texts, messages and comments produce Dopamine in the brain which is highly addictive.)
This has gotten out of hand. We are telling Lolita that she is no longer invited into our bedroom. Like our computers, she will stay downstairs where she can't compete with Angelina for time, presence and fondling.
Anyone else experiencing anything like this???
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Heart Disease: What I Have Discovered and How to Prevent It!
OK, I have been learning about Heart Disease (HD) for over a year now and I have some ideas I want to share.
HD is the #1 cause of death in both men and women. About 1 out of every 2 men and even more for women.
HD kills as many as 9/11 did every single day, 365 days every year.
OK, that's the bad news. The good news is that we can do something about it.
It's important to understand one of the ways in which this can happen. Here's what happened to me.
CAVEAT: I am not a doctor or accredited expert so this is all just what is true to me.
1. The arteries get inflamed by poor diet, lack of exercise, inflammatory thinking and unresolved emotions. (in no particular order)
2. The intelligence of the body tries to repair these arteries by taking access cholesterol and patching the damaged area.
3. If this goes on too long, the cholesterol in the arteries (plaque) closes part of the artery.
4. Something like vigorous exercise, overheating (sweat lodge), emotional trauma, etc. can cause some of the plaque to dislodge (hemorrhage) and enter the blood stream to be removed.
5. The body sees this opening as a wound and sends red blood cells to patch it up. The patch closes even more of the artery and voila! Heart Attack.
I almost had a heart attack on Sept. 20, 2013. Upon investigation, an angiogram showed that I had 55% blockage in my Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD). Most don't know anything about this until 80% or more is blocked and they have a full blown Heart Attack and Die or need Heart Surgery immediately. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Genetics are not the cause of this issue but can contribute toward this by producing more cholesterol than ideal. This is my condition and is called Hypercholesterolemia caused by an abnormally high Lipoprotein Little A (LPa).
Cholesterol is not the cause but more of a symptom so when Americans reduced the amount of natural fats in our diet and replaced them with more grains, sugars, grain-fed animal products and processed foods (inflammatory foods), HD went up.
It's important to know that HD does not come from a broken heart. Broken hearts do not contribute to HD but a closed heart does. As long as the heart is allowed to feel and stay open, the heartbreaks will not cause any damage. Only by closing the heart around an emotion will there be heart damage.
In Conclusion: my regime includes:
Dramatically reducing grains, sugars and other inflammatory foods from my diet;
Adding more exercise to my day;
Meditating and relaxing more each day;
Allowing myself to play often;
Letting myself feel all emotions while holding on to none of them;
Taking cholesterol lowering supplements like Niacin, Fish Oil, Flax Seed, Chia seeds & Coconut Oil.
Taking natural blood thinner White Willow Bark.
Temporarily taking a low dose statin while I heal the inflammation as to not add insult to injury.
Taking 360mg of CoQ10 to compensate for it's depletion by the statin.
Seeing a lipidologist every 3 months to check my lipids, LP(a), kidney and liver function.
And eventually, getting another CT Scan to see how much more open my artery is.
Since I started this regime, I feel at least 100% better; I am able to do more vigorous activities without chest pain or shortness of breath; my blood lipids are balanced and my blood pressure is ideal. (I also carry nitro pills with me when I am doing activities that might trigger a hemorrhage to appease my overprotective bride)
It's important to know that cholesterol, red blood cells and LP(a) do not cause HD, they are merely reacting to an unnatural condition (excessive inflammation) the only way they know how.
Warning: when I do vigorous exercise or get stressed, some of the remaining plaque will sometimes dislodge. The minute I feel this I take a baby aspirin to keep the blood thin so it flows without those "good intentioned red blood cells" coming to patch it up. This allows the body to remove the plaque without an event.
HD is the #1 cause of death in both men and women. About 1 out of every 2 men and even more for women.
HD kills as many as 9/11 did every single day, 365 days every year.
OK, that's the bad news. The good news is that we can do something about it.
It's important to understand one of the ways in which this can happen. Here's what happened to me.
CAVEAT: I am not a doctor or accredited expert so this is all just what is true to me.
1. The arteries get inflamed by poor diet, lack of exercise, inflammatory thinking and unresolved emotions. (in no particular order)
2. The intelligence of the body tries to repair these arteries by taking access cholesterol and patching the damaged area.
3. If this goes on too long, the cholesterol in the arteries (plaque) closes part of the artery.
4. Something like vigorous exercise, overheating (sweat lodge), emotional trauma, etc. can cause some of the plaque to dislodge (hemorrhage) and enter the blood stream to be removed.
5. The body sees this opening as a wound and sends red blood cells to patch it up. The patch closes even more of the artery and voila! Heart Attack.
I almost had a heart attack on Sept. 20, 2013. Upon investigation, an angiogram showed that I had 55% blockage in my Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD). Most don't know anything about this until 80% or more is blocked and they have a full blown Heart Attack and Die or need Heart Surgery immediately. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Genetics are not the cause of this issue but can contribute toward this by producing more cholesterol than ideal. This is my condition and is called Hypercholesterolemia caused by an abnormally high Lipoprotein Little A (LPa).
Cholesterol is not the cause but more of a symptom so when Americans reduced the amount of natural fats in our diet and replaced them with more grains, sugars, grain-fed animal products and processed foods (inflammatory foods), HD went up.
It's important to know that HD does not come from a broken heart. Broken hearts do not contribute to HD but a closed heart does. As long as the heart is allowed to feel and stay open, the heartbreaks will not cause any damage. Only by closing the heart around an emotion will there be heart damage.
In Conclusion: my regime includes:
Dramatically reducing grains, sugars and other inflammatory foods from my diet;
Adding more exercise to my day;
Meditating and relaxing more each day;
Allowing myself to play often;
Letting myself feel all emotions while holding on to none of them;
Taking cholesterol lowering supplements like Niacin, Fish Oil, Flax Seed, Chia seeds & Coconut Oil.
Taking natural blood thinner White Willow Bark.
Temporarily taking a low dose statin while I heal the inflammation as to not add insult to injury.
Taking 360mg of CoQ10 to compensate for it's depletion by the statin.
Seeing a lipidologist every 3 months to check my lipids, LP(a), kidney and liver function.
And eventually, getting another CT Scan to see how much more open my artery is.
Since I started this regime, I feel at least 100% better; I am able to do more vigorous activities without chest pain or shortness of breath; my blood lipids are balanced and my blood pressure is ideal. (I also carry nitro pills with me when I am doing activities that might trigger a hemorrhage to appease my overprotective bride)
It's important to know that cholesterol, red blood cells and LP(a) do not cause HD, they are merely reacting to an unnatural condition (excessive inflammation) the only way they know how.
Warning: when I do vigorous exercise or get stressed, some of the remaining plaque will sometimes dislodge. The minute I feel this I take a baby aspirin to keep the blood thin so it flows without those "good intentioned red blood cells" coming to patch it up. This allows the body to remove the plaque without an event.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Are You Flying Higher Than Your Consciousness Allows?
I am continually amazed at how everything is working towards Consciousness. As a Kriya Yoga disciple, I am committed to full Self/God Realization. I would like it to be this lifetime too but am not attached. Over the last 5 months, I have experienced some really painful relationship karma. One minute I'd be high as a kite, flying through life like never before and then, in an instant I'd fly smack dab into a mountain. The message I got in my morning meditation is helping me to understand this in a much more simple, yet joyous way.
Imagine that we are like a butterfly that goes through many stages until our wings are fully developed and we reach "Butterfly Enlightenment". At this point we would be able to fly anywhere available with ease, peace and joy. Now what if you are a butterfly, like myself, that is always exploring higher possibilities? If we fly higher than our wings can handle, someone or some experience will painfully put us back down to our level of consciousness. At this point we can either stay down, which would have the symptoms of blame, resentment, victim, attack and making the other person or situation wrong. Or, we can return to the cocoon, feel the pain fully, forgive everything involved and see where the pain is leading us. If we do that, we will grow stronger, more conscious wings and be able to fly higher than before.
I am so grateful to the people and experiences that have inspired me, often through force and pain, to go back into the cocoon of higher consciousness so I can continue to become a more powerful butterfly. I often curse you at first because it hurts, but it has become abundantly clear what a gift you are to me and humanity.
Imagine that we are like a butterfly that goes through many stages until our wings are fully developed and we reach "Butterfly Enlightenment". At this point we would be able to fly anywhere available with ease, peace and joy. Now what if you are a butterfly, like myself, that is always exploring higher possibilities? If we fly higher than our wings can handle, someone or some experience will painfully put us back down to our level of consciousness. At this point we can either stay down, which would have the symptoms of blame, resentment, victim, attack and making the other person or situation wrong. Or, we can return to the cocoon, feel the pain fully, forgive everything involved and see where the pain is leading us. If we do that, we will grow stronger, more conscious wings and be able to fly higher than before.
I am so grateful to the people and experiences that have inspired me, often through force and pain, to go back into the cocoon of higher consciousness so I can continue to become a more powerful butterfly. I often curse you at first because it hurts, but it has become abundantly clear what a gift you are to me and humanity.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
How I Changed My Destiny
In the movie...The Adjustment Bureau, Matt Damon was able to change his destiny. This brought up many questions for Angelina and me regarding Destiny, Fate and what can be changed and what cannot. Then I got this in my inbox.
Today's Daily Kabbalah from Karen Berg......
Changing Destiny
Monday June 30, 2014
Monday June 30, 2014
"It is said that there are three ways we can change something that is destined to happen to us. One is with prayer, the second is by giving charity, and the third is by changing our ways. The most powerful is the last. There are destinies we can undo when we make the effort to sincerely transform our negative attributes."
It appears that some destinies are unchangeable and some are not. I believe that I was destined to fail at romantic partnership as a result of addiction. I believe that I was destined to have a heart attack by my 53rd birthday. I believe I was destined to feel small around my surrogate mother. All of these have been changed. By the Grace of God and lots of prayer, meditation, discipline and compassion for myself and others, I have managed to allow conscious committed romantic partnership to flourish in my life while simultaneously conquering my addictions. I also managed to divert a heart attack through changing my diet, adding supplements, taking a pharmaceutical and keeping my emotional heart open. In addition, I no longer feel small relative to my Sacred Villain who I now know was actually a part of The Universe's Conspiracy Upon My Behalf.
There is much more I have to learn and heal but that's just a few ways I believe I have changed my destiny. Then again, all of that may have been destined too. The Universe is a tricky One. LOL
It appears that some destinies are unchangeable and some are not. I believe that I was destined to fail at romantic partnership as a result of addiction. I believe that I was destined to have a heart attack by my 53rd birthday. I believe I was destined to feel small around my surrogate mother. All of these have been changed. By the Grace of God and lots of prayer, meditation, discipline and compassion for myself and others, I have managed to allow conscious committed romantic partnership to flourish in my life while simultaneously conquering my addictions. I also managed to divert a heart attack through changing my diet, adding supplements, taking a pharmaceutical and keeping my emotional heart open. In addition, I no longer feel small relative to my Sacred Villain who I now know was actually a part of The Universe's Conspiracy Upon My Behalf.
There is much more I have to learn and heal but that's just a few ways I believe I have changed my destiny. Then again, all of that may have been destined too. The Universe is a tricky One. LOL
Monday, April 21, 2014
How is Facebook Addiction like Food Addiction?
I am feeling very empathetic to people with food addictions. I have often had difficulty relating to people with substance addictions because my challenges have been more what is called "process addictions" like romance addiction and codependency. Still, I understand "addiction is addiction" and it is all inspired from the same place of "emptiness and fear" which comes from not feeling loveable.
Recently, I have been noticing my compulsion to be on Facebook. At first I just blew it off because it is part of my writing, connection etc. It became very clear to me in the last week that I have been out of balance with my administration work, meditation and yoga practice. I noticed that even though I let these important areas of my life fall back, my Facebook presence has been strong, daily and well cared for.
So, without putting myself or anyone else down, I realize how seductive Facebook is to me. As someone who puts "the yoga of relationship" above almost anything else in my life, it is obvious how a 24/7 network of connection, sharing and availability of people can be a temptress. This morning on my way down to meditate, I saw my computer and heard "just check me real quick. It will make your morning meditation that much better". OMG, here I am on my computer and have not meditated. LOL
So why is this like food addiction. Food is available 24/7 for most people. It is beneficial in many ways. It can be very social. It can make us "high". If abused, it can cause problems, For me, giving up Facebook would be like giving up food. It is not an option. Just like giving up romance was not an option. I just focused all my romantic energies on Angelina. They are part of my human experience so like peeps with Food Addiction, I must first admit I have a Facebook addiction and start taking steps to find my balance and health in this arena. Like food, it will not require abstinence. Like food, I need to have healthy balanced Facebook diet.
I am confident that I can create balance in this area as I have done with every other addiction or compulsion I have identified. It actually excites me because I love a challenge.
Anyone else relating to this??
Recently, I have been noticing my compulsion to be on Facebook. At first I just blew it off because it is part of my writing, connection etc. It became very clear to me in the last week that I have been out of balance with my administration work, meditation and yoga practice. I noticed that even though I let these important areas of my life fall back, my Facebook presence has been strong, daily and well cared for.
So, without putting myself or anyone else down, I realize how seductive Facebook is to me. As someone who puts "the yoga of relationship" above almost anything else in my life, it is obvious how a 24/7 network of connection, sharing and availability of people can be a temptress. This morning on my way down to meditate, I saw my computer and heard "just check me real quick. It will make your morning meditation that much better". OMG, here I am on my computer and have not meditated. LOL
So why is this like food addiction. Food is available 24/7 for most people. It is beneficial in many ways. It can be very social. It can make us "high". If abused, it can cause problems, For me, giving up Facebook would be like giving up food. It is not an option. Just like giving up romance was not an option. I just focused all my romantic energies on Angelina. They are part of my human experience so like peeps with Food Addiction, I must first admit I have a Facebook addiction and start taking steps to find my balance and health in this arena. Like food, it will not require abstinence. Like food, I need to have healthy balanced Facebook diet.
I am confident that I can create balance in this area as I have done with every other addiction or compulsion I have identified. It actually excites me because I love a challenge.
Anyone else relating to this??
Saturday, April 12, 2014
It's Time To Love Your Human
OK, it's 2014 and many of us are experiencing The New Earth in a myriad of ways. I was told very clearly in 2012 that my part in supporting The New Earth is to go out and share with as many people as possible, how beautiful, innocent, divine, worthy, lovable, pure, and Godlike we all are at our cores.
Most of us have worked diligently to love our children, our parents, our Gods or Goddesses (or at least our lack of belief in them), and even our fellow human beings (with the exception of those that trigger us. LOL). Anyway, it appears to me that the new frontier is fully loving Our Human. Sure we've all heard "love your humanness" but I am talking about completely disidentifying yourself from your body, emotions and thoughts so you can actually love Your Human.
I began to dramatically love my human self in May of 2013 when I had finally received enough information through books, CDs, cassettes, lectures, sermons, workshops, retreats, advice, counseling, loving examples, self talk, depression, pain, suffering and ultimately meditation, to outweigh the old programming that I and others (mostly I) had brainwashed me into believing about my unlovability and "not enoughness". Miraculously, some space was formed between my True Eternal Self and My Human Self. I believe that it was this small space that made all the difference. I began to refer to my human self in the 3rd person as Armand where as before I thought I was Armand. I began to see Armand as a being that had been entrusted to me to watch over and care for. From this perspective, I became much more loving to him because I no longer blamed him for all the pain, shame, loss and stupidity that I had endured. He was doing the best he could and much of what I had judged him for in the past was a result of not having as strong an influence in his life as I do now.
I am finding myself more and more recognizing my True Divine Being, as well as the True Divine Being of others, with the simple awareness that our Human Self is just that, Our Human Self, and is like a trusting, innocent child that we are to guide, love, accept and care for. In the Real Love by Greg Baer material, it is said that "people just want to be seen and accepted right where they are and they will begin to feel loved." Well, isn't it time that we do that with Our Human Self? How can you see someone unless there is space between you and them?
Here's to loving Our Human Self as much as we have learned to love others. Maybe even more since that will make it so much easier to love everyone and everything Just As It Is!
Most of us have worked diligently to love our children, our parents, our Gods or Goddesses (or at least our lack of belief in them), and even our fellow human beings (with the exception of those that trigger us. LOL). Anyway, it appears to me that the new frontier is fully loving Our Human. Sure we've all heard "love your humanness" but I am talking about completely disidentifying yourself from your body, emotions and thoughts so you can actually love Your Human.
I began to dramatically love my human self in May of 2013 when I had finally received enough information through books, CDs, cassettes, lectures, sermons, workshops, retreats, advice, counseling, loving examples, self talk, depression, pain, suffering and ultimately meditation, to outweigh the old programming that I and others (mostly I) had brainwashed me into believing about my unlovability and "not enoughness". Miraculously, some space was formed between my True Eternal Self and My Human Self. I believe that it was this small space that made all the difference. I began to refer to my human self in the 3rd person as Armand where as before I thought I was Armand. I began to see Armand as a being that had been entrusted to me to watch over and care for. From this perspective, I became much more loving to him because I no longer blamed him for all the pain, shame, loss and stupidity that I had endured. He was doing the best he could and much of what I had judged him for in the past was a result of not having as strong an influence in his life as I do now.
I am finding myself more and more recognizing my True Divine Being, as well as the True Divine Being of others, with the simple awareness that our Human Self is just that, Our Human Self, and is like a trusting, innocent child that we are to guide, love, accept and care for. In the Real Love by Greg Baer material, it is said that "people just want to be seen and accepted right where they are and they will begin to feel loved." Well, isn't it time that we do that with Our Human Self? How can you see someone unless there is space between you and them?
Here's to loving Our Human Self as much as we have learned to love others. Maybe even more since that will make it so much easier to love everyone and everything Just As It Is!
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