The concept of GOD is becoming more and more difficult for me to grasp these days. What is this illusive concept? Is it a being? Is it an energy? Why does it cause so many problems and wars? I let go of the idea that GOD was a separate being years ago, yet I still find myself thanking GOD now and then with confusion. I also know that atheists and other non-GOD-believers don't resonate with this concept. Is there a universal principle that runs through all religions and spiritual beliefs that even atheists can relate to?
In the 12-step programs they refer to GOD as "Higher Power". This really resonates with me, because even though it is very apparent that much of this earth experience seems devoid of "Higher Power", there is still so much going on that appears to be "Higher Power" influenced. If GOD is ALL, then GOD must not be here because much of what I see and experience is far from what I would imagine GOD to be. However, if "Higher Power" is that part of us that knows and experiences Oneness, then this would always be present even when not being experienced. When I see and hear of the tragedies around the world, I don't feel that GOD made it happen or is a part of it. I do however see that "our recognition of our oneness" can heal it all. In other words, the truth of who we are, one with a "Higher Power" that unites us all, is always present within, even when we don't experience it without.
Still, "Higher Power" seems a bit esoteric for me and I hunger for something more palatable. What is a synonym for "our recognition of our oneness"? What about LOVE? For me the concept of LOVE is more universal and easier to digest. Thank you LOVE for helping me to see things in a new way. Thank you LOVE for inspiring forgiveness of myself and everyone. Thank you LOVE for guiding me towards that which will allow me to be fully self-expressed. Thank you LOVE for bringing Angelina and me together. Thank you LOVE for my painful emotions that guide me away from certain individuals and experiences and towards others. Thank you LOVE for this current "Divine Discontent" that is opening me to new possibilities. Thank you LOVE for inspiring gratitude for what I have vs. thanking GOD for my blessings. As long as we give GOD credit for some things, we may subconsciously blame GOD for others. However, when we thank LOVE for peace, compassion and understanding, we know it's just lack of "feeling" LOVE that prevents us from having them. Hatred and war will then not be seen as the opposite of LOVE, but as symptoms of a disconnection from one's Higher Power/LOVE resulting in a lack of feeling LOVE. This brings "Higher Power/GOD/Spirit" home and not off is some far-away Heaven.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Fantasy, Pink Clouds, Romance and other Drugs!!
This is a powerful subject for me. To do this topic justice, I'll need to share a bit of my history in "Dick and Jane" style. I was born into a wonderful, middle class family in the early 60's. When I was 3, Mom had an affair with an alcoholic. Dad found out. Dad left mom. Dad took all 4 kids and demonized Mom. Older Sister became surrogate mother to me. Mom married alcoholic. My Heaven turned to Hell! Eventually moved back with mom and new husband. New husband was abusive. Mom threw husband out. Husband ate barrel of pistol and blew his head off. And we all lived happily ever after.....NOT!
I learned early on that life was not warm and stable but through my imagination, anything was possible. Rather than face a life of disappointment, I imagined I was OK seeing mom only occassionally. I imagined that my sister's punishments were good for me because she loved me (gotta love that one). I imagined that it was OK for Dad to not forgive Mom. I imagined that stepfather's physical abuse of Mom and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. I imagined Dad's physical abuse of Sister and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. (Plus she deserved it. LOL) I learned that life was more bearable if I spent much of my time day-dreaming and imagining that I was happy. That was the start of a condition called "Fantasy Addiction" or in more common terms....."artist".
When I was 10, I met a school girl under a dock and kissed her on the lips for a few seconds. That was the first time that I had a physical pleasure that matched my imagination. I wanted to do it all day and she finally pulled away (I am French and Italian you know). Long story short....I spent the next 40 years chasing that "high". I heard that crack cocaine and crystal meth have similar effects upon many first time users. This "high" had a big advantage/disadvantage though.....it was legal, condoned and free (well not really in the big picture).
Since I was not Hugh Hefner and able to be with new women constantly, I found other ways to get "high". Somehow Mom's abuse of alcohol, cigarettes and sex caused me to rebel against any type of substance use. That created a righteousness about substances that helped mask other addictive behaviour that was less obvious. I developed "process addictions". Things like addiction to control, spiritual righteousness, work, love, and all sorts of intrigue. (still working on the control thing)
I was always diving into some new romance whether physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. It didn't matter the form. As long as I could escape deeply into the process, I was OK for a while. Some examples were: performing in rock bands; Spiritual teachings; workshops; self help books (I was once told by a lover in 1991 that I had Wayne Dyerrhea lol); speaking at churches; being a youth leader; and most recently....12 step recovery.
It usually took about 9-18 months before the "buzz" would wear off and then I was in need of a "new drug" (ie. Huey Lewis song). This is often called "New Relationship Energy" and it's highly addictive. It's been proven scientifically that in early romance, the brain emits endorphens like oxcitosin and other drugs that produce euphoria. It is said that this is to ensure the propogation of the species and creativity. More often it just propogates addiction, affairs, social diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, everyone has a natural joy when they are into something new and exciting. Unfortunately for a Fantasy Addict, it feels like a matter of life and death. The need for the intoxication becomes a driving force vs a pure and natural enjoyment of the "high".
In romantic relationships (my specialty), this intoxication is especially dangerous and destructive because it inspires people to do things with others that a sober person would never do. I am always a bit apprehensive when I hear...."I just met the person of my dreams and we are planning to get married soon". I find it extremely unwise and immature to make big purchases or investments when intoxicated. It tells me that most likely, there is pain avoidance going on AND when the "buzz" wears off, there will be more pain. Still, most people are completely unaware of how "drunk out of their minds" they are when they fall in love with someone. There brain is wired to say..."this is real. I've never felt like this before. he's/she's the one." (I've only felt that 100 times so it must be true. Ha.)
I believe that it takes as much as 3 years for sanity and sobriety to return to a couple in love (maybe less if you are over 50) and I would recommend that people allow that much time before making big decisions. This would have saved me and others much pain and disappointment, including, but not limited to: failed marriages,loss of health, painful divorces, loss of property, emotionally distraught children, etc. By the way, I did not use this information with Angelina. After only 9 months, I had moved in and we were building our life together. (well, 13's the charm) I do know that had we waited, we'd still be together. I never heard of two matched people breaking up because they waited a few years to get married or make big investments. I have however heard hundreds of horror stories by people who wished they had waited. (can you say "most people's first marriages"?)
So here I am, diving deeply into 12 step recovery, having as many as 4 meetings a day, putting off work to be more available for my recovery and healing, and feeling a certain "high" from it all. In recovery it's called "the Pink Cloud". For me it's become a bit of "damage control" or "the lesser of two evils". Whatever I need to do right now that will support complete sobriety from any form of "love or romance fantasy" is ultimately good for me. Sure it would be more balanced to work recovery into a healthy life but that's not my addictive style. LOL Today I celebrate 30 days of my new sobriety and I'm excited to see if I can find balance and happiness when the Pink Cloud wears off. My hope and belief is that by facing the grief and fear that I so often avoided with fantasy, I will heal the lies that created the condition in the first place. I'll keep you posted.
**unfortunately, many people were harmed in the making of this story. Mostly myself.
I learned early on that life was not warm and stable but through my imagination, anything was possible. Rather than face a life of disappointment, I imagined I was OK seeing mom only occassionally. I imagined that my sister's punishments were good for me because she loved me (gotta love that one). I imagined that it was OK for Dad to not forgive Mom. I imagined that stepfather's physical abuse of Mom and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. I imagined Dad's physical abuse of Sister and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. (Plus she deserved it. LOL) I learned that life was more bearable if I spent much of my time day-dreaming and imagining that I was happy. That was the start of a condition called "Fantasy Addiction" or in more common terms....."artist".
When I was 10, I met a school girl under a dock and kissed her on the lips for a few seconds. That was the first time that I had a physical pleasure that matched my imagination. I wanted to do it all day and she finally pulled away (I am French and Italian you know). Long story short....I spent the next 40 years chasing that "high". I heard that crack cocaine and crystal meth have similar effects upon many first time users. This "high" had a big advantage/disadvantage though.....it was legal, condoned and free (well not really in the big picture).
Since I was not Hugh Hefner and able to be with new women constantly, I found other ways to get "high". Somehow Mom's abuse of alcohol, cigarettes and sex caused me to rebel against any type of substance use. That created a righteousness about substances that helped mask other addictive behaviour that was less obvious. I developed "process addictions". Things like addiction to control, spiritual righteousness, work, love, and all sorts of intrigue. (still working on the control thing)
I was always diving into some new romance whether physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. It didn't matter the form. As long as I could escape deeply into the process, I was OK for a while. Some examples were: performing in rock bands; Spiritual teachings; workshops; self help books (I was once told by a lover in 1991 that I had Wayne Dyerrhea lol); speaking at churches; being a youth leader; and most recently....12 step recovery.
It usually took about 9-18 months before the "buzz" would wear off and then I was in need of a "new drug" (ie. Huey Lewis song). This is often called "New Relationship Energy" and it's highly addictive. It's been proven scientifically that in early romance, the brain emits endorphens like oxcitosin and other drugs that produce euphoria. It is said that this is to ensure the propogation of the species and creativity. More often it just propogates addiction, affairs, social diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, everyone has a natural joy when they are into something new and exciting. Unfortunately for a Fantasy Addict, it feels like a matter of life and death. The need for the intoxication becomes a driving force vs a pure and natural enjoyment of the "high".
In romantic relationships (my specialty), this intoxication is especially dangerous and destructive because it inspires people to do things with others that a sober person would never do. I am always a bit apprehensive when I hear...."I just met the person of my dreams and we are planning to get married soon". I find it extremely unwise and immature to make big purchases or investments when intoxicated. It tells me that most likely, there is pain avoidance going on AND when the "buzz" wears off, there will be more pain. Still, most people are completely unaware of how "drunk out of their minds" they are when they fall in love with someone. There brain is wired to say..."this is real. I've never felt like this before. he's/she's the one." (I've only felt that 100 times so it must be true. Ha.)
I believe that it takes as much as 3 years for sanity and sobriety to return to a couple in love (maybe less if you are over 50) and I would recommend that people allow that much time before making big decisions. This would have saved me and others much pain and disappointment, including, but not limited to: failed marriages,loss of health, painful divorces, loss of property, emotionally distraught children, etc. By the way, I did not use this information with Angelina. After only 9 months, I had moved in and we were building our life together. (well, 13's the charm) I do know that had we waited, we'd still be together. I never heard of two matched people breaking up because they waited a few years to get married or make big investments. I have however heard hundreds of horror stories by people who wished they had waited. (can you say "most people's first marriages"?)
So here I am, diving deeply into 12 step recovery, having as many as 4 meetings a day, putting off work to be more available for my recovery and healing, and feeling a certain "high" from it all. In recovery it's called "the Pink Cloud". For me it's become a bit of "damage control" or "the lesser of two evils". Whatever I need to do right now that will support complete sobriety from any form of "love or romance fantasy" is ultimately good for me. Sure it would be more balanced to work recovery into a healthy life but that's not my addictive style. LOL Today I celebrate 30 days of my new sobriety and I'm excited to see if I can find balance and happiness when the Pink Cloud wears off. My hope and belief is that by facing the grief and fear that I so often avoided with fantasy, I will heal the lies that created the condition in the first place. I'll keep you posted.
**unfortunately, many people were harmed in the making of this story. Mostly myself.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fear-the emotion vs Fear-the thought
Obviously this is up for me these days. LOL In an earlier post I made peace with the emotion of fear and had many find that impossible to relate to. In my efforts to learn as much as possible, anything that will make this journey more fun for me and others, I inquired within and without for some answers.
The ideas of False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything is All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship all seem more valid when talking about "fearful thoughts" or "fears" vs the emotion of fear. While the emotion is merely our guidance system alerting us, fearful thoughts are mostly lies made up or believed by our egos that inspire us to feel small, weak, insecure and separate. In many Christian traditions, this would be called "satan" or "the devil". While I differ on synonyms, I completely agree with the sentiment and feel that these "fearful thoughts" when unsubstantiated, need to be reprogrammed and/or eliminated.
Sometimes it's as simple as replacing them with a truth. Sometimes it takes facing them and proving to ourselves that they are false. Numbing out with obsessions/compulsions etc. only really keeps us from feeling the "symptoms of fear" and keeps us in the "thought prison" even more. In my case, I was not able to just replace them or face them fully until I abstained from certain behaviours that I had been using for 47 years, (mainly fantasy), and started dealing with the feelings I was avoiding. I'm not there yet for sure. I believe that underneath most, if not all suffering is merely a bunch of lies and I commit my life to exposing these lies in myself and others.
In closing....it appears that the emotion of fear is our friend and "nonfactual fearful thoughts" are our foes.
The ideas of False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything is All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship all seem more valid when talking about "fearful thoughts" or "fears" vs the emotion of fear. While the emotion is merely our guidance system alerting us, fearful thoughts are mostly lies made up or believed by our egos that inspire us to feel small, weak, insecure and separate. In many Christian traditions, this would be called "satan" or "the devil". While I differ on synonyms, I completely agree with the sentiment and feel that these "fearful thoughts" when unsubstantiated, need to be reprogrammed and/or eliminated.
Sometimes it's as simple as replacing them with a truth. Sometimes it takes facing them and proving to ourselves that they are false. Numbing out with obsessions/compulsions etc. only really keeps us from feeling the "symptoms of fear" and keeps us in the "thought prison" even more. In my case, I was not able to just replace them or face them fully until I abstained from certain behaviours that I had been using for 47 years, (mainly fantasy), and started dealing with the feelings I was avoiding. I'm not there yet for sure. I believe that underneath most, if not all suffering is merely a bunch of lies and I commit my life to exposing these lies in myself and others.
In closing....it appears that the emotion of fear is our friend and "nonfactual fearful thoughts" are our foes.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
FEAR.....Friend, Foe or 4-letter Word??
A few days ago, a childhood love of mine opened my mind a bit. In the world at large, fear is considered the enemy. Something to vanquish and overcome. We've been told "There's nothing to fear but fear itself". It's said to stand for False Evidence Appearing Real; Forgetting Everything's All Right; and Feeling Empty After Relationship. All of those catchy phrases imply that fear is an illusion or lie. A lie is a thought or a collection of words. Fear, on the other hand is an emotion. I have been so afraid to face that emotion, that I have built facade after facade to avoid it. I believed that feeling fear was a sign of weakness. I now feel that it takes more courage to face it than to hide from it. I'm starting to believe that like all things, we have not been told the whole truth about fear and may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
Here's a few definitions: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat; a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psychophysiological responses to a real external threat or danger, including agitation, alertness, tension, and mobilization of the alarm reaction.
I'm starting to see that fear, like all things, is not positive or negative but may be harmful or useful depending upon the situation and how it's used. It also seems that much depends upon whether or not the fear is real or imagined. Abraham, as channeled through Esther Hicks says "your emotions are your guidance system", so how can any part of your guidance system be bad?? So, where fear is concerned, if you feel it, you are either making up something that is not real, in which case, changing your thoughts and beliefs will alleviate the fear. Or you are recognizing a real threat (something you don't want) and are being guided to take appropriate actions. So, we can be plagued by fear or inspired by it. Example...if Angelina believes that because of my past, I will eventually leave her for another woman(which she has thought many times in the past), she will feel a distressing emotion, based upon an imagined result, guiding her to trust me more and ask for support. If I believe that Angelina will leave me if I do not treat her like the goddess she is, while devoting my life and body to her, I will feel a distressing emotion, based upon a fact, guiding me to commit to doing whatever it takes to meet her needs and desires. Pretty simple huh?
Here's another def; to have a reverential awe. Wow, reverential. I have developed that definition for the fear I have for addiction. I am in sheer awe of it's power over me and what it takes to stay sober. I guess I could say "I'm in such fear of loss of personal freedom and power, that I abstain from my addiction." I am grateful to fear for inspiring me to change my beliefs and/or take appropriate, fear alleviating action.
So for anyone that likes simple analogies like I, fear is like an alarm, when it goes off, don't build a sound-proof room around it. Don't break it. Don't pretend it isn't going off. Don't go get high so you don't hear it. Don't beat yourself up for having it. Instead, feel it, ask for the gift, take appropriate action or change your thoughts and allow it to silence on it's own. This is my journey right now. I am tearing down the sound-proof room, making friends with it, staying sober and lovingly accepting that I have it. It was loud as hell a week ago. Now it's getting quieter. I do prefer that my life be guided more by joyous passion than by fear. Still, I'll take all the guidance that divine intelligence has to offer.
BEING AFRAID OF FEAR CAUSES MORE SUFFERING THAN THE FEAR ITSELF....swami armandananda
Here's a few definitions: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat; a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psychophysiological responses to a real external threat or danger, including agitation, alertness, tension, and mobilization of the alarm reaction.
I'm starting to see that fear, like all things, is not positive or negative but may be harmful or useful depending upon the situation and how it's used. It also seems that much depends upon whether or not the fear is real or imagined. Abraham, as channeled through Esther Hicks says "your emotions are your guidance system", so how can any part of your guidance system be bad?? So, where fear is concerned, if you feel it, you are either making up something that is not real, in which case, changing your thoughts and beliefs will alleviate the fear. Or you are recognizing a real threat (something you don't want) and are being guided to take appropriate actions. So, we can be plagued by fear or inspired by it. Example...if Angelina believes that because of my past, I will eventually leave her for another woman(which she has thought many times in the past), she will feel a distressing emotion, based upon an imagined result, guiding her to trust me more and ask for support. If I believe that Angelina will leave me if I do not treat her like the goddess she is, while devoting my life and body to her, I will feel a distressing emotion, based upon a fact, guiding me to commit to doing whatever it takes to meet her needs and desires. Pretty simple huh?
Here's another def; to have a reverential awe. Wow, reverential. I have developed that definition for the fear I have for addiction. I am in sheer awe of it's power over me and what it takes to stay sober. I guess I could say "I'm in such fear of loss of personal freedom and power, that I abstain from my addiction." I am grateful to fear for inspiring me to change my beliefs and/or take appropriate, fear alleviating action.
So for anyone that likes simple analogies like I, fear is like an alarm, when it goes off, don't build a sound-proof room around it. Don't break it. Don't pretend it isn't going off. Don't go get high so you don't hear it. Don't beat yourself up for having it. Instead, feel it, ask for the gift, take appropriate action or change your thoughts and allow it to silence on it's own. This is my journey right now. I am tearing down the sound-proof room, making friends with it, staying sober and lovingly accepting that I have it. It was loud as hell a week ago. Now it's getting quieter. I do prefer that my life be guided more by joyous passion than by fear. Still, I'll take all the guidance that divine intelligence has to offer.
BEING AFRAID OF FEAR CAUSES MORE SUFFERING THAN THE FEAR ITSELF....swami armandananda
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Do Men Have 2 Brains and Only Enough Blood to Support 1 at a Time?
OK, now that I have your attention, this applies to women and men but in different ways. For men it often appears that when the 2nd chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well. For women it often appears that when the 1st chakra is engaged, the upper does not function as well. Although some of this is basic survival instinct, much of it is due to other circumstances which can be overridden. Firstly, we rarely are in survival mode like our animal/limbic brain would have us believe, so most of this is old worn-out software that tries to stress us in to believing we are in real danger when we are not.
The less obvious reason for this apparent dis-connect is "addiction". Almost everyone is addicted to some substance, behaviour, pattern, thought process etc. Unfortunately, the addiction's need for satisfaction will override all other thoughts and behaviours until the addiction is recognized, refused it's drug and dis-identified from. Even then, deeper mental/emotional vacancies will need to be addressed.
In my case, I can look at almost all the pain that was experienced by the people in my life and it is related to romantic/sexual behaviour. As I have been examining my motives, it had very little to do with my 2nd chakra, "little brain", being Italian, high testosterone, etc. It had everything to do with a God Shaped Hole that developed in early childhood that seemed to vanish when engaging in romantic/sexual behaviour. This seeming solution created the "dis-ease" or "unhealthy brain receptors" that craved satisfaction at the sacrifice of everything else. In some ways it's similar to a diabetic that needs insulin to function, the addiction "dis-ease" needs it's drug to function. I believe that 90% or more of men and women suffer from some form of love and/or sexual addiction. (unconfirmed except by experience. LOL)
Fortunately, addiction dis-ease can be rendered powerless where other physical dis-eases are often just managed with drugs etc. Addiction is rarely ever managed effectively. Until we abstain completely from the thoughts and behaviours that feed it, it will still be in charge. Even then, unless we learn to fill the God Shaped Hole with something that gives us a true sense of well being and enoughness, the "dis-ease" will haunt us to act out again and again.
(the following is approved by Angelina)
Angelina can trace most of her suffering to the belief "I am not strong enough to ask for what I want". This was certainly true in her first marriage and also true of our first 6 years together. During that time we had an open-relationship which meant that we were free to engage with others as long as it was honest and fit our personal agreements with each other. Because this was my idea and she only went along with it because she wanted to support me, there was quite a bit of pain associated with this lovestyle. When we examined her pain, it was rarely about what I was doing and mostly to do with what she made it mean, like "what if he leaves me for another?"; "what if he likes her better?", "why am I'm not enough for him?" "why can't I stand up to him and demand monogamy" etc. She eventually realized that she did not want that lovestyle, would find a way to be happy without me and gave me a choice between her or the lovestyle.
At that time, I was so heavily influenced by the dis-ease, that I could not fathom ever being happy or fullfilled without the drug. Fortunately, I simultaneously realized that I would never find a person that was more perfect for me than Angelina so I chose monogamous misery. After 1 year of abstinence, I found a happiness never before achieved or imagined. Can you see how addiction lies to us? Unfortunately, I was merely "managing" my addiction so this really didn't fix the problem, it just alleviated the symptoms AND gave Angelina what she wanted. Unfortunately, the "dis-ease" resented the heck out of her for taking away it's drug and the resentment did not go away until I went deeper. (see earlier blog on Romance and Sexual Addiction).
So here I am, going to Sex and Love Addiction meetings, filling the God Shaped Hole with Love, Acceptance and Knowing, abstaining from all thoughts that would feed the addiction, and feeling more free than I ever thought possible. For the first time in my life, I don't even want that high any more, even if Angelina OK'd it because I finally see how much more painful feeding the addiction is than abstinence.
So, there is plenty of blood to support every healthy, natural part of us. Unfortunately, addictions are more powerful than our human ability to deal with them and most of us will need a Higher Power to move us from "Slavery to Freedom"
The less obvious reason for this apparent dis-connect is "addiction". Almost everyone is addicted to some substance, behaviour, pattern, thought process etc. Unfortunately, the addiction's need for satisfaction will override all other thoughts and behaviours until the addiction is recognized, refused it's drug and dis-identified from. Even then, deeper mental/emotional vacancies will need to be addressed.
In my case, I can look at almost all the pain that was experienced by the people in my life and it is related to romantic/sexual behaviour. As I have been examining my motives, it had very little to do with my 2nd chakra, "little brain", being Italian, high testosterone, etc. It had everything to do with a God Shaped Hole that developed in early childhood that seemed to vanish when engaging in romantic/sexual behaviour. This seeming solution created the "dis-ease" or "unhealthy brain receptors" that craved satisfaction at the sacrifice of everything else. In some ways it's similar to a diabetic that needs insulin to function, the addiction "dis-ease" needs it's drug to function. I believe that 90% or more of men and women suffer from some form of love and/or sexual addiction. (unconfirmed except by experience. LOL)
Fortunately, addiction dis-ease can be rendered powerless where other physical dis-eases are often just managed with drugs etc. Addiction is rarely ever managed effectively. Until we abstain completely from the thoughts and behaviours that feed it, it will still be in charge. Even then, unless we learn to fill the God Shaped Hole with something that gives us a true sense of well being and enoughness, the "dis-ease" will haunt us to act out again and again.
(the following is approved by Angelina)
Angelina can trace most of her suffering to the belief "I am not strong enough to ask for what I want". This was certainly true in her first marriage and also true of our first 6 years together. During that time we had an open-relationship which meant that we were free to engage with others as long as it was honest and fit our personal agreements with each other. Because this was my idea and she only went along with it because she wanted to support me, there was quite a bit of pain associated with this lovestyle. When we examined her pain, it was rarely about what I was doing and mostly to do with what she made it mean, like "what if he leaves me for another?"; "what if he likes her better?", "why am I'm not enough for him?" "why can't I stand up to him and demand monogamy" etc. She eventually realized that she did not want that lovestyle, would find a way to be happy without me and gave me a choice between her or the lovestyle.
At that time, I was so heavily influenced by the dis-ease, that I could not fathom ever being happy or fullfilled without the drug. Fortunately, I simultaneously realized that I would never find a person that was more perfect for me than Angelina so I chose monogamous misery. After 1 year of abstinence, I found a happiness never before achieved or imagined. Can you see how addiction lies to us? Unfortunately, I was merely "managing" my addiction so this really didn't fix the problem, it just alleviated the symptoms AND gave Angelina what she wanted. Unfortunately, the "dis-ease" resented the heck out of her for taking away it's drug and the resentment did not go away until I went deeper. (see earlier blog on Romance and Sexual Addiction).
So here I am, going to Sex and Love Addiction meetings, filling the God Shaped Hole with Love, Acceptance and Knowing, abstaining from all thoughts that would feed the addiction, and feeling more free than I ever thought possible. For the first time in my life, I don't even want that high any more, even if Angelina OK'd it because I finally see how much more painful feeding the addiction is than abstinence.
So, there is plenty of blood to support every healthy, natural part of us. Unfortunately, addictions are more powerful than our human ability to deal with them and most of us will need a Higher Power to move us from "Slavery to Freedom"
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Dance of F.E.A.R. and F.A.I.T.H.
I've heard that FEAR stands for Forgetting Everything's All Right and that FAITH stands for Feeling Alright In The Heart. Sure it's just a clever way of looking at it but when I get down to my truth, it feels right on for me.
For the last 5 months, I've been dancing with these a lot. I stopped booking churches last April in order to leave the calender open to reach a larger audience, and do something new and more financially lucrative. Unfortunately, as the old career wound down, our hopes and dreams of replacement bookings did not happen. We spent all of this month "between careers" and that time off gave our minds wonderful opportunities to dig up old fears. I say dig up because I don't believe that they are new, just dormant for the last 7 years since we always had work, money and a sense of financial security.
Here's what fear brought to the table:
Here's what FAITH brought to the table:
May we all find Peace within the chaos as 2012 appears to bring to the surface much of what we've all avoided, through relationship drama, health issues, climate changes, addiction awareness and economic instability.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!
For the last 5 months, I've been dancing with these a lot. I stopped booking churches last April in order to leave the calender open to reach a larger audience, and do something new and more financially lucrative. Unfortunately, as the old career wound down, our hopes and dreams of replacement bookings did not happen. We spent all of this month "between careers" and that time off gave our minds wonderful opportunities to dig up old fears. I say dig up because I don't believe that they are new, just dormant for the last 7 years since we always had work, money and a sense of financial security.
Here's what fear brought to the table:
- What's gonna happen to us financially?
- Why are no agents getting back to us?
- Where did I go wrong?
- What good am I if I can't provide financially for my wife and self?
- Will I have to go back to full time churches even though my heart's no longer into it?
- Do we really have something special to share with the world or am I delusional?
Here's what FAITH brought to the table:
- Haven't you always been provided for?
- There's no such thing as rejection, just life pointing us in another direction.
- What part of patience do you not understand?
- Your worth is not valued by what you do. It's automatically valued by who you are!
- Don't worry about the future, just take it one day at a time.
- You came together for a special, romantic, musical reason. Trust and allow that to unfold.
- Use this time to love yourself more.
- You deserve this time of rest and relaxation.
- How would you feel if this were possibly your last year to live?
- Everything is as it should be.
- All is Well!!
May we all find Peace within the chaos as 2012 appears to bring to the surface much of what we've all avoided, through relationship drama, health issues, climate changes, addiction awareness and economic instability.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Love and Romance Addiction.....From Shame to Grace
Funny, for 44 years I have struggled with shame and pain in association with one form or another of love and romance addiction. I now feel that it may become my most powerful healing and teaching tool. Until recently, all my work on this subject has been a negotiation. How can I manage this addiction? I've been concerned with what was appropriate, honest, legal, acceptable by others, acceptable by my partners, etc. Still, because this addiction is so damaging, misunderstood and judged AND triggers others' fears and their own unresolved issues, I've attracted lots of drama for over 30 years.
Most of the drama ceased when I committed to my most dramatic negotiation with Angelina on June 15, 2007. I committed to "physical monogamy". I only use this distinction because my mind has been anything but monogamous. lol Before 2007, I was never able to commit to fidelity with anyone. I justified this by being honest about it and contributing my inability to commit this way to my being polyamorous, a lovestyle/orientation that I believed did not give me the choice to be monogamous. I know better now. I have come to believe that polyamory (see definition below) is a choice and is only healthy when all parties involved make a conscious choice to live this lovestyle. In her desire to support me, Angelina agreed to this lovestyle for over 6 years before giving me an ultimatum which started me on the path to recovery.
This commitment has given us the foundation to feel safe as I continued to navigate these turbulent waters. For over 4 years, we've had little drama between us and for the first time since the age of 3, I feel safe and trusting of a woman. Still, how can one manage an addiction which is inherently unmanageable and progressive? My conclusion (for me) is, I can't. I need help from something bigger than ME. I am grateful that this awareness was not in any way inspired by Angelina. She was fully content with me already. Still, I know that she will benefit most (after me), from my new awareness.
It wasn't until last Sunday, 9/11 that it really clicked for me that I was still plagued by compulsive/obsession about love and new romance. This may surprise many of you since this is not obvious in my adult and youth ministry. I've purposely hidden this aspect of my life from my ministry, partially out of fear and shame, but mostly since it's not what my ministry is about. This has been a personal struggle. Still, it has caused problems with my career, partially because it's the nature of people with addictions to sabotage what they love and also because certain individuals and "Associations" have made inaccurate assumptions about me, thinking I might be dangerous or inappropriate with congregates and/or youth. Fortunately, I have been honest enough with myself and others, to refrain from these imagined behaviours.
My most recent revelation occurred when a dear friend, off the cuff, said....."I've never met anyone that talks about sex more than you". When the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I realized in that moment that even with all the therapy, workshops, vulnerability, support, negotiations, etc., I still was not free. The addiction was making choices for me. As a recovering "control freak", I was not about to let this continue. lol It was time to get super real, get more humble and admit "I, on my own, was powerless over this addiction and was not able to manage it." I can just hear all the "bliss bunnies" and "new age/new thought fundamentalists" freaking out right now. This kind of surrender and humility is rare, especially among men, so I know it's gonna push some buttons. It's also not fully supported in the new age/new thought community which is mostly about the mental and spiritual aspects of life. That's not my stuff. What is my stuff is "my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I know God" and to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself".
What I realized in this inventory is that I have a "romantic fantasy addiction". Somehow, deep within my psyche is the "fantasy of a utopic world of free love " and this world has the ability to make all my pain go away.. This is the root of all my addictive thoughts and past behaviours. Like all addictions, the subject itself is not negative. Alcohol, coffee, work, food, gambling, fantasy, sex, love, etc. are all just parts of life. It's only when they become obsessive/compulsive that they are a problem.
In one week, I've found a huge network of support groups that are available every day all over the country to help me and others with this challenge. I've been to 7 meetings in 7 days and am devoting myself to go to meetings as often as possible until I can truthfully say that I am free of the obsessive drive to mentally fantasize and objectify women that I see. I've only been "fantasy sober"(see definition below) for 11 days and I already have a new excitement about life and feel more present to every part of this wonderful matrix. I feel that my physical, mental and emotional health are improving now that I am no longer feeding this "fantasy obsession virus" which took much of my energy and life force.
Like all 12 step programs concur, I don't believe that I will ever be free of this dis-ease. Yes, I use the word dis-ease because I believe that my brain is altered permanently and I don't have any delusions that I can engage in thoughts and practices that may be healthy for others but feed my "virus". I know that's gonna push some buttons too. LOL I feel a bit like Forest Gump when he ran so fast that he lost his leg braces and no longer needed them. I am grateful to my dear friends and beloved bride Angelina for knowing that I "have an addiction", but that I "am not my addiction". For letting me know that I was innocent just the way I was.
One way I amend the 12 steps is...rather than say "I am an addict", I say "I have an addiction". I can say for sure that shame feeds addictions, inspires "acting out" and keeps addictions in darkness. The light of truth, understanding and acceptance is the only way out of this stuff. If this is what was necessary for me to be the man I was born to be, then I accept it fully and am grateful for it. It's been the most difficult journey of my life and I can only hope that I will use it to help others recognize hope, innocence and self-love, as a result of my awareness. For weeks I have wondered why we have no work. Now I realize that it was perfectly orchestrated so I would have the time and freedom to reflect upon myself, gain these insights and have lots of time to dive into recovery. Again, everything is ultimately conspiring on our behalves. As I learn more and more, I commit to teaching others to heal this way.
You may not be able to relate to this directly, but it is my belief that we all have a version of this. Some obsession/compulsion that is keeping us from being truly free. I encourage you to look within and discover what patterns are driving you. 2012 appears to be about self-love, breaking free from destructive patterns and shining light upon all areas of darkness. I commit to join you on this journey, without the distraction of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. OK, I admit it, I'm a bit obsessive about my recovery. LOL
In closing, I want to apologize to all the women of the world and ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all men, in and out of recovery, for any behaviours and/or thoughts that hurt, abused, abandoned, obsessed, objectified, demeaned, etc, any woman at any time. I am meeting with many of these honest, courageous men every day and I can assure you this, we were led by a drive/addiction that was stronger than we knew. Had we known what we know now, we'd have been different. Many of these men have deep difficulty ever forgiving themselves for past transgressions, even though recovery teaches full forgiveness. For romance and love addiction to heal, it will take effort from society as a whole to love and forgive ourselves and others for all our transgressions. I am so grateful for this path... "From Shame to Grace"..........Armand
*sobriety-abstinence from addictive and/or compulsive behaviour
*polyamory-conscious non-monogamy
Most of the drama ceased when I committed to my most dramatic negotiation with Angelina on June 15, 2007. I committed to "physical monogamy". I only use this distinction because my mind has been anything but monogamous. lol Before 2007, I was never able to commit to fidelity with anyone. I justified this by being honest about it and contributing my inability to commit this way to my being polyamorous, a lovestyle/orientation that I believed did not give me the choice to be monogamous. I know better now. I have come to believe that polyamory (see definition below) is a choice and is only healthy when all parties involved make a conscious choice to live this lovestyle. In her desire to support me, Angelina agreed to this lovestyle for over 6 years before giving me an ultimatum which started me on the path to recovery.
This commitment has given us the foundation to feel safe as I continued to navigate these turbulent waters. For over 4 years, we've had little drama between us and for the first time since the age of 3, I feel safe and trusting of a woman. Still, how can one manage an addiction which is inherently unmanageable and progressive? My conclusion (for me) is, I can't. I need help from something bigger than ME. I am grateful that this awareness was not in any way inspired by Angelina. She was fully content with me already. Still, I know that she will benefit most (after me), from my new awareness.
It wasn't until last Sunday, 9/11 that it really clicked for me that I was still plagued by compulsive/obsession about love and new romance. This may surprise many of you since this is not obvious in my adult and youth ministry. I've purposely hidden this aspect of my life from my ministry, partially out of fear and shame, but mostly since it's not what my ministry is about. This has been a personal struggle. Still, it has caused problems with my career, partially because it's the nature of people with addictions to sabotage what they love and also because certain individuals and "Associations" have made inaccurate assumptions about me, thinking I might be dangerous or inappropriate with congregates and/or youth. Fortunately, I have been honest enough with myself and others, to refrain from these imagined behaviours.
My most recent revelation occurred when a dear friend, off the cuff, said....."I've never met anyone that talks about sex more than you". When the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I realized in that moment that even with all the therapy, workshops, vulnerability, support, negotiations, etc., I still was not free. The addiction was making choices for me. As a recovering "control freak", I was not about to let this continue. lol It was time to get super real, get more humble and admit "I, on my own, was powerless over this addiction and was not able to manage it." I can just hear all the "bliss bunnies" and "new age/new thought fundamentalists" freaking out right now. This kind of surrender and humility is rare, especially among men, so I know it's gonna push some buttons. It's also not fully supported in the new age/new thought community which is mostly about the mental and spiritual aspects of life. That's not my stuff. What is my stuff is "my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I know God" and to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself".
What I realized in this inventory is that I have a "romantic fantasy addiction". Somehow, deep within my psyche is the "fantasy of a utopic world of free love " and this world has the ability to make all my pain go away.. This is the root of all my addictive thoughts and past behaviours. Like all addictions, the subject itself is not negative. Alcohol, coffee, work, food, gambling, fantasy, sex, love, etc. are all just parts of life. It's only when they become obsessive/compulsive that they are a problem.
In one week, I've found a huge network of support groups that are available every day all over the country to help me and others with this challenge. I've been to 7 meetings in 7 days and am devoting myself to go to meetings as often as possible until I can truthfully say that I am free of the obsessive drive to mentally fantasize and objectify women that I see. I've only been "fantasy sober"(see definition below) for 11 days and I already have a new excitement about life and feel more present to every part of this wonderful matrix. I feel that my physical, mental and emotional health are improving now that I am no longer feeding this "fantasy obsession virus" which took much of my energy and life force.
Like all 12 step programs concur, I don't believe that I will ever be free of this dis-ease. Yes, I use the word dis-ease because I believe that my brain is altered permanently and I don't have any delusions that I can engage in thoughts and practices that may be healthy for others but feed my "virus". I know that's gonna push some buttons too. LOL I feel a bit like Forest Gump when he ran so fast that he lost his leg braces and no longer needed them. I am grateful to my dear friends and beloved bride Angelina for knowing that I "have an addiction", but that I "am not my addiction". For letting me know that I was innocent just the way I was.
One way I amend the 12 steps is...rather than say "I am an addict", I say "I have an addiction". I can say for sure that shame feeds addictions, inspires "acting out" and keeps addictions in darkness. The light of truth, understanding and acceptance is the only way out of this stuff. If this is what was necessary for me to be the man I was born to be, then I accept it fully and am grateful for it. It's been the most difficult journey of my life and I can only hope that I will use it to help others recognize hope, innocence and self-love, as a result of my awareness. For weeks I have wondered why we have no work. Now I realize that it was perfectly orchestrated so I would have the time and freedom to reflect upon myself, gain these insights and have lots of time to dive into recovery. Again, everything is ultimately conspiring on our behalves. As I learn more and more, I commit to teaching others to heal this way.
You may not be able to relate to this directly, but it is my belief that we all have a version of this. Some obsession/compulsion that is keeping us from being truly free. I encourage you to look within and discover what patterns are driving you. 2012 appears to be about self-love, breaking free from destructive patterns and shining light upon all areas of darkness. I commit to join you on this journey, without the distraction of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. OK, I admit it, I'm a bit obsessive about my recovery. LOL
In closing, I want to apologize to all the women of the world and ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all men, in and out of recovery, for any behaviours and/or thoughts that hurt, abused, abandoned, obsessed, objectified, demeaned, etc, any woman at any time. I am meeting with many of these honest, courageous men every day and I can assure you this, we were led by a drive/addiction that was stronger than we knew. Had we known what we know now, we'd have been different. Many of these men have deep difficulty ever forgiving themselves for past transgressions, even though recovery teaches full forgiveness. For romance and love addiction to heal, it will take effort from society as a whole to love and forgive ourselves and others for all our transgressions. I am so grateful for this path... "From Shame to Grace"..........Armand
*sobriety-abstinence from addictive and/or compulsive behaviour
*polyamory-conscious non-monogamy
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