The Upside of Codependency

Codependency is a loaded, much misunderstood word and condition and Angelina and I have been pondering it's meanings, etc. lately   We both have identified with codependency in the past and have done much work to free ourselves of its grip.  Much of what our favorite relationship material, Real Love, talks about is in alignment with letting go of codependency. Here are a few popular definitions.

1.

excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

 

2. a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction);

3.  An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.

4. the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.

We believe that based upon this last definition, every human being would exhibit some codependency and a person's ability to function healthfully in relationship would depend greatly upon what degree of codependency they would have and succumb to.

Unfortunately, the word has been thrown around so much that it has lost much of its effectiveness in truly diagnosing an urgent or problematic situation.  This inspired us to look at how this term is often used to criticize others as well as lookin

g for ways that codependency may be positive. We are firm believers that everything has a front and a back and typically the bigger the front, the bigger the back. How does that work with codependency?  

In some ways, it is much like alcohol. Many people drink alcohol without adverse reactions, addiction, etc. Many alcoholics see alcohol as bad and will quickly call someone an alcoholic if they see them as even appearing to overdrink. We actually have a friend who believes Angelina is an alcoholic because she drinks a glass of wine almost every day. This can be true of people who identify as codependents too. Because some have had such devastating results from their own and other's codependency, they will often call another's actions codependent when it reminds them of past behaviors.  When I was recovering from surgery, I depended upon Angelina exclusively to help me get back to health.  Was this codependent? Absolutely and it worked wonderfully for each of us.  We both will bend over backwards for the other in cases where we feel stronger in a given situation and the other appears to need some extra support. In the broadest definition, this would be codependent however, it is obvious that some forms of codependency are healthy and productive.

As always, there are many views to every situation and we are open to expanding our awareness of these and other loaded words and phrases.