Today I eat more Humble Pie. After an intimate conversation with our dear friends, Lynn and Doug, I was able to identify another shadow of mine. Lynn noticed that I frequently paint a picture of myself as being less helpful to Angelina than I really am. I originally blew it off as me just being funny but the more we talked about it, the more I uncovered some shame and guilt that was motivating some of my thoughts and words. I then could see a lifelong behavior of inaccurate self representation and what I was really bidding for.
I often describe myself in ways that appear to others as a man who allows his bride to wait on him hand and foot. I say things like "Angelina does everything while I play on Facebook." This month is the first time we've spent extensive time in Lynn's home and she noticed that the reality of our relationship was very different than what I presented. After some struggle, I realized that I have some unconscious shame, guilt and un-deservingness about having such a devoted woman who is willing to take care of me the way Angelina does. It is easy for me to see how my relationship with my mom and surrogate mother planted these seeds AND they are totally not my current reality. I also have received quite a bit of criticism (mostly from women) about how I allow Angelina to take care of me.
One way I try and deal with the guilt is to exaggerate to people how little I do, in advance. I have realized that there are at least two reasons I do this. One is to beat them to the punch, but the more subtle reason is "if I show you what a louse I can be, you will be able to prove to me that you love and accept me unconditionally." OMG, how exhausting!
I realize that I have done a version of this my whole life. Angelina just happens to be the first woman who has seen through it all and committed to me deeply enough to inspire me to heal much of my shame, guilt and un-deservingness. I can honestly say that I Love Me The Way She Does. Still, there is more to heal, love and release and I am open to continued fearless moral inventory.
Another way I did this a few years ago, that had powerfully painful results in our career, was when I exaggerated my Love Addiction and Codependency. I had been shamed deeply by myself and others for 30 years for how I gave in to my addiction so in addition to owning it and doing the recovery work, I chose to publicly expose myself and exaggerate it because it carried more shameful weight in society. I'm not saying that any addiction is shameful in any way or that it's a black and white situation. It's just that some addictions are less understood and judged than others and anything to do with sexuality is extremely scary to society. OMG. Just getting this people! It's as if saying I had codependency and love addiction wouldn't inspire enough rejection and unconditional acceptance so I better make it more scary. Well it worked, I got the unconditional acceptance and love I was seeking but we also lost work because of imagined fear that my exaggerated posts instilled. Fortunately, our relationship bond with ourselves and others strengthened and we even got extra work because of the vulnerability and transparency that was mixed in with the self sabotage.
In closing, I commit even more to being more honest with myself and others. This includes but is not limited to refraining from exaggerating my dysfunction and my strengths. Deep gratitude for all of you who continue to love, accept and inspire me not only in spite of my dysfunction but because of it. Even when I exaggerate it. LOL
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