The Upside of Codependency

Codependency is a loaded, much misunderstood word and condition and Angelina and I have been pondering it's meanings, etc. lately   We both have identified with codependency in the past and have done much work to free ourselves of its grip.  Much of what our favorite relationship material, Real Love, talks about is in alignment with letting go of codependency. Here are a few popular definitions.

1.

excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

 

2. a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction);

3.  An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.

4. the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.

We believe that based upon this last definition, every human being would exhibit some codependency and a person's ability to function healthfully in relationship would depend greatly upon what degree of codependency they would have and succumb to.

Unfortunately, the word has been thrown around so much that it has lost much of its effectiveness in truly diagnosing an urgent or problematic situation.  This inspired us to look at how this term is often used to criticize others as well as lookin

g for ways that codependency may be positive. We are firm believers that everything has a front and a back and typically the bigger the front, the bigger the back. How does that work with codependency?  

In some ways, it is much like alcohol. Many people drink alcohol without adverse reactions, addiction, etc. Many alcoholics see alcohol as bad and will quickly call someone an alcoholic if they see them as even appearing to overdrink. We actually have a friend who believes Angelina is an alcoholic because she drinks a glass of wine almost every day. This can be true of people who identify as codependents too. Because some have had such devastating results from their own and other's codependency, they will often call another's actions codependent when it reminds them of past behaviors.  When I was recovering from surgery, I depended upon Angelina exclusively to help me get back to health.  Was this codependent? Absolutely and it worked wonderfully for each of us.  We both will bend over backwards for the other in cases where we feel stronger in a given situation and the other appears to need some extra support. In the broadest definition, this would be codependent however, it is obvious that some forms of codependency are healthy and productive.

As always, there are many views to every situation and we are open to expanding our awareness of these and other loaded words and phrases.

How Are Pain Bodies Like Scared Dogs?

How Are Pain Bodies like Scared Dogs?

Have you ever known someone that you absolutely adored, yet if you spent too much time or had too much intimate communication with them, there was volatile conflict?  This is what has inevitably happened time and time again with my surrogate mother for about 48 years. In December of 2012, we mutually agreed to keep our communications to a minimum and have had no conflict since and only very loving communications.

But what if you don't want to just be casual friends with someone with whom you have this triggering pain body dynamic. This will require much finesse, self-care, courage and compassion.  Volatile conflict is the result of unhealed or unidentified pain bodies. Imagine that these pain bodies are like scared dogs. You and your friend absolutely adore each other and you each have one of these scared dogs with you at all times. Sometimes the dog is locked up. Sometimes it is free to roam and other times it is on a leash. The trick is to make sure these scared dogs don't get too close to each other because there will be a fight and most likely some emotional, mental or even physical bloodshed. If either party had a healed pain body, the other dog would have nothing to fight with. Some people's scared dog  is free to roam and unidentified, and will bark and bite anyone at anytime. Unfortunately, unless we are fully healed of our pain bodies, other people's dogs are gonna find ours and pick a fight. For most of us, our scared dogs are either locked away/unidentified or leashed/identified. As long as everyone involved has identified their pain bodies and are conscious of how to keep them on a short leash while healing them, they will be able to have intimate conscious loving relationship.

This is serious relationship yoga and I am only just beginning to learn to navigate these waters. Fortunately with Angelina, our pain bodies rarely fight with each other. This is what I call complementary pain bodies vs. triggering pain bodies. Most of my friends are complementary with me and I have often avoided or run away from those people which were too triggering. I realize that I did this to protect myself, which in many cases prevented me from becoming more conscious and healed. I now choose to practice scared animal taming with those with triggering pain bodies as long as the other parties involved are also equally committed to this practice.

I will keep you posted as to how this new awareness develops. Thank you Thank you to all my triggers for they continue to inspire me to heal and fully embrace my scared dog.

If I Present Myself As More Damaged, Will You Still Love Me?

Today I eat more Humble Pie. After an intimate conversation with our dear friends, Lynn and Doug, I was able to identify another shadow of mine. Lynn noticed that I frequently paint a picture of myself as being less helpful to Angelina than I really am. I originally blew it off as me just being funny but the more we talked about it, the more I uncovered some shame and guilt that was motivating some of my thoughts and words. I then could see a lifelong behavior of inaccurate self representation and what I was really bidding for.


I often describe myself in ways that appear to others as a man who allows his bride to wait on him hand and foot. I say things like "Angelina does everything while I play on Facebook."  This month is the first time we've spent extensive time in Lynn's home and she noticed that the reality of our relationship was very different than what I presented. After some struggle, I realized that I have some unconscious shame, guilt and un-deservingness about having such a devoted woman who is willing to take care of me the way Angelina does. It is easy for me to see how my relationship with my mom and surrogate mother planted these seeds AND they are totally not my current reality.  I also have received quite a bit of criticism (mostly from women) about how I allow Angelina to take care of me.


One way I try and deal with the guilt is to exaggerate to people how little I do, in advance.  I have realized that there are at least two reasons I do this. One is to beat them to the punch, but the more subtle reason is "if I show you what a louse I can be, you will be able to prove to me that you love and accept me unconditionally."  OMG, how exhausting!


I realize that I have done a version of this my whole life. Angelina just happens to be the first woman who has seen through it all and committed to me deeply enough to inspire me to heal much of my shame, guilt and un-deservingness.  I can honestly say that I Love Me The Way She Does. Still, there is more to heal, love and release and I am open to continued fearless moral inventory.


Another way I did this a few years ago, that had powerfully painful results in our career, was when I exaggerated my Love Addiction and Codependency.  I had been shamed deeply by myself and others for 30 years for how I gave in to my addiction so in addition to owning it and doing the recovery work, I chose to publicly expose myself and exaggerate it because it carried more shameful weight in society.  I'm not saying that any addiction is shameful in any way or that it's a black and white situation. It's just that some addictions are less understood and judged than others and anything to do with sexuality is extremely scary to society.  OMG. Just getting this people!  It's as if saying I had codependency and love addiction wouldn't inspire enough rejection and unconditional acceptance so I better make it more scary.  Well it worked, I got the unconditional acceptance and love I was seeking but we also lost work because of imagined fear that my exaggerated posts instilled. Fortunately, our relationship bond with ourselves and others strengthened and we even got extra work because of the vulnerability and transparency that was mixed in with the self sabotage.


In closing, I commit even more to being more honest with myself and others. This includes but is not limited to refraining from exaggerating my dysfunction and my strengths. Deep gratitude for all of you who continue to love, accept and inspire me not only in spite of my dysfunction but because of it. Even when I exaggerate it. LOL