You Never Get It All Done!

Today I found myself wanting to get away from my house.  This happens quite often and it's one of the things that motivates me to do outdoor yoga, exercise, 12-step meetings and tennis.  Today I got some awareness during yoga as to the main reason this occurs.  Sometimes, my home represents all the things that I have to do and the story I've made up about how far behind I am in getting them done.  "You Never Get It Done"......I've heard this in the past as well as "There's Always More To Do" and each time I hear it, I feel more at ease.  These phrases help me realize that I am the one who puts the deadlines for my achievements upon me.  So what if I don't get everything done in the time frame I set forth.  Life is messy sometimes.  I am finding more and more the desire to do things that increase the positive chemicals in my brain and quite often it takes me away from work and organizational things. I still get everything done that I need.  "It's more important to FEEL and BE than it is to DO".....yogi armandananda

When I can let go of the rigid demands I put upon myself about time frames, etc., I will start to see all the projects, organizing, work materials and bookings as "works in progress" that are an indication that I am evolving and active.  Then I will feel less eager to get away from my home.  I still plan to do my outdoor practices and play but will be going towards them instead of away from my perceived burdens of responsibility.

First a Heart Breaks; Then it Breaks Open!

I got some news yesterday that really disturbed and disappointed me.  My heart was again broken which always becomes an opportunity for more healing and more openness to Spirit.  My neurosis heard "there are people conspiring against you to keep you and Angelina from being able to share your love and music at churches and other events".  My soul responded "everything is always conspiring upon your behalf".  Apparently, the intimate, honest, open, edgy (and sometimes unskillful) nature of some of my posts and blogs continue to make some folks uncomfortable and in at least two cases in the last few months, have chosen to use that discomfort to prevent us from being part of certain events and services. Spirit said "that comes with the territory. You will always be provided for. Be at Peace."  I cried a bit at first to release the pain, got loved up by talking to Angelina and two of my dearest friends and supporters, went bowling (scored a 210), came back to The Land, played the game "catch phrase" with two of our dear friends, watched the end of "Tuck Everlasting" and headed outside to meditate and spend the night under the stars. I made one more phone call to a dear friend and she loved me up some more.

As long as I was meditating, all was well. As soon as I drifted off to sleep, my Ego's voices (aka the shitty committee) starting making me feel anxious.  I went back to meditating and self talk..."All is well, God is balance, there's perfection everywhere, Peace I AM, even in the chaos, sweet surrender all around. Pure acceptance, Open up embrace it all."  I finally just let go and wailed for a few minutes. Fortunately, the hammock was far enough away from the lodging and no-one heard me.  I drifted beautifully off to sleep and awoke at 6am in time for morning meditation. I am again reminded to allow myself to feel and express it all even if my thoughts are in contradiction to "absolute truth and awareness".

At this time, we are fully booked for the next 5 months and many churches and events continue to be inspired by our love and music.  I am trusting that these two recent occurrences are the exception to the rule.  As a dear friend said, "this is coming up again for you Armand so you can more deeply heal it".  This is a very familiar place for me and my negative energy around it is a fraction of what it's been in the past, so that is a very good sign.  I am also reminded..."What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.”-
Albert Einstein   For all of you who feel misunderstood, ostracized or abandoned: I feel you; I see you; and I walk this journey with you. We are in very good company!  "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

Are We All a Bunch of Junkies? Meditate or Medicate? That is the question.(updated 5/19/2013)

The more I explore emotions, addictions and physical sensation, the more I recognize that we are all just seeking ways to "feel good".  Unfortunately, in our pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, we can just as easily get hooked on negative emotions (chemicals) as positive ones.  As the movie "What The Bleep Do We Know" so clearly showed: we are all chemical producing machines. Our cells get addicted to certain chemicals and we get our organs to produce more and more so we can continue to get the "rush".

I have almost always avoided drugs.  I avoided illegal drugs for the obvious reasons and pharmaceuticals for my stance that "they only offered symptomatic relief and were addictive with horrible side-effects".  I actually was a bit righteous about this since I thought drug users of any kind were just not courageous enough to heal the problem at it's core.

I've spent most of 2012 doing a lot of research into addictions and I realize that all of them seem to be producing the same thing....Drugs!  This drug is most often some form of Dopamine but ultimately it produces a HIGH.  All these years of righteousness, I was just substituting the Dope of substances for the Dope of;  Romance, Sex, Praise, Fantasy, Rejection, Fear, Martyrdom and Compulsive Thinking (which is usually just a way to avoid The Now and ponder our own separation and not-enoughness). What a hypocrite!  Oops, that was a self-abusive comment and it produced a chemical that fed my "not-enoughness" which in turn makes me crave it's anti-venom.....Praise.!

Dopamine is produced by so many of the things we get addicted and attached to: Shopping, Gambling, Intense Movies, Eating, Sugar, Coffee,  Energy Drinks, Chocolate, Alcohol,  Drugs, Performing, Working, Making Money, Spending Money, Fantasy (which includes sex, lifestyle, finances, justice, peace on earth, etc).  Even things that might appear to be painful like self-sacrifice, being a victim and complaining, can often trigger a sense of pride and/or pity that has it's own Dopamine-like chemical payoff. In other words, we are all just medicating.

For the last 16 months I've been experimenting with Deep Meditation for approximately 2 hours per day.  I even explored a few "entheogens" to see what all the hype was about.  My new take on all of these drugs is.....Meditate or Medicate!  Meditation seems to produce it's own "feel good" chemical often referred to as DMT.  This comes from our own pineal gland and produces an altered state where we hallucinogenically imagine that we are.....perfect, all-loving, children of the universe, connected to all other matter. It also may highten awareness about unresolved issues. Isn't that what happens when we commit deeply to a spiritual path or spiritual course of study?   Isn't that the absolute reality anyway and not the one our egos have imagined?

What if cravings were merely a guidance letting us know that we need more quiet, contemplative time to remember who we really are?  What if we are using the "satisfaction of distraction" as a way to numb out the pain of believing a lie that we are small and separate?  I'm not criticizing drugs of any type. I now believe that anything can be used to raise our consciousness or to medicate and numb out. The more I learn about alcohol, refined sugar and pharmaceutical drugs, especially those used for mental and emotional conditions, the more I am amazed that they are so available and legal, when many things with a fraction of the side-effects and negative repercussions are illegal and demonized.

So my question to all of us????.....Medicate or Meditate?

How We Won on America's Got Talent

It's been over a year since we were asked to leave the competition on America's Got Talent in Las Vegas.  Of course it's also our 1 year wedding anniversary.  You might ask, "how can you say you won?".  Well, as we look over the amazing journey that we've taken, it's obvious that we have grown in many ways.  Here are some of the gifts that we believe occurred because of our experience with AGT.

1. Angelina and I are more connected and intimate with each other than ever.
2. Our egos have been powerfully humbled.
3. We have no desire to be a part of any competition again.
4. We have more freedom than ever before and we appreciate that freedom more than ever.
5. We are more content with our simple speaking and singing career than ever.
6. We are more grateful to our friends and supporters than ever.
7. We have simplified our financial lives greatly.
8. We are more independent of the "good opinion" of others. 
9. We no longer desire/need to be accepted by "the mainstream public".
10. We feel more abundant than ever, regardless of what shows up externally.
11. I was inspired through depression and humiliation to heal many of my shadow beliefs.
12. I was inspired to learn and practice daily meditation and yoga.
13. Angelina was inspired to recognize her "self-critical/abusive" behaviour and correct it.
14. I have found a way to make healthy choices in regards to whom I spend my time with.
15. More than ever, we get our validation from within.

All of this was catalyzed by our experience on AGT and we are extremely grateful for the opportunity to have grown in this way even though we don't welcome more of these painful growth experiences.  Many people that achieve the success that these shows offer are documented as feeling: less free, more anxious, more stressed and less happy than they were before the "perceived success".  We were spared this result against our wills. 

In the words of Garth Brooks....."thank God for unanswered prayers".  Thanks to all of you who believed in us throughout this crazy year.  Our faith in God/Spirit has been tested as I know your faith in us has also been tested.  As a quote I read recently said...."It Is What It Is, but What It Becomes Is Up To You!!"  Here's to a peaceful, content 2012.

If You Judge It, You Empower It!

As I revel in my new life, I can't help but ponder the differences in how I think and feel now relative to how I thought and felt during my "5 months of Hell" or "The Tunnel".  One of the awarenesses I've had is how I perceived certain things.  Love-Making/Rape; Affluence/Poverty; Approval/Rejection; Well Fed/Starvation; Kindness/Cruelty; Health/Disease; Support/Non-Support; etc. 

I brought these ideas to life by judging them as good and/or bad.  I gave away my peace by replacing it with these judgments.  What previously felt like scenes in a movie called life, became much more real and thus painful to me.  I'm convinced that much of my depressive thoughts and feelings were merely a symptom of forgetting the truth of who we are and what's really real.

I am grateful for this journey, our amazing creative minds that make all of this stuff up and all the gifts of awareness that are offered in the process.  In the past, I avoided uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Then in "The Tunnel", I gave them power.  Now I recognize them as the "dreams they are" and feel no need to avoid them or give them life.

The more I am aware and present to Our True Divine Nature, the lack of real substance in this material matrix called Life, and the creative opportunity that we have all been given by our Higher Power, the more Peace and Contentment I feel.

Feeling Lovable: How I Cured my Depression!

Could inner peace and happiness be as simple as feeling lovable?  I believe that it may well be.  I have been feeling lovable for about 6 weeks now and I am starting to realize how new it is for me.  Oh sure, I've thought I was lovable many times in the past.  It always wore off though.  I will do my best to share my story in a succinct way as not to bore you.  Yeah right!

Very early on due to my parents' divorce, etc., I was taught "you are unlovable". I believed it.  In 4th grade I was diagnosed with "anxiety disorder'. I spent the next 43 years doing my best to quiet any thoughts that would remind me of that belief that I was unlovable.  It originally began with an obsessive need for Attention. Then it moved into an obsession with Females. Then an obsession with Spirituality; and finally My Music Career.  Actually, I found a way to have a career that would get me my drugs of: Attention; Females; and Spirituality,  Meet "Armand The Musical Minister":  A man who wanted to make the world a better place so others wouldn't have to feel the pain and fear that he felt.  Of course I was mostly unaware of this until recently.

As long as I was getting my drugs, life was good.  However, when anything threatened to take away my drugs, I felt horrible withdrawal and the deep belief that I was unlovable came to the surface.  The easiest way I found to avoid this pain, was to always be in a new exciting romance.  Almost nothing else mattered when I was in love.  Constantly traveling to new churches and events where I was able to inspire others, get attention and possibly meet new women was intoxicating also.  There is a certain Power and Praise that comes from being on stage and I shot myself up with that drug as often as I could. One of the things that masked this behaviour from me was the knowing that my ministry was actually helping people and was loaded with loving and empowering messages.  How could such a Powerful Spiritual message be motivated by Fear and Sadness?  Oh well, it was!  I'm sure I'm not the only leader in the Spiritual Movement that was a "praise and power junkie", secretly miserable.

In 2007, Angelina demanded that I give up all other romance or she would leave me.  I knew that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was attached to her even more than I was to romantic intrigue, so I agreed reluctantly, as long as I could still fantacize as much as I wanted, and spent the next 9 months in pain, fear and anger as I let go of my "drug of choice".   I eventually realized how addicted to other women I had been and began to understand how much healthier monogamy was for me.  Still, I became increasingly aware of how unlovable I felt and unconsciously went for a stronger dose of Career (ie, power, praise and safety) to compensate.

I was no longer satisfied with the church ministry, I wanted national success, recognition, more money, etc.   We got a financial backer, hired a producer and set out to make a CD that would be more mainstream so we could pursue a record company and management.  The CD gave us a few new opportunities but ultimately did not give us what we had hoped for.  Then we had the brilliant (lol) idea to audition for America's Got Talent!  This had enormous potential for success or failure.  The results were more horrifying than we could ever have imagined. This devastated me internally because I realized that I was not going to get my drugs ever again. 

For the first time in my life, I decided to empty myself of as much as I could of anything that was numbing me from feeling what was really going on inside me.  I stopped booking almost any work.  I gave up any fantasies about women or career. I entered 3 long term recovery support groups to keep me sober from my drugs.  I challenged all my Spiritual beliefs about positivity, law of attraction, free will, etc. to make sure I wasn't using God/Spirituality to avoid my pain. I started studying Real Love by Greg Baer and attending "Real Love Groups" as often as I could.  I even tried periods of celibacy to keep me from "using Angelina for drugs". 

I slipped into what felt like "depression".  I now see it more as "a full recognition of how scared, angry, and unlovable I felt" or "deep expression".  I could have taken the advice of many and gone the psychiatric/pharmaceutical route.  I could also have, at any time, numbed out again like I had done so many times before but I chose to just be with all of it.   This was super hard on Angelina but she supported me fully and we had some savings to cover the bills for about 8 months, so we were OK. This lasted about 5 months until I was insane enough to register for a Course in Vipassana Meditation.  This would be a 10 day silent instructional meditation course that involved 10 hours a day of meditation. I was truly alone.  This rocked my world!

This course brought decades of fears, anxiety, pain, anger, vindictiveness and hopelessness to the surface.  It also gave me awareness's and insights as to my true innocent, lovable, worthy nature that I hadn't felt since early childhood.  This intrinsic nature did not need attention, women, spirituality or career to be present.  I felt my attachment to all of my drugs begin to diminish.  I even felt a healthy non-attachment to Angelina. I wanted to just stay at the retreat center forever.  I had never felt this good about myself and I was afraid to lose it.  Still, I needed to go home and face my world and find a way to incorporate my new peace and lovableness into my relationship and life.

Re-entry at home was extremely difficult.  I wanted to be alone to process my new awareness's with little regard for how it would affect Angelina.  After 2 weeks of disconnection, Angelina and I found a new groove and became even more connected and loving than ever before.  She noticed that I was more at peace and began to feel even more loved, cherished and respected by me. 

I have not felt depressed/unlovable/hopeless or anything like that for 6 weeks.  I have a new enthusiasm for our simple church and event career. I don't crave power, praise, sex, women, fantasy, pleasure, or external success anymore.  Vipassana is the first technique that I have found that works this way for me.  It requires daily practice to continue to allow the darkness to be released and keeps me aware of my beautiful, lovable self.  Every time I meditate, do yoga, exercise, eat healthy foods, practice loving-kindness, rest, spend time in nature, tell the truth about myself and reach out for loving support, I remind myself that I am lovable and worthy of peace and happiness. Then I have more loving-kindness to share with others.

I have a new "three-legged stool" of Vipassana, Real Love and Sobriety.  Without all three, my support will fail.  I feel that my emptying, awareness's and new practices have cured me of my "deep expression" (anxiety and depression) and I plan to spend the rest of my life becoming more and more awake to what is real and true.  I am honored to share this journey with you all. May we all find the peace, serenity and happiness that we all so deserve.   "What a long, strange trip it's been..Grateful Dead

Depression and EGO Hate Vipassana Meditation

Today during my morning Vipassana meditation, my old nemesis "depression" came-a-callin'.  I felt myself starting to feel sadness and was being guided to cut my meditation short, give up my morning yoga and workout, and crawl back into bed to process.  I resisted the urge to give in and went to the lake to do my practices. On the way I started crying over a painful amends I had made on Sunday.  After a few minutes of tearful release, I felt better. Then I did my yoga practices and I felt great. 

I realized that "depression" is extremely opportunistic and looks for gateways back into my psyche like H.A.L.T.-hunger, angryness, loneliness and tiredness.  It also can use unreleased sadness or physical pain as an entry point.  It felt really good to nip it in the bud by checking in with my body and emotions and see what was present.  To quote Ram Dass..."I still have all my neurosis'. The difference is, now when they knock on my door, I invite them in for a quick drink before showing them the door to leave."

May We All Be Happy,
May We Find Peace of Mind,
May We All Know the Freedom,
Of Accepting All Life.