Getting Sober from the "Drunkenness of Positivity"

It's been 42 days since I began recovery to abstain from my addiction to "Fantasy".  It appears that sobriety from one behaviour may lead to sobriety from others.  It is becoming increasingly clear that I was also using "Positivity" in a compulsive, addictive way.  Although "Positivity", like all other concepts, is ultimately "neutral".  When used to avoid our feelings, it will most likely lead to repression, addictive behaviour and numbing out.  This has certainly been true for me.

Both my parents were infectiously positive most of the time.  This was counter-balanced with bouts of rage, but overall, they were the "life of the party" and conditioned us to stay positive. They also did everything to discourage expressions of sadness and/or anger.  The message I heard mostly when I expressed sadness was..."I'll give you something to cry about!" or "I don't have time or energy to deal with that".  My surrogate mother (the female who mostly influenced me throughout my life) was also very positive.  She even wrote a few books on the subject.  The message I got from her was... "Be positive you worthless unwanted burden or I'll punish you harshly.  Only an unevolved piece of shit would focus upon anything other than joy and bliss."  Obviously, when choosing between repression and violence, I chose repression. LOL (well maybe not.) Disclaimer: I have made peace with and forgiven both my deceased parents and my living surrogate who is currently an important part of my life.

Last night, before my 12-step meeting, I was expressing to the others in the group that I was feeling some anger because I had worked my regular weekly speaking and singing job today and had only cleared about 50% of our weekly expenses.  Of course I heard..."make a gratitude list" and "I would do a re-frame".  F*#$%&*k that!!!!  When did it become politically incorrect to be authentic?  Sure I recognize the value of gratitude and re-framing.  For God's sake I have been teaching those techniques for 15 years.  Still, I now also see the value of recognizing the feelings of The Now and allowing them to guide us to a hidden issue that needs to be addressed.  Disclaimer:  I know that the income we made this week is equivalent to the average human's yearly income. I get it!

I'm getting more and more that there is a mass consciousness fear and disdain of painful emotions.  I'm wondering how much of the "new age/new thought spiritual movement" was developed to avoid feeling fear, anger and sadness.  A few years ago a friend, who was taking prescription antidepressants, told me that most of the people he knew were on some form of these drugs. OK, it appears that when our current spiritual climate warrants the rampant use of prescription and non-prescription drugs, something is missing.  Obviously, positive thinking is not working!!  As long as I was making good money, receiving adoration from audiences, getting my love and sexual needs met, and having positive fantasies about the future, the facade of happiness prevailed.  However, as soon as the American public rejected us on national T.V., we stopped working, I got sober and the money stopped coming in,  there was a different reality.  I heard that you find out what's in you when you get squeezed.  When I got squeezed, fear, anger and depression came out.  I also know it's just a f.a.d.

I'm reminded of the blockbuster spiritual movie and book The Secret.  This was made up of "commercially successful", "living their dreams", "commercially attractive" "role models" that gave us all hope and inspiration that we too could achieve our dreams and aspirations.  I wonder what would come out if they got squeezed?   Can you say James Ray????   I heard a rumor that he was on prescription drugs too.  Of course it is highly unlikely that any of these leaders will be forced to get that real since they are financially and emotionally supported by so many of us. LOL  It's like they are "positivity addicts" and we are supplying them with the funds to feed their habit. Iyanla Vanzant is another "spiritual leader" whose bubble burst when she got squeezed many years ago.  I wonder how many folks are now in therapy because they put all their faith in us spiritual leaders that were selling them a "temporary fix" and once the drug wore off or didn't work for them, became even more depressed and hopeless.?

I can say with relative sureness that had our experience on America's Got Talent turned out the way we had planned, affirmed, received support for and believed, I'd still be living the illusion that I was a happy, sober man. I also believe that the opportunities for sexual fantasy and reality would have increased hundredfold and I shudder to think of what I would have succumbed to with all of that temptation.  Here's a re-frame....I am so grateful to our painful, humiliating AGT experience for being a catalyst for one of the most powerful realizations of my life. I am also grateful that our dreams of nationwide validation and appreciation were not fulfilled!  I am however very open that some new support and appreciation of our musical gifts, that is more in alignment with our highest destiny, becomes manifest.

I apologize to all of the tens of thousands of audience members, friends etc. that I may have influenced to use the "drug of positivity" in a compulsive, avoidance way.  I can only say that I really believed that what I was saying and doing was healthy and life-enhancing.  In other words, I'm not only the president of "The Positivity Club for Men, Women and Children", I'm also a client.  Actually, used in a non-obsessive way, I still believe in positivity.  We just have to realize that pain, anger and positivity are not mutually exclusive.