This is a powerful subject for me. To do this topic justice, I'll need to share a bit of my history in "Dick and Jane" style. I was born into a wonderful, middle class family in the early 60's. When I was 3, Mom had an affair with an alcoholic. Dad found out. Dad left mom. Dad took all 4 kids and demonized Mom. Older Sister became surrogate mother to me. Mom married alcoholic. My Heaven turned to Hell! Eventually moved back with mom and new husband. New husband was abusive. Mom threw husband out. Husband ate barrel of pistol and blew his head off. And we all lived happily ever after.....NOT!
I learned early on that life was not warm and stable but through my imagination, anything was possible. Rather than face a life of disappointment, I imagined I was OK seeing mom only occassionally. I imagined that my sister's punishments were good for me because she loved me (gotta love that one). I imagined that it was OK for Dad to not forgive Mom. I imagined that stepfather's physical abuse of Mom and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. I imagined Dad's physical abuse of Sister and me was not that bad since it wasn't all the time. (Plus she deserved it. LOL) I learned that life was more bearable if I spent much of my time day-dreaming and imagining that I was happy. That was the start of a condition called "Fantasy Addiction" or in more common terms....."artist".
When I was 10, I met a school girl under a dock and kissed her on the lips for a few seconds. That was the first time that I had a physical pleasure that matched my imagination. I wanted to do it all day and she finally pulled away (I am French and Italian you know). Long story short....I spent the next 40 years chasing that "high". I heard that crack cocaine and crystal meth have similar effects upon many first time users. This "high" had a big advantage/disadvantage though.....it was legal, condoned and free (well not really in the big picture).
Since I was not Hugh Hefner and able to be with new women constantly, I found other ways to get "high". Somehow Mom's abuse of alcohol, cigarettes and sex caused me to rebel against any type of substance use. That created a righteousness about substances that helped mask other addictive behaviour that was less obvious. I developed "process addictions". Things like addiction to control, spiritual righteousness, work, love, and all sorts of intrigue. (still working on the control thing)
I was always diving into some new romance whether physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. It didn't matter the form. As long as I could escape deeply into the process, I was OK for a while. Some examples were: performing in rock bands; Spiritual teachings; workshops; self help books (I was once told by a lover in 1991 that I had Wayne Dyerrhea lol); speaking at churches; being a youth leader; and most recently....12 step recovery.
It usually took about 9-18 months before the "buzz" would wear off and then I was in need of a "new drug" (ie. Huey Lewis song). This is often called "New Relationship Energy" and it's highly addictive. It's been proven scientifically that in early romance, the brain emits endorphens like oxcitosin and other drugs that produce euphoria. It is said that this is to ensure the propogation of the species and creativity. More often it just propogates addiction, affairs, social diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Sure, everyone has a natural joy when they are into something new and exciting. Unfortunately for a Fantasy Addict, it feels like a matter of life and death. The need for the intoxication becomes a driving force vs a pure and natural enjoyment of the "high".
In romantic relationships (my specialty), this intoxication is especially dangerous and destructive because it inspires people to do things with others that a sober person would never do. I am always a bit apprehensive when I hear...."I just met the person of my dreams and we are planning to get married soon". I find it extremely unwise and immature to make big purchases or investments when intoxicated. It tells me that most likely, there is pain avoidance going on AND when the "buzz" wears off, there will be more pain. Still, most people are completely unaware of how "drunk out of their minds" they are when they fall in love with someone. There brain is wired to say..."this is real. I've never felt like this before. he's/she's the one." (I've only felt that 100 times so it must be true. Ha.)
I believe that it takes as much as 3 years for sanity and sobriety to return to a couple in love (maybe less if you are over 50) and I would recommend that people allow that much time before making big decisions. This would have saved me and others much pain and disappointment, including, but not limited to: failed marriages,loss of health, painful divorces, loss of property, emotionally distraught children, etc. By the way, I did not use this information with Angelina. After only 9 months, I had moved in and we were building our life together. (well, 13's the charm) I do know that had we waited, we'd still be together. I never heard of two matched people breaking up because they waited a few years to get married or make big investments. I have however heard hundreds of horror stories by people who wished they had waited. (can you say "most people's first marriages"?)
So here I am, diving deeply into 12 step recovery, having as many as 4 meetings a day, putting off work to be more available for my recovery and healing, and feeling a certain "high" from it all. In recovery it's called "the Pink Cloud". For me it's become a bit of "damage control" or "the lesser of two evils". Whatever I need to do right now that will support complete sobriety from any form of "love or romance fantasy" is ultimately good for me. Sure it would be more balanced to work recovery into a healthy life but that's not my addictive style. LOL Today I celebrate 30 days of my new sobriety and I'm excited to see if I can find balance and happiness when the Pink Cloud wears off. My hope and belief is that by facing the grief and fear that I so often avoided with fantasy, I will heal the lies that created the condition in the first place. I'll keep you posted.
**unfortunately, many people were harmed in the making of this story. Mostly myself.
I support your healing dear friend. ; ) Mel
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