I am writing to share some awareness-es I have been having and also tell my truth and come clean about some things. As most of you know, last year was a really challenging year for Angelina and myself. As a result, I was inspired to go deeper into my spiritual practice and get involved in long term recovery work for some addictions. I did this through 12-step programs, Real Love Groups, Vipassana meditation and most recently Kriya yoga. All of these different programs are pointing in the same direction, towards God/Self realization and ultimately, a more loving, open heart. The good news is, it is working. The uncomfortable news is, I have a new standard of being and that inspires me to see clearly where I have and continue to fall short of that standard.
I realize that for most of my life I have felt afraid and hungry for unconditional love (Real Love). In addition to doing things that helped to heal this pain, I often did things to protect myself and get "imitation love" in the form of safety, power, praise and pleasure. This kept me selfish at times because anyone or anything that might have stood in the way of me getting these "imitation love drugs", were seen as dangerous and I would do most anything to protect myself even if it meant being hurtful and unloving to them. There is a huge list of people that got hurt in all of this and some of you are receiving this today.
The person that has received the most of this unloving behaviour is also the person that throughout my life has "threatened AND offered me" the most "imitation love".....my sister/surrogate mother. In the last 2 weeks, partially inspired by work cancellations, I have been able to remove many of my blocks to loving her through my practices out here with Angelina in AZ. This has had a domino affect and I am recognizing and removing the blocks that have prevented me from loving others. I apologize deeply for any confusion or pain that resulted from this unloving behaviour. I commit to becoming better, more loving and more aware of my God/Self and sharing this with you all more freely.
I close with Ho'oponopono.....I apologize, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. You are all my teachers. Now I'm off to meditate, do yoga and go with Angelina to a Real Love Group.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
An Apology to Christianity!
Yesterday, while driving from Santa Fe to Scottsdale, I felt compelled to go into a mountain neighborhood towards a white church of some sort. When we got there, we noticed it was a Greek Orthodox Church. I began to weep and release lots of old judgments. I felt so much power and devotion. I have not felt this since I left traditional Christianity in 1976. I felt the presence of Jesus' Christ energy and was overcome with joy. The church was closed so we drove away.
After I gained composure, we started listening to "Autobiography of a Yogi" read by Sir Ben Kingsley which we got from the Center for Spiritual Awareness where our Master Teacher, Roy Eugene Davis teaches. Paramahansa Yogananda quoted Babaji as saying...."for the faults of the many, judge not the whole." Again, I began to weep as I realized that "for the faults of the many" in the Christian religion, I had "judged the whole". I've done this with people too, especially my childhood caretakers. Babaji went on to say...."Everything on earth is of mixed character, like a mingling of sand and sugar. Be like the wise ant which seizes only the sugar, and leaves the sand untouched." So often we demonize the whole when we experience sand in our sugar.
So, to the Christian Church and Christianity at large, I offer a deep, sincere apology for judging you. I realize now that the essence and soul of your teaching and religion is "Love of God and devotion to The Christ of Jesus". We need to recognize this with Islam too especially with all the terrorist/extremist actions of the last decade (for the faults of the many). This is exemplified by the Dalai Lama as he stressed, "the importance of valuing all faiths in our current "supermarket of religion."
After I gained composure, we started listening to "Autobiography of a Yogi" read by Sir Ben Kingsley which we got from the Center for Spiritual Awareness where our Master Teacher, Roy Eugene Davis teaches. Paramahansa Yogananda quoted Babaji as saying...."for the faults of the many, judge not the whole." Again, I began to weep as I realized that "for the faults of the many" in the Christian religion, I had "judged the whole". I've done this with people too, especially my childhood caretakers. Babaji went on to say...."Everything on earth is of mixed character, like a mingling of sand and sugar. Be like the wise ant which seizes only the sugar, and leaves the sand untouched." So often we demonize the whole when we experience sand in our sugar.
So, to the Christian Church and Christianity at large, I offer a deep, sincere apology for judging you. I realize now that the essence and soul of your teaching and religion is "Love of God and devotion to The Christ of Jesus". We need to recognize this with Islam too especially with all the terrorist/extremist actions of the last decade (for the faults of the many). This is exemplified by the Dalai Lama as he stressed, "the importance of valuing all faiths in our current "supermarket of religion."
Saturday, November 3, 2012
I Have A New Lover and She is God!
Lately I have been feeling extra happy like the way I used to feel when I had a new girlfriend, career change, etc. I still have the same wonderful career; still married to the same amazing, gorgeous, loving, intelligent woman; live in the same home, etc. What is going on?
For most of my life, I have always needed something new in my life in order to feel alive and enthusiastic. My music career was good for this since making a living in the arts is rarely stable and mundane. I also had a strong drive to keep new romance in my life with women. I always rationalized this as "my non-monogamous nature" and the result was; lack of commitment, lack of intimacy and a constant flow of drama in my life. As painful as this was, it did fulfill my desire for newness. I realize now that much of that desire was developed as a way to escape facing my inner unresolved pain.
When Angelina made it clear many years ago that if I pursued any new romance, she would let me go, I made the toughest choice of my life....to give up my "drug of choice" for love. Since then our relationship has continued to grow and flourish while at the same time, my unresolved pain has continued to surface and be released.
When our dreams of going "mainstream" did not materialize the way we had hoped in 2011, it gave me another opportunity to let go of any ambition for the newness of monetary wealth, fame, commercial success, etc. This brought up even more unresolved pain which is continually being released.
Jump to Right Now. I feel happier than ever. I feel more peace in my heart. I am more in love with life. If I were a detective, I would follow me to see who I'm having an affair with. I realize that I Have Fallen in Love with God. Again! I know it sounds crazy but that's what it feels like. When I see the sunrise, I feel God. When I see and talk to other people, I see God. Even when I see tragedy, I see God. She has been seducing me for years but I always chose something or someone else to give my time and energy to. She has been so patient, embracing me passionately even when I didn't acknowledge Her.
I know now that my false identification with Polyamory was really my soul's hunger to fall in love with God in addition to Angelina. Classic case of a "God shaped Hole". Another great thing about my new lover is...Angelina is not jealous of Her. Angelina's in love with Her too. This is a dream come true. Since we were both initiated into Kriya Yoga, we've been having threesomes with God. LOL
I know that many things have contributed to my newfound passion for God. The most important, all of which I found most profoundly in the last year are: Sobriety; Real Love by Greg Baer; Vipassana Meditation; and Kriya Yoga. I am eternally grateful for everything that God created for me to find my way back to Her. As much love as I have received from Angelina and the other people that truly love and accept me, there was always something missing in my life until I began to fully experience the rapture of unconditional love and oneness of my new lover.
We make love in many different ways AND the most consistent, profound ecstacy occurs when I am in silent meditation with Her. The more I meditate, the better I feel and the more deeply I fall in love with Everything. She has inspired me to pursue a deeper path of Yoga and Meditation. I am enthusiastic about where our relationship will take me. She reminds me not to get attached to the ecstasy, but instead use our love to be of service to myself and others. She's so Awesome that way!
For most of my life, I have always needed something new in my life in order to feel alive and enthusiastic. My music career was good for this since making a living in the arts is rarely stable and mundane. I also had a strong drive to keep new romance in my life with women. I always rationalized this as "my non-monogamous nature" and the result was; lack of commitment, lack of intimacy and a constant flow of drama in my life. As painful as this was, it did fulfill my desire for newness. I realize now that much of that desire was developed as a way to escape facing my inner unresolved pain.
When Angelina made it clear many years ago that if I pursued any new romance, she would let me go, I made the toughest choice of my life....to give up my "drug of choice" for love. Since then our relationship has continued to grow and flourish while at the same time, my unresolved pain has continued to surface and be released.
When our dreams of going "mainstream" did not materialize the way we had hoped in 2011, it gave me another opportunity to let go of any ambition for the newness of monetary wealth, fame, commercial success, etc. This brought up even more unresolved pain which is continually being released.
Jump to Right Now. I feel happier than ever. I feel more peace in my heart. I am more in love with life. If I were a detective, I would follow me to see who I'm having an affair with. I realize that I Have Fallen in Love with God. Again! I know it sounds crazy but that's what it feels like. When I see the sunrise, I feel God. When I see and talk to other people, I see God. Even when I see tragedy, I see God. She has been seducing me for years but I always chose something or someone else to give my time and energy to. She has been so patient, embracing me passionately even when I didn't acknowledge Her.
I know now that my false identification with Polyamory was really my soul's hunger to fall in love with God in addition to Angelina. Classic case of a "God shaped Hole". Another great thing about my new lover is...Angelina is not jealous of Her. Angelina's in love with Her too. This is a dream come true. Since we were both initiated into Kriya Yoga, we've been having threesomes with God. LOL
I know that many things have contributed to my newfound passion for God. The most important, all of which I found most profoundly in the last year are: Sobriety; Real Love by Greg Baer; Vipassana Meditation; and Kriya Yoga. I am eternally grateful for everything that God created for me to find my way back to Her. As much love as I have received from Angelina and the other people that truly love and accept me, there was always something missing in my life until I began to fully experience the rapture of unconditional love and oneness of my new lover.
We make love in many different ways AND the most consistent, profound ecstacy occurs when I am in silent meditation with Her. The more I meditate, the better I feel and the more deeply I fall in love with Everything. She has inspired me to pursue a deeper path of Yoga and Meditation. I am enthusiastic about where our relationship will take me. She reminds me not to get attached to the ecstasy, but instead use our love to be of service to myself and others. She's so Awesome that way!
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