Wow! I had no idea how 2 dimensional my world had been until I started experiencing 3D reality. Some of my peeps don't ever go to 3D movies because they find it unnerving and anxiety producing. I can totally relate and I guess that's why I never truly went here to this level. I do however love 3D on the big screen as long as my emotional/mental duality approves of the content. I'm defining 3D as fully embracing ALL of our emotions, thoughts, and physicality as they come up. I believe healthy children experience life in 3D. Unfortunately, many of us try to bypass 3D by way of pseudo-spirituality and mental gymnastics and end up having to go back and clean some things up. That's certainly been true and humbling for me.
For the last 2 months I've been really embracing "disappointment". Like most of us, my life has been "full of it". (pun intended) Still, I always managed to go back to 2D reality by repressing the accompanying feelings and refocusing upon something more hopeful. I still believe in refocusing but not until I've gotten the gift from the feelings.
In Buddhism it is said "desire leads to suffering". I'd like to make a distinction here. Desire without attachment has not necessarily lead to suffering. A symptom of desire with attachment would be "hunger". Today I desire an email or phone call from someone offering to pay us to perform. There will be no suffering involved no matter what because I am not hungry for the call or attached to it. Actually, that's not entirely true. If I get a call for something that excites me, I may get attached to its fruition which could lead to disappointment and suffering. Shit!!
There was so much suffering around our involvement with "Reality TV" (oxymoron) because we now realize that we were extremely attached to a perceived form of career advancement. Our former career was no longer fulfilling us financially or emotionally and all the career advancement that we so longed for did not materialize. Talk about disappointment! We have been living largely on savings for 2 months and that has been quite a learning expericnce too. This time, we are not running from the fear but making peace with the unknown. That is really new for us since we've been practicing and teaching financial abundance for many years and now don't seem to have as much.
This has been the most disappointment we have felt since our former musical partner split with us in 2003 and an ugly legal and emotional battle ensued. Of course I never full dealt with that until recently, either. LOL He continues to threaten legal action now and then but the emotional sting gets more and more benign as I take it less personally and deal with the anger as it shows up. Recently, I had a dream where I verbally and physically abused this man for all the pain I have felt. I don't want to be too graphic but let's just say that after I was done, I didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore and I was orgasmic. In the past I'd have pushed that away. Instead I allowed those angry parts to fully express in me and even did a physical exercise that made it more real. After it was over and I stopped screaming, I began to weep and I felt like I had finally validated an unowned part of me. I have felt better about him ever since and have found deeper levels of peace around the whole situation.
For the first time in my life, I'm embracing the 3D experience of life fully and this has brought me into some sort of depression.(I just took a depression test and the results say I scored a 63 out of a possible 100) I'm seeing this depression as a symptom of my former repression and that by facing everything head on, I can powerfully transform this temporary depression into a fully expressed 3D life experience.
I no longer believe that suffering is avoidable. That's not the same as saying we can't be free of it. I also don't believe that suffering is a sign of weakness. These perceptions kept me in a 2D reality. According to Buddhism, suffering can be caused by....desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Wow, that has described so much of my motivations with women and career. No wonder I've suffered so much. The good news is, by letting go of these motivations, suffering can be diminished. Maybe not avoided but certainly not invited.
What has been my spiritual foundation (since much of my previously desired life seemed to fall apart in September), has been my belief and commitment to the idea of Destiny. As long as I fully embrace the notion that everything happens for a divine purpose, I can keep attachment and judgment at bay. As long as I believe that everything is ultimately conspiring on my behalf, I can stay hopeful. As long as I see this whole experience as a movie with all characters, events and scenes being divinely orchestrated by LOVE, I feel peace and freedom.
I am also very enthusiastic about moving into a 4D experience that I believe is the natural progression on the other side of this 3D experience. Not where I pretend to be spiritual because I am afraid to be human, but where I allow deeper authentic spirituality to arise as a result of my being so fully human.
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