Funny, for 44 years I have struggled with shame and pain in association with one form or another of love and romance addiction. I now feel that it may become my most powerful healing and teaching tool. Until recently, all my work on this subject has been a negotiation. How can I manage this addiction? I've been concerned with what was appropriate, honest, legal, acceptable by others, acceptable by my partners, etc. Still, because this addiction is so damaging, misunderstood and judged AND triggers others' fears and their own unresolved issues, I've attracted lots of drama for over 30 years.
Most of the drama ceased when I committed to my most dramatic negotiation with Angelina on June 15, 2007. I committed to "physical monogamy". I only use this distinction because my mind has been anything but monogamous. lol Before 2007, I was never able to commit to fidelity with anyone. I justified this by being honest about it and contributing my inability to commit this way to my being polyamorous, a lovestyle/orientation that I believed did not give me the choice to be monogamous. I know better now. I have come to believe that polyamory (see definition below) is a choice and is only healthy when all parties involved make a conscious choice to live this lovestyle. In her desire to support me, Angelina agreed to this lovestyle for over 6 years before giving me an ultimatum which started me on the path to recovery.
This commitment has given us the foundation to feel safe as I continued to navigate these turbulent waters. For over 4 years, we've had little drama between us and for the first time since the age of 3, I feel safe and trusting of a woman. Still, how can one manage an addiction which is inherently unmanageable and progressive? My conclusion (for me) is, I can't. I need help from something bigger than ME. I am grateful that this awareness was not in any way inspired by Angelina. She was fully content with me already. Still, I know that she will benefit most (after me), from my new awareness.
It wasn't until last Sunday, 9/11 that it really clicked for me that I was still plagued by compulsive/obsession about love and new romance. This may surprise many of you since this is not obvious in my adult and youth ministry. I've purposely hidden this aspect of my life from my ministry, partially out of fear and shame, but mostly since it's not what my ministry is about. This has been a personal struggle. Still, it has caused problems with my career, partially because it's the nature of people with addictions to sabotage what they love and also because certain individuals and "Associations" have made inaccurate assumptions about me, thinking I might be dangerous or inappropriate with congregates and/or youth. Fortunately, I have been honest enough with myself and others, to refrain from these imagined behaviours.
My most recent revelation occurred when a dear friend, off the cuff, said....."I've never met anyone that talks about sex more than you". When the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I realized in that moment that even with all the therapy, workshops, vulnerability, support, negotiations, etc., I still was not free. The addiction was making choices for me. As a recovering "control freak", I was not about to let this continue. lol It was time to get super real, get more humble and admit "I, on my own, was powerless over this addiction and was not able to manage it." I can just hear all the "bliss bunnies" and "new age/new thought fundamentalists" freaking out right now. This kind of surrender and humility is rare, especially among men, so I know it's gonna push some buttons. It's also not fully supported in the new age/new thought community which is mostly about the mental and spiritual aspects of life. That's not my stuff. What is my stuff is "my decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I know God" and to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself".
What I realized in this inventory is that I have a "romantic fantasy addiction". Somehow, deep within my psyche is the "fantasy of a utopic world of free love " and this world has the ability to make all my pain go away.. This is the root of all my addictive thoughts and past behaviours. Like all addictions, the subject itself is not negative. Alcohol, coffee, work, food, gambling, fantasy, sex, love, etc. are all just parts of life. It's only when they become obsessive/compulsive that they are a problem.
In one week, I've found a huge network of support groups that are available every day all over the country to help me and others with this challenge. I've been to 7 meetings in 7 days and am devoting myself to go to meetings as often as possible until I can truthfully say that I am free of the obsessive drive to mentally fantasize and objectify women that I see. I've only been "fantasy sober"(see definition below) for 11 days and I already have a new excitement about life and feel more present to every part of this wonderful matrix. I feel that my physical, mental and emotional health are improving now that I am no longer feeding this "fantasy obsession virus" which took much of my energy and life force.
Like all 12 step programs concur, I don't believe that I will ever be free of this dis-ease. Yes, I use the word dis-ease because I believe that my brain is altered permanently and I don't have any delusions that I can engage in thoughts and practices that may be healthy for others but feed my "virus". I know that's gonna push some buttons too. LOL I feel a bit like Forest Gump when he ran so fast that he lost his leg braces and no longer needed them. I am grateful to my dear friends and beloved bride Angelina for knowing that I "have an addiction", but that I "am not my addiction". For letting me know that I was innocent just the way I was.
One way I amend the 12 steps is...rather than say "I am an addict", I say "I have an addiction". I can say for sure that shame feeds addictions, inspires "acting out" and keeps addictions in darkness. The light of truth, understanding and acceptance is the only way out of this stuff. If this is what was necessary for me to be the man I was born to be, then I accept it fully and am grateful for it. It's been the most difficult journey of my life and I can only hope that I will use it to help others recognize hope, innocence and self-love, as a result of my awareness. For weeks I have wondered why we have no work. Now I realize that it was perfectly orchestrated so I would have the time and freedom to reflect upon myself, gain these insights and have lots of time to dive into recovery. Again, everything is ultimately conspiring on our behalves. As I learn more and more, I commit to teaching others to heal this way.
You may not be able to relate to this directly, but it is my belief that we all have a version of this. Some obsession/compulsion that is keeping us from being truly free. I encourage you to look within and discover what patterns are driving you. 2012 appears to be about self-love, breaking free from destructive patterns and shining light upon all areas of darkness. I commit to join you on this journey, without the distraction of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. OK, I admit it, I'm a bit obsessive about my recovery. LOL
In closing, I want to apologize to all the women of the world and ask for your forgiveness on behalf of all men, in and out of recovery, for any behaviours and/or thoughts that hurt, abused, abandoned, obsessed, objectified, demeaned, etc, any woman at any time. I am meeting with many of these honest, courageous men every day and I can assure you this, we were led by a drive/addiction that was stronger than we knew. Had we known what we know now, we'd have been different. Many of these men have deep difficulty ever forgiving themselves for past transgressions, even though recovery teaches full forgiveness. For romance and love addiction to heal, it will take effort from society as a whole to love and forgive ourselves and others for all our transgressions. I am so grateful for this path... "From Shame to Grace"..........Armand
*sobriety-abstinence from addictive and/or compulsive behaviour
*polyamory-conscious non-monogamy
My dear friend, your RADICAL HONESTY is so refreshing. You and Angelina walk your talk and for that, I am grateful. Thanks for honoring your truth so that others may be set free as well. We are all One. - Peace and prosperity, Paula
ReplyDeleteWOW ..such openness and honesty !! That is wonderful Armand ! In your honesty, does help me to look at my certain self destructive behaviors as well ...That's tough sometime ,to come face to face with our "demons" or stuff that drives us in a way that hurts us , or maybe keeps us from going where we want to go, because these drawing forces are keeping us from where we want to go , it's like a pull or calling, that's easy to go to .. where you feel like this "guilty pleasure" as Sharon Osbourne puts it ;)..I don't know ..... but ..truthfully,, thanks for sharing ..
ReplyDelete