For years, I have encouraged Angelina to wear less make-up and supported her in spending less time on her hair. I'm aware that some of my encouragement has been controlling and still much of it is about reminding her daily how perfect she is already. I realized early on that when she looks in the mirror, she sees a very different reflection than the rest of us see. I diagnosed her early on with a dis-ease I coined as "hairexia nervosa". This is "a condition in which the patient sees their hair as messed up regardless of what is actually going on". Much of this condition healed over time.
Recently, at one of our Real Love meetings, the coach encouraged Angelina to try going out in public without any make-up. This is based on the Real Love concept that "spending too much time on appearances is a form of lying and is used to compensate for not feeling enough love in our lives". We both get this and Angelina has been experimenting with less and less make-up. It's my theory that while make-up is glamorous, a woman's natural beauty is more radiant in most cases. Since then, she has gone several days out in public with no make-up and that is really powerful for her. I believe that this type of behaviour is self-esteem building and I have been practicing my own version of transparency since Sept. 2011.
I never fully empathized with Angelina with what appeared to be a compulsive need to wear make-up around people until recently. She told me that people treated her differently but I guess I didn't believe it. Recently, we were with a dear friend who also encourages transparency. Angelina decided to wear no make-up that day since he was the only friend we would see and we would be driving the whole day, only stopping to eat and gas up. Well, this friend had never seen my bride without make-up and he promptly said "are you OK? You look a little tired. Do you need some rest?" No wonder she wants to put make-up on. Who wants to have people thinking they look tired just because they see a few more lines than they are used to seeing, or their eyes don't look as big as they do with eye-liner. I get it!!
My advice to anyone that wants to promote self-esteem and encourage people to feel good about themselves: NEVER tell someone they look tired! Instead, if you must comment, tell someone how refreshing it is to see them or anyone without make-up. I believe it's time that we got used to seeing people looking more natural so we don't "freak out" when true radiance is revealed.
I think whether one wears makeup, colors their hair, or wears clothing that enhances their figure says nothing about lying but only about wanting to put your best foot forward and that may a different choice for everyone.
ReplyDeleteYou did touch on a huge sensitivity issue here and that is words that people use (usually men because women recognize this immmediately) to comment on someone's looks. "You look tired," isn't just used to comment on women's looks when they aren't wearing makeup but also when they are getting older. When I was in my thirties and forties, I never heard this statement but just last week when I had paid particular attention to my dress, makeup, everything because we were going out to a special place the gentleman in my life said, "Wow, you look beautiful but a little tired. Maybe we should just stay home." Men, as we age we don't want to be told that we look tired! We are tired, we are old, but we don't want you to remind us.
Amen Shoshana, I gladly look forward to spending the rest of my life with an aging woman and my goal is to cherish her more everyday. I hope to never say anything other than "you look beautiful to me".
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