The Upside of Codependency

Codependency is a loaded, much misunderstood word and condition and Angelina and I have been pondering it's meanings, etc. lately   We both have identified with codependency in the past and have done much work to free ourselves of its grip.  Much of what our favorite relationship material, Real Love, talks about is in alignment with letting go of codependency. Here are a few popular definitions.

1.

excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

 

2. a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction);

3.  An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers.

4. the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.

We believe that based upon this last definition, every human being would exhibit some codependency and a person's ability to function healthfully in relationship would depend greatly upon what degree of codependency they would have and succumb to.

Unfortunately, the word has been thrown around so much that it has lost much of its effectiveness in truly diagnosing an urgent or problematic situation.  This inspired us to look at how this term is often used to criticize others as well as lookin

g for ways that codependency may be positive. We are firm believers that everything has a front and a back and typically the bigger the front, the bigger the back. How does that work with codependency?  

In some ways, it is much like alcohol. Many people drink alcohol without adverse reactions, addiction, etc. Many alcoholics see alcohol as bad and will quickly call someone an alcoholic if they see them as even appearing to overdrink. We actually have a friend who believes Angelina is an alcoholic because she drinks a glass of wine almost every day. This can be true of people who identify as codependents too. Because some have had such devastating results from their own and other's codependency, they will often call another's actions codependent when it reminds them of past behaviors.  When I was recovering from surgery, I depended upon Angelina exclusively to help me get back to health.  Was this codependent? Absolutely and it worked wonderfully for each of us.  We both will bend over backwards for the other in cases where we feel stronger in a given situation and the other appears to need some extra support. In the broadest definition, this would be codependent however, it is obvious that some forms of codependency are healthy and productive.

As always, there are many views to every situation and we are open to expanding our awareness of these and other loaded words and phrases.

How Are Pain Bodies Like Scared Dogs?

How Are Pain Bodies like Scared Dogs?

Have you ever known someone that you absolutely adored, yet if you spent too much time or had too much intimate communication with them, there was volatile conflict?  This is what has inevitably happened time and time again with my surrogate mother for about 48 years. In December of 2012, we mutually agreed to keep our communications to a minimum and have had no conflict since and only very loving communications.

But what if you don't want to just be casual friends with someone with whom you have this triggering pain body dynamic. This will require much finesse, self-care, courage and compassion.  Volatile conflict is the result of unhealed or unidentified pain bodies. Imagine that these pain bodies are like scared dogs. You and your friend absolutely adore each other and you each have one of these scared dogs with you at all times. Sometimes the dog is locked up. Sometimes it is free to roam and other times it is on a leash. The trick is to make sure these scared dogs don't get too close to each other because there will be a fight and most likely some emotional, mental or even physical bloodshed. If either party had a healed pain body, the other dog would have nothing to fight with. Some people's scared dog  is free to roam and unidentified, and will bark and bite anyone at anytime. Unfortunately, unless we are fully healed of our pain bodies, other people's dogs are gonna find ours and pick a fight. For most of us, our scared dogs are either locked away/unidentified or leashed/identified. As long as everyone involved has identified their pain bodies and are conscious of how to keep them on a short leash while healing them, they will be able to have intimate conscious loving relationship.

This is serious relationship yoga and I am only just beginning to learn to navigate these waters. Fortunately with Angelina, our pain bodies rarely fight with each other. This is what I call complementary pain bodies vs. triggering pain bodies. Most of my friends are complementary with me and I have often avoided or run away from those people which were too triggering. I realize that I did this to protect myself, which in many cases prevented me from becoming more conscious and healed. I now choose to practice scared animal taming with those with triggering pain bodies as long as the other parties involved are also equally committed to this practice.

I will keep you posted as to how this new awareness develops. Thank you Thank you to all my triggers for they continue to inspire me to heal and fully embrace my scared dog.

If I Present Myself As More Damaged, Will You Still Love Me?

Today I eat more Humble Pie. After an intimate conversation with our dear friends, Lynn and Doug, I was able to identify another shadow of mine. Lynn noticed that I frequently paint a picture of myself as being less helpful to Angelina than I really am. I originally blew it off as me just being funny but the more we talked about it, the more I uncovered some shame and guilt that was motivating some of my thoughts and words. I then could see a lifelong behavior of inaccurate self representation and what I was really bidding for.


I often describe myself in ways that appear to others as a man who allows his bride to wait on him hand and foot. I say things like "Angelina does everything while I play on Facebook."  This month is the first time we've spent extensive time in Lynn's home and she noticed that the reality of our relationship was very different than what I presented. After some struggle, I realized that I have some unconscious shame, guilt and un-deservingness about having such a devoted woman who is willing to take care of me the way Angelina does. It is easy for me to see how my relationship with my mom and surrogate mother planted these seeds AND they are totally not my current reality.  I also have received quite a bit of criticism (mostly from women) about how I allow Angelina to take care of me.


One way I try and deal with the guilt is to exaggerate to people how little I do, in advance.  I have realized that there are at least two reasons I do this. One is to beat them to the punch, but the more subtle reason is "if I show you what a louse I can be, you will be able to prove to me that you love and accept me unconditionally."  OMG, how exhausting!


I realize that I have done a version of this my whole life. Angelina just happens to be the first woman who has seen through it all and committed to me deeply enough to inspire me to heal much of my shame, guilt and un-deservingness.  I can honestly say that I Love Me The Way She Does. Still, there is more to heal, love and release and I am open to continued fearless moral inventory.


Another way I did this a few years ago, that had powerfully painful results in our career, was when I exaggerated my Love Addiction and Codependency.  I had been shamed deeply by myself and others for 30 years for how I gave in to my addiction so in addition to owning it and doing the recovery work, I chose to publicly expose myself and exaggerate it because it carried more shameful weight in society.  I'm not saying that any addiction is shameful in any way or that it's a black and white situation. It's just that some addictions are less understood and judged than others and anything to do with sexuality is extremely scary to society.  OMG. Just getting this people!  It's as if saying I had codependency and love addiction wouldn't inspire enough rejection and unconditional acceptance so I better make it more scary.  Well it worked, I got the unconditional acceptance and love I was seeking but we also lost work because of imagined fear that my exaggerated posts instilled. Fortunately, our relationship bond with ourselves and others strengthened and we even got extra work because of the vulnerability and transparency that was mixed in with the self sabotage.


In closing, I commit even more to being more honest with myself and others. This includes but is not limited to refraining from exaggerating my dysfunction and my strengths. Deep gratitude for all of you who continue to love, accept and inspire me not only in spite of my dysfunction but because of it. Even when I exaggerate it. LOL

Free Will.... Maybe. Choice... ABSOLUTELY! (revised early title)

OK, I know that sounds weird but stay with me and I believe it will all make sense. 



I realized this morning during meditation that I have lost much of the high that I had 2 years ago relative to meditation and exercise.  In the beginning, it did not require much choice to meditate 2 hours and to do 2 hours of yoga and exercise every day.  I was motivated by a temporary high and excitement because it was new and the results were exhilarating. 



This is similar to what is called "new relationship energy (NRE)" when romantic and sometimes non-romantic relationships begin.   This is also called "Romantic Intrigue".  NRE was so powerful for me that I became addicted to it in 1979 and spent over 30 years struggling with its effects.  Recently, I was speaking with a friend about the power of "romantic intrigue" and how seductive and temporary it is. I also said that when you truly feel safe and comfortable with someone, "romantic intrigue" is not possible. He disagreed with me and said that he is coming to realize that true romantic intrigue can actually grow stronger in a safe, comfortable, committed relationship. 



I was in total disagreement but didn't want to argue and righteously believed I knew better since I was in a committed, conscious relationship and he wasn't.  Hubris, it's not just for breakfast anymore!  Anyway, that conversation has stayed with me and this morning I heard an inner voice say...."It's all about choice!" Could this apply to meditation, exercise, diet and even romantic intrigue?  "Absolutely"   I realized that the difference between what I felt for all the women in the past and what I feel for Angelina is largely about choice.  I choose to be excited by our relationship now because the "love drugs" of NRE are not there.  Drugs take us on Their journey. Choice allows us to make our Own journey.  OMG, my friend was right. 

Most of my life has been motivated by drive, ambition and intrigue and has had little to do with Choice.  When I got sober from the drug of "romantic intrigue" on September 11th 2011, I made a choice.  I truly felt like I would never experience happiness again because the "drug" had convinced me that it was essential for "joy's survival".  That's what a drug is supposed to do. It was doing its job perfectly, but it's a Big Fat Liar.  5 months later, I found a new drug......meditation and exercise.   I jumped into exercise so fully that I gave myself Achilles tendonitis in both heels, bilateral inguinal hernias and a sore knee. As usual, the drug of meditation and exercise wore off about 18 months later and I became less motivated. Today it became clear to me....."Make the Choice to choose to meditate and exercise, and the benefits will be even greater because you are choosing to choose".

Again, I am humbled.  This truth has shown up so many times in my life and each time I honored it, I became happier and more content, and my world became way more peaceful.  On June 15th 2007, I committed to monogamy and focused  my energy on how blessed I was to have found my twin flame and how much more simple, stable, peaceful and rich my relationship would be now.  Choice!  By 2011, I was completely burnt out on our church career.  In 2012 I made the choice to realize how blessed we were to be doing what we were doing, making the money we were making and using our gifts and talents to inspire and uplift. Choice!   I did the same thing with our simple home.  For years I felt lack because I believed my "dream home" was waterfront.  Last year I chose to see this home as my dream home and voila! I became happier here. Choice! We still love being on the water but we can rent that any time we choose and still choose to be happy and content here. I have realized that we truly don't have preferences, we only have choices.  A preference is just a thought we have chosen to believe but ultimately.....we just made it up.

Now it is time to choose again.  I choose to meditate and exercise more consistently.  I choose it more fully because the drugs have worn off that used to motivate me. The benefits of committed choice will be even more rich and powerful than before just like it has with every other healthy choice I chose to choose. 

Great News...I Have a Heart Condition!

That may not sound like great news but hopefully by the end of this post, you will understand why I am so enthusiastic about this diagnosis.

In April of 2009, I saw an iridologist for a checkup. Everything checked out fine except she noticed that my heart was not right.  I mostly blew it off but did start rebounding and taking some baby aspirin daily but that stopped after a few months.

On August 6, 2013, I was playing morning tennis with my men's tennis group on a very hot day and I noticed shortness of breath after the 2nd set. The men, who are older than I, said to get it checked out. I blew it off and went about my business. 

On September 18, I attended a powerful sweat lodge in Arlington, TX. During the lodge I felt the same shortness of breath which subsided during each outdoor break. I went home feeling fantastic, had a wonderful performance in Dallas the next night and then another in San Marcos the following night. At around 11pm, I started feeling really weird in my chest as if 100 lbs. were sitting on me (don't go there) and it felt like I needed to burp but couldn't. It just felt like really bad heartburn. This lasted about 2-3 hours and finally went away when Angelina got me to drink some soda. At one point I was crouched on the floor with difficulty breathing.  Now my body had my attention.

I shared my experience with a few close friends and my friend Lynn and my bride Angelina became very adamant about having this checked out.  I typically trust that my body and mind can heal all ailments so I was my typical reluctant self, but I decided to listen to two of my favorite ladies and see an internal medicine doctor in Crowley, LA who is a dear friend of my uncle, who is also a surgeon. I also got another friend of his to become my temporary cardiologist.

On Sept. 26th I got an EKG and chest X ray and passed them both.

On the 30th I got full heart monitoring blood work and passed that too. Because my dad had a heart condition, as well as a heart attack at 43 and then a pacemaker and fatal heart attack at 59, the medical staff wanted further testing. 

On October 1st I took a Stress EKG and when my heart rate hit 140bpm, I began to fail the test. Something was not working correctly in my heart. At that point I began being very careful with how exerted I got, whether playing tennis, rebounding or how hot I kept my hot tub.  I also began taking a baby aspirin a day and also took some Turmeric.  I was also prescribed Nitro Glycerin pills to take if I ever had severe chest pressure again.  I have not had to take them at all.

On October 24th, after we got home to Orlando, I got another Cardiologist at Orlando Heart Center.  My new doctor said my blood pressure was a bit high, looked at the Stress test results and set me up for a Coronary CT Angiogram. She also noticed a heart murmur so she ordered a carotid neck ultrasound to see if I had a blockage there.

On November 1st I took the Angiogram which was a blast since they filled my veins with iodine and it was like being in the most wonderful warm womb. They did blood work, etc. and the test went very well.

Today, November 7th, I spent the morning with my cardiologist and she went over all the results with me.  Here's the great news.....my ultrasound was negative. All is right with my neck carotid arteries. My resting heart rate is wonderfully athletic at 54bpm. My blood pressure is generally great AND it goes a bit high when stressed which can be solved with less fats, more cardio and a supplement called Red Rice Yeast. My LDL is also high for my condition so that also can be solved with above regimen. The CT Angiogram showed that I have a 50% blockage of plaque in one of my coronary arteries. If it were 70% or higher, they would recommend surgery. Hallelujah!  Thanks to my amazing bride, friends, family and medical staff, this was caught early enough to make it very doable to heal without invasive shit. 

These last 6 weeks have been emotionally and physically challenging since I didn't know what was up with me. I was able to put my new Mindfulness Practice and Sobriety from Unhappiness to the test and with only a few moments of losing presence, have stayed wonderfully peaceful and happy through it all.  I even bought an annuity for my bride as well as helping her understand all the finances, passwords, accounts, etc. in the remote case that I wouldn't be here for her.

New lifestyle....more cardio, 30 minutes a day for at least 5 days a week. Drop Coconut Oil, high fat yogurt, eggs, fatty dressings, barbecue, and reduce animal protein even more. Envision my LDL, blood pressure and artery plaque reducing greatly over the next 3 months before I am re-evaluated with blood work by my cardiologist. (man, it feels weird to actually have a cardiologist.)

I am so excited to use this information to get healthier. I have a new passion for heart-health and Life in general. I have spent 40 years of my life dealing with anxiety, sadness, addiction, etc. I am now ready to have at least 20 years enjoying my new life of peace and freedom with all of you dear souls in it. We have lots of fun to have, lots of love to share and lots of performances ahead so I am gonna stay strong and healthy for us all. Thank you for being such a valuable, important part of The New Earth with me.

I AM Committed to Getting Sober From Unhappiness

Today I make a commitment to a new form of Sobriety.  I've conquered most of my physical addictions and have made great strides in healing my co-dependency.  Now it's time to go even deeper.  I have been addicted to some form of unhappiness since my parents split up 49 years ago.  I feel that 50 years of that addiction is more than enough so today I take a "white chip" which represents my commitment to staying happy no matter what.  This is not pretending to be happy like I did when I was a "bliss bunny", hiding from the painful thoughts and emotions through a façade of positive thinking.  This is a decision to choose unconditional happiness no matter what.  I don't expect perfection and I know it's just "one day at a time". Still, this is the next right thing to do for me and as I keep my focus and discipline on Sobriety, I am sure that I can conquer this dis-ease just as I did with the many others.

This unhappiness I speak of is not the circumstantial unhappiness that most of us think of but the unwillingness to feel peaceful, accepting and content with whatever shows up in any situation.  I know that one of the keys to unhappiness sobriety is to allow all feelings, thoughts and emotions that I have, to run their course without allowing myself to believe that they are me.  I may have a sad thought or emotion but just like I have a body, they are not me. I may be involved in a relationship that has issues but it's not me. I may have a car that needs repair but it's not me. I may have character flaws in my personality but my personality is not me.

I realize now that the real ME has never been depressed.  I only thought that the depressing thoughts, emotions and feelings were me.  They were no more me than an actor's role is them.  Still, I got so caught up in the movie that I forgot I was acting.  As Michael Singer says, "it all comes down to choice.  You either choose to be happy or not."   The same is true of any addiction.  You either choose sobriety or you choose to act out. Whether the thoughts are conscious or unconscious that are driving the addiction,  we still have the choice to say NO! 

Will anyone else join me in this choice to be Sober From Unhappiness?

Today I Got Seduced by an Amazing Goddess

I was doing my yoga on the beach, minding my own business.  She was calling out to me and seduced me to join her.  In that one hour we were together she enveloped me in sweet love and beat me up a lot too.  She was a lot bigger than I.  It reminded me a lot of my surrogate mother throughout my life.  Constant roller coaster of approval and abuse. Each time I tried to leave, I felt the pull of her beauty and power and I went right back in.  Today, I realized that neither of them did anything TO me.  They each were just doing what they do and I chose to ride the waves.  I got some amazing rides today and had absolutely no judgment when I got beat up.  Once I had enough, I left. I sure love riding waves on my boogie board. That ocean is one powerful Goddess.